December 28, 2005

Review: The Last Time They Met by Anita Shreve

No one recommended this book to me. It is by chance I came across a collection of Ms Shreve's book. I was browsing at MPH Alamanda, trying to look for Nora Robert's Red Lily. Then, somehow I moved to the fiction side, hoping that maybe Dan Brown has something new. Of course, he doesn't. Then I saw a line of pastel coloured paperbacks. I read the synopsis for few of them and was intrigued. And I bought this title.

I have never wrote a book review before (safe the ones that I did when I was in school.. you know, during that Reading Month...). So, this is my first attempt to do so. Any comments are welcomed.

This story is about unconditional love. Love that survives 26 years of separation, different relationships, different places and time. (Heh.. I'm starting to sound very romantic... ha ha ha).

The narration started when Linda at 52 years old, a renowned poet, attended a literary festival. To her surprise she met her ex-lover, Thomas, an accomplished poet long before she did. At middle age, they both have been married, had kids, gone through ups and downs of life and relationships. They are both different person, so to speak. But one thing was constant even after all those, that's their, ehem... love.

The second part of the book took place when they were in their 20s, meeting by chance in Kenya. There their passion rekindled, resulting in chaos and difficulties in their current relationship. Psst... they were both married to different people at this time. Ish... Ish.. Ish... In this period of time, however, you get to learn the personalities of Linda and Thomas, as well as the people that they are married to; Peter and Regina. You will acknowledge the emotional turmoil that they were going through that makes you understand why they got back together.

The last part of the book, is actually the first time they both met. When they were sixteen. They were attracted to each other from the start, and from there on they learn that they actually sort of meant to be together. However, a car accident, Thomas was driving, separated them.

Although the story was presented in an easy going manner, but it seems like the author rushed to tell everything. The only part that was really explored was when both characters were in Kenya (I understand from another review this probably resulted from the fact that the author did spend some time in Africa). The scenarios and plot could actually be developed more to give in depth view of the story. Readers will string along the events as they read the book, and construct the image in their minds.

The ending of the book makes you want to read the book again immediately. Because it is the start of the whole thing. The book does not have a definite conclusion. Which is really interesting in a way, annoying in another. For the ones who devour happy endings (like me), you apply romanticism and they lived happily ever after (which will not be quite true, if you read the book you'll know why). For the sceptics, well, we shall just leave it at that.

This book is about life, in general. Of the reality of relationships. Of people. Of the world. No, you will not find sordid details of coupling (ha ha ha), because this is not a romance novel. It's what happening all year round, everywhere, around us. It's a romance with realism. Love story with both feet firm on the ground.

Will I buy another from the author, you asked? I surely will. Am I recommending this book to you? Duhh, why should I do the review if I'm not recommending it? Oh ya... probably just for the fun of babbling.. ha ha ha...

December 27, 2005

Veronica Decides to Die

I bought this yesterday.

Veronika seems to have everything she could wish for. She goes to popular night spots, she meets and dates attractive young men and yet she's not happy. Something is lacking in her life. That's why, in the morning of 11th November 1997, Veronika Decides to Die. After taking an overdose, Veronika is told she has only a few days to live.

This story follows Veronika through these intense days as to her surprise, she finds herself drawn into the enclosed world of the local hospital she is staying in. In this heightened state she discovers things she has never really allowed herself to feel before: hatred, fear, curiosity, love - even sexual awakening. Her experiences lead her gradually to realise that every second of her existence is a choice between living and dying. Paulo Coelho's new book is about those who do not fit into patterns considered normal by society. It is about madness and the need to find an alternative way of living for people who frequently have to face other people's prejudices because they think in a different way.

I like the last sentence. "It is about madness and the need to find an alternative way of living for people who frequently have to face other people's prejudices because they think in a different way". You may think I'm being melodramatic, but I do feel, most of the time, that I do not fit into the norms. And this is even before I came acrros Mr. Coelho.

December 15, 2005

For the love of chocoloate

Okay. This is one of my weaknesses. CHOCOLATE. My uncle, who's working for Lembaga Koko Malaysia, would have a list of rebuttle if you say that chocolate makes us fat. Anyway, they can say anything about chocolate, it will always be my favourite. Hmmm... chocolate also releases endorphines, the feel good hormone. So eat more chocolate everyone.

I know my handiwork (ehem) on the left is not so... artsy (is there such a word anyway? he he he) but those two were the outcome of the office visit to the 'bon bon' shop in September. Yes, when I was in Amsterdam. It was fun. Do you know white chocolate is actually called 'bad' chocolate? Because they do not have cocoa beans inside them. It's just butter and milk. So.. the white bon bon in the picture was mixed with red chilli and rosemary. The black bon bon was with orange skin.

I should tell you that urmm.. making chocolate is actually very, very sexy. But then again, it probably depends on who's doing the mixing. Ha ha ha... So anyway, I did the mixing for the white bon bon. Sliced the chillies and rosemary. It was really fun, the whole department was there, and we were standing around the rectangular table. Only two person were doing the mixing, the rest was looking. The real fun started when we start to fill up those little rubber cups with the liquid mixture. First, we were to put a thin layer as the base of our bon bon. It was then left to harden. Minutes after that, we put the mixture, say in this case the white chocolate with chilli and rosemary slices. That was left to harden again. Next, we put the toping. This one sealed the bon bon, becoming its base. Finally, we put the toppings.

And walla, you have your bon bon, ready to eat. Our bon bon was put into this lovely package, complete with a ribbon. The pink card, that's the recipe. Unfortunately it's written in Dutch, as such it became one of my collectible items. He he he...

So, my lovely, lovely people, all I'm saying is, chocolate is good for our health. In moderate amount of course. Anything taken more that it should is always not good. So, go on, get your chocolatey dose for today... I know I will.

October 30, 2005

Salam Aidilfitri. Maaf zahir dan batin.

In my writings, I'm sure I've touched people's hearts in not-so-good way. For that, I am sorry. May the Noor of Ramadhan and Eid shines upon us, and blessed us with His love.

Syawal this year is different for me. In fact, Ramadhan has been different all together. And I have a regret. For I do not feel I enjoy Ramadhan tremendously as before. However I hope I am not forgotten in the its spirit and blessed air.

How many times in life, when we want to say something it came out wrongly. It sounded even worse to our own ears. Things get bad because we were misunderstood. And how many times life, we let our emotions rule our words that made everything chaotic instead of sailing in the sea of calmness.And how many times, when we have to swallow the bile of our own making, accept our shortcomings, and realise the ever truth, we are only humans.

On a more positive note... I have been blessed, many, many times. Whether I realised it or not. And I am thankful for that. Life, has been good for me, lately. Alhamdulillah. And I hope it will continue on. There are still uncertainties, but then again, if you can know what will happen next, you're not human. And the element of surprise is taken away, thus life cannot be enjoy to the fullest. I wish, pray and hope everything will turn out for the better.

September 21, 2005

I don't exactly know how to put what's in my mind now into words... Hmm...

Isn't it ironic that some people would go quiet on you for some time, and materialise suddenly one day. I may have done this myself, that is why I'm having people doing this to me. Feeling a little sad. But then, hey... I'm in Europe. And all the heart aches are back there in KL. Shouldn't be thinking about them until I get back, should I?

Life is all about compartmentalising, I guess. You put some aspect of our life in drawer A, the rest in the drawer B. You might have some under other different drawers. Some would say, that is not living life fully. But I would say, it's a matter of maintaining sanity. Don't you think so?

Life is beautiful until you make it ugly. It's easy until you go down the difficult road. And why do we have to make choices that we know will actually leave us scarred in the end, anyway? What's the point? To get the experience? To enjoy it while it last? I am babbling vaguely here, for I couldn't possibly say everything in my mind here. And everything that's going on in my life, right? A blog still needs some filtering and sensoring. :-)

Sometimes when I think back all the things that I chose to do, and the things that I'm doing, I wonder why am I such a blocked head. Bukan salah ibu mengandung. The choices were made consciously, and if there's anyone to blame, it's me. I always say that people always have choices. It's up to us to choose which benefit us most. Long term. Short term.

I have a problem of letting go. And I akways have this secret hope that everything will turn out as I hope it will. Even knowingly it might not. But I still want to.

I will say this though, I was made happy. All these while. Granted, the happiness is borrowed. But I intend to use it fully. And yes, I still hope that some how or rather, one day, it can be mine fully. But then again, if it doesn't then I will let it go. And hope the Big Guy up there, give me the strength to untie the knot and let it sail away.

Don't get me wrong, there are no tears in my eyes. This is a realisation. An acceptance. Of foolishness. Of fate. Of knowledge. Of realism.

September 6, 2005

Go on... commit suicide...

... but don't be a murderer.

Now, I think, I have established before that I hate smoke. Especially, ciggarate smoke. We have also long establish that smoking not only destroy the smoker's body, but dangerous for the people around them also. The second-hand smokers. More dangerous in fact.

I won't go into statistics, because it has been widely publicised. I just cannot understand why smokers can be so rude. Everywhere nowadays you see people smoking, even under the non-smoking sign. And I thought smoking is banned in restaurants? Why do I see people puffing away like they have exclusive rights? Seriously, it gives me the shakes seeing people smoking.

Most inconsiderate.

I see no reason why people should take up smoking. What is so cool about smoking, anyway? And this bull dunk about cannot quit. Come on! And all these campaigns that wasting more money and time. I see more teenagers and women smoking nowadays. Girls, do you think smoking is the 'in' thing? Gosh, have you any idea what it does to your skin, your voice, your teeth, your nails. Oh... probably you want to look older, so that you can be admitted to those night clubs, eh?

Smokers are stupid.

I am not going to apologise for this post. Or the hard tone of it. If smokers have no sense of remorse that they are poisoning people around them, why should I be afraid of saying things that I feel about them? You know, I think non-smokers are making the path easier for the smokers to act as if they have the control. Because we never go up to them and say that their puffing disturb us. We never voice out our hatred of smoke.

Besides, smokers are just a bunch of legalised drug addicts.

There is nothing good about smoking. Just a stupid reason to burn money. If they can increase the fuel price, the car price, I see no reason why they shouldn't increase the price for tobacco and it's brothers and sisters.

Let's do this, if the next time you see someone you know (let's start with the people that will at least be embarassed...) smokes where obviously there are non-smokers around, let's tell them...

"I don't mind you committing suicide, but don't be a murderer in the process..."

A new hope

Yesterday, I was... reprimanded by Secret Friend. Secret Friend said from the start of our conversation I sounded so negative. There was nothing positive when I was at work, I was always saying that I'm lazy, sleepy, bored, etc. In short, Secret Friend was bored with my negative vibes.

So much for being positive and exude positivity, huh? Like, duhh...

On a more positive note, even when Secret Friend was 'blabbering' away, I know Secret Friend was right. In fact, right on target. It's pathetic when you have to blame your upbringing, but I know for sure part of who I am today is because of the way I was brought up. Don't get me wrong, my parents are wonderful people. They just have a set of beliefs that they are not willing to compromise. And I, being me, have my own set of beliefs, that a little different from theirs. I will not go into details, suffice to say, there are frictions at times and those sparks generates negative waves and tend to submerge me most of the times, making me one with it.

Anyway, that is why I am doing my best to be positive. And that is why it takes a lot of effort. It's altering my ready-made mindset to a new paradigm. Not easy. When something happen, I tend to have initial feelings about it, I have to balance it on an imaginary scale, ponder upon it, and if the initial feelings were baseless, in other words leaning to negative side of the situation, I will do my best to steer it to the positive side.

I admit, my thoughts are complicated at times. I can be complicated at times. But, I believe I have grown so much these past few years. I have become more... free in the way I think. I am simpler than I was before. Those days, I can be hyper sensitive. Now, I am more relaxed and laid back. I think that's good. I tend to take things as it comes. The past does creep on me at times, I wallow in them for a while, and then I let it go. If it visits me again in future, I'll just do the same thing.

Secret Friend said things will be good for me after this. Everything that I dream before will be a reality. Secret Friend said it might be exaggerating, but slowly things will happen. Although I have that tiny feeling that it might not happen, the bigger me realise it's true. Things are happening for me, for the better. And everytime I think about it, I take a deep breath and everything feels so right. So good. And I'm feeling good.

These are some of the things that I want to do, in the next 6 months. Let's see if they materialise...

Need to lose the jiggly wiggly part of me. Ergo, I'll sign up for gym membership.
I need to do something with my hair. Probably have it straighten. Ergo, salon trip.
I miss home cooked meal. Ergo, once a week, I'll cook at home.
The closet needs new style and colours. Ergo, shopping spree.
I've been neglecting my dainty feet. Ergo, pedicure treat.
Hmm... not bad. I'm sure there are others. But those five are the ones that I can pick from the top of my head. Now, all I need from you bloggies, MOTIVATION and ENCOURAGEMENT.

Check up on me, will you? Hehehe

August 30, 2005

Circle of life

You know, it's good to have friends. And I am blessed with loads. Some true, some.. not so. But, all in all, they are still friends. And they spice up your life the way you'd never imagine.

The other day, a friend smsed me and asked if I have Ayu's email, because he thinks she's the same astronot he met on the plane. Which turned out to be, true. Of course, there's no another Ayu who lives in penang who's an astronot!

Everything is in circle. Someone would say that remark reflects Hinduism. But I would say, a circle is a nice way to say things that goes around, comes around. One started with you, and will somehow end up with you. I think I'm blabbering.

Anyway, what I'm obviously trying to say is... we cannot predict the future. It happens the way it should happen. With His will. We cannot control it, because we do not have the power to do so. What we can do, is shape it. Do things today, the way you want tomorrow brings. If it happens, then it is yours, if it doesn't there's something better along the way. Sometimes, the thing that we want most, may not be the best thing for us. And He knows better. So, submit to His will, but never, ever do nothing to achieve what we want to.

Hmm.. my grey area is foggy. As grey should be. I'm having flu. I do not know why my daya ketahanan is very low at the moment. I'd like to blame it on cuaca berjerubu but that's just not fair. So, probably I was not eating right. I feel so, so very weak. So very lazy.

Feelings is definitely something that should not be toyed around. It is so sad when people take other people's feeling for granted. I wonder how the people who broke other people's heart for no obvious reasons can continue their life. I mean, if the other person is wicked, or not such a nice person, that it is understandable. But what if the other person gives his/her life, time, love whole heartedly? It's not fair for their hearts to be broken. It's just sad. More sad is when the heartbreaker can continue living their lives as if nothing happened. So cruel and heartless. Don't give hopes if you did not mean to realise it. That's just.. cruel.

So to all the people out there, who had been heartbreakers in the past, the should at least be remorse in your hearts. That would make you a better person. It would make you more human.

And to all the people who had been heartbroken, chin up! There's more to life than what happened. The ones who made you cry, do not deserve your tears. Take the past as lessons and use it wisely the next time around.

Questions of feelings and hearts can never be answered fully. It's an ongoing Q&A session. Because life goes on. Breathing continues. To quote Miss Keys, what goes around comes around, what goes up must come down

August 15, 2005

I wish to be a witch!

Many would say that I'm already am. A truly, wicked witch! One with pointed crooked nose, skin and bone, hunchback kinda witch. I, however, believe that I'm a witch like Samantha and Isabel. Smart, funny, just a little bit funky at times, but as true as a witch could ever be!

I went to watch BEWITCHED last weekend. It's a simple, straight forward movie. A feel good movie. I just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Although there a few points in the movie that worth looking over to. No, I do not mean the cinematography, or whether or not it's an Oscar production. I am by no means have the capacity or the capability to review a movie in such a way. I just like to talk about the message in the movie. He he he...

God's creature, human or witches, will never be satisfied. I want to be a witch. Isabel wants to be human. Normal she said. I want to be different. She said something about being able to see and look at it, but never able to touch and feel it, which what she really wants. Thus, she lives as a human, but with a magic touch. Or more apt, a magic wiggling nose. Only few people shares her secret.

Like Isabel, some of us are living in some sort of a disguise. A handful of trusted friends will know the real us, but the remaining will see only what we allow them to see. Luckily for Isabel, she's able to turn back time, when she realises she made a mistake. We on the other hand, have to live with it, which is the reality of life. I see turning back time as being coward. Shying away from the responsibilities. But then again, it is a movie. And witches have magical powers, of course they can do that. Oooohh.. they can't however, stop tears from falling. There is no spell for it.

Reflect. We tend to find answers for everything that happens to us. If it's painful, we find away to make it go away. If it's sickeness, we take medication. If it's confusion, we seek clarity. And the list goes on. Some things, are better left unaswered. Let them be as they are. It might be painful, but we'll sure live through it. Even witches and warlocks have to come to terms that not all answers can be found in jars of portions or spells or tarot-card-turns-VISA. Some things are meant to be experienced. However hurtful it is. However heart-wrenching.

Funny how we only question when bad or sad things happen, but we take for granted or feel that we deserve every bit of good stuff that happens to us.

August 12, 2005

The countdown has begun

The haze has cleared a little, because of the rain early this morning. Although the sun still look like an orange ball, the heat scorching the skin is familiar. Unlike these past few days where it was just a trapped heat. The air gracing my lungs still smells burning and ashes. But I am not complaining, as I hope things will get better, for I'd like to watch the magical two moon this month. Let's pray the haze will be totally gone by the 20th. And let there be clean and clear air after that.

The good news that made me smile from ear to ear is that I am changing environment in aproximately one month. I did not exactly get everything that I asked for, but that's okay. We can't be too greedy, can we? Some things take time and time is all it takes. We've got to be patient, and work for what we want with the intensity that we're comfortable with. Good things will come in time.

With power comes greater responsibilities

Or so it goes along that line. Therefore, it's not all honey and strawberry. In fact, it's actually strawberry. Because it's fulfilling and sour at the same time. So, even if it means better that before, it has its downside as well. But then again, everything has the upside and downside. So, I am not complaining. I pray this will mean a better me for time to come, in everything that I do and hope to achieve. Ameen.

Moving along... I'd like to talk about... carelessness. We are always careless with people who are closed to us. Think back, when was the last time you hurt someone close to you? It does not matter whether they are our parents, siblings, close friends, housemates, spouses, etc. We tend to be careless with their feelings. Careless in the way we act, what we say.

Sadly, most of the times, we did not realise that we've hurt them. We would only see the light when the sleeping volcano finally erupted, and by the time it does, it's difficult to make ammends. But it is not beyond redemption. Blood is thicker than water. And I believe it applies not only among family members, but also with people who we are very close with. However, the scar is there. The burnt trunks and melted metal. Whilst the lava will cool, and brings prosperity to the land, the hurtful memories remain. And there's only one thing to do, which is to live through it.

We have got to acknowledge that we're far from perfect. We tend to be careless, yes. Everyone of us. We might be hurting, or be hurt. We are both, the victim and the criminal. And since we wear both shoes, we should be more empathic to everyone. Imagine the understanding that can be derived.

I know, I know. It sounds farfetched. And too idealistic. Maybe I just am. An idealist. But if we could at least try to make a change, even in the smallest way, don't you think it counts to something? If everyone just snickers at what I said and move along, nothing has changed. And isn't that just so... sad? Then again, this is just my two sen. Can take it, can leave it. But when we have the power to make the change, I suggest we use it. Don't let it go to waste.

We have the power to make this world a better place to live in. In loving and harmonious way. It's just the choice that we have to pick amongst the others.

Now, if only it's that easy...

August 8, 2005

There is no goodbye

No, there isn't.

The fact remains that, even if we verbally say goodbye, our hearts and minds do not. So, how could it be a goodbye.

I said goodbye to yesterday, but the memory remains until today. The acts, the words, the results, the tears, could still be recalled in a moment of weakness. It's called back whenever thoughts flying wildly and uncontrollably back to yesterdays, yesteryears.

There is definitely no definite goodbye. For memory stays. Consciously, subconsciously. There is no running away from the memories. It's like a permanent ink. The only way to make it disappear, is to brutally, ruthlessly remove it. And it leaves a depthless scar.

People come and go in our lives. For reasons that most of the time, we don't understand. Or not willing to understand. Change is necessary, for without it, we are stagnant. No growth. No improvement. We might wither away for being the same place for so long.

Time and time again, we are knocked senseless directly or indirectly by someone, something, to move forward and make a change. To step outside the comfort zone and risk everything. But more often than not, we rather bruise than risk losing a limb. We play it safe. We stay put.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with wanting to stay put. Be contented with what is, then risk for what might. It's okay, because life is good. And, there's no shame in not wanting it to be better.

What's wrong is, when we expect other people to do the same. Some people are just not born copycats. Or clones. They want to build the new path. And what is, is just not enough. Because they know they can get better. That does not mean, they forget their roots. Although some, might lose their way in the course of striving for greatness. All these are the result of the foundation. If the foundation is strong enough, there is no way, the roots will be forgotten. Besides, how can the root, something that is vital for living be put aside, locked somewhere, never to be retrieved again? That's just not right. Live cannot continue.

We need to open our mind. If we are willing to stay where we are, we should accept the possiblity that other people might want to go beyond where they are. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong in wanting to be different. As long as different is still right. But then again, who are we to say what's wrong and right, when the ultimate is up to the One? We should refrain from acting like we have the ultimatum. We don't. We keep on growing until the day, He decides to call us back. Until that day comes, we should not stop our steps, rise higher if we can, be different if we must. Live life fully. Because at the end of the day, there is only one person to be accountable to that life we're living. Ourselves. No one else.

August 3, 2005

Clarity and reasons

The haze was horrible yesterday. I stood at balcony, and I was standing in the haze. The air felt oily and sticky. I washed my face several times. The late night shower did nothing to lessen the temperature. Shutting the sliding door only made the hall stuffier. The air was stagnant. Pungent. Opening the sliding door did not clear the air. It was hot, hot night.

The sun was a still orange ball at about 6 pm. Even the Telekom building was barely visible. KL and Genting Highlands was nowhere to be seen. The panaromic condo on top of the hill was a sillhoutte. I could feel my lungs working harder than usual. The aveolus could not filter all the poison. My red blood cells must be crying. Hopefully my white army with its snipers are sharp and strong enough to fight.

Last night, I watched a bit of Mencari Cinta. And I thought, have our society finally being reduced to such idiotic commercial value? It's just so sad. Who are the real idiots? The producers and the TV channel? The sponsors? The participants? The family members involved? Or... the audience? They can say whatever they want to say. This is a way to show the true values of our culture and religion. Puh-leassseeee... Like duhhhh.

Love cannot be sold. Or bought. Or commercialised. Or is it that in this modernised world, love has at last be one of the products for public amusement? How they ridicule its power and true meaning. Love eventually becomes a joke. Call me a romantic. Call me a hypocrite. Call me idealistic. But to me, there are some things that we should respect and put on high pedestals. Love be amongst them. I shan't say more. Go figure.

Moving on, the weather is much clearer today. Thanks to the early morning rain. I even drove with the windows opened this morning. I like the scent of rain. I love the smell of the air. Fresh and alive. The sky is bluer, trees are greener. But once I came down from the hill, the thicker air starts to clog my nostrils. So, I wound up the windows again. I could only enjoy cleaner air for about 5 minutes. But I guess, that's better than nothing.

I like to stand at the balcony on a no-so-hot day. Looking diagonally to the right, I saw the traffic heading to the town. I could even see the sun reflected on the windshield. Blinding at times. A little to the left, especially at night, Genting Highlands is a festival of lights. Stood majestically on top of the hill, commanding attention from the peasants below. And wishing a quick getaway, leaving the worries on unfinished tasks at work. Straight ahead is the higher ground. Palace for the kings. With panaromic view. I'm sure they enjoy more scenic skyline than I could.

There's something to be said about sitting quietly, watching the world around you. You see birds flying by, feel the breeze sweeping away, watch the children jumping into the pool, listening to their shouts and laughter. Sneak a peek to that balcony from the corner of your eye where a couple is standing side-by-side, sharing a laugh, and stolen kisses. Not to mention those few incidents where you can hear the neighbours quarelling. Throwing out stuff from the window. It's a sight. Hillarious. Scary too. That's watching life.

And then, it made me ask myself. Is this what life is really about? You have moments of pleasure. Then you go through the pains. The cycle of life. Ups and downs. Love and anger. Laughter and tears. Stephen Covey says that 80% of what happened in our life is within our control. It is the result on how we choose to react when something happen to us.

I believe in starting my day with a smile. That is why I get a little miffed when someone or something mess with my morning. But, referring to Mr Covey's idea, it's up to me to be miffed or not in the first place. Habits are difficult to change. So, it takes hard work and time. As long as we do our best to change the not-so-good things, we will be better than before. Don't you think so?

It is true that I have a positive outlook at life in general. It is not always good. Neither it is always easy. When you have so much negative vibes around you, it's difficult to stay optimistic all the time. So, it's a war of aura. Whose aura is much stronger? It gets better and more powerful when you have friends with the same view and feeling on the matter. Than you could win the battle. At times, I lost. But that's okay, because if we win all the time, that's not good either. We might forget that we're after all, humans.

Nowadays I don't complain too much. And I am far from being judgemental. I leave that to the one who has the final say. He who is the Most Merciful. He who is the owner of us. I feel that, each person has their own way in living their life. It might not suit us, it might be wrong. But who are we to say that it's not right for the other person? We don't live their lives as they don't do ours. So, leave the judgement to Him. We can advise and voice our opinions. But there it ends.

And today, I shall smile all day.

August 1, 2005


love is accident.. waiting to happen

desire is a stranger... you think you know

intimacy is a lie... we tell ourselves

truth is a game... you play to win

why did u swear eternal love when all you wanted was excitement?

if you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking

Excerpts from Closer trailer

July 21, 2005

On Hitz.FM

This morning, the DJ gave out some tips to guys.

1. The number one question that you should never ask a woman:

"Have you gained weight?"

Reason: Because women ALWAYS know that they have gained some extra pounds. So never ever point it out.

2. When asked the question, "Do I look fat in this?", always answer:

"Dear, the dress do you no justice!"

and quickly start talking about anything else.

Now, it's funny when you hear it the first time, but then, when the hillarious air subsided, a question formed in my head. Why are we, women, so obsessed about the extra pounds? Believe me, I am no different. Part of it because I am worried about it, part of it because it seems like the IN thing to be worried about my lovehandle.

There is an answer for the question that applicable for all though. We are influenced by the notion of "beauty". Now, lets be honest with ourselves, we give each other excuses like "to stay healthy", "to stay in shape", etc etc, but it all boils down to one common understanding. We want to look pretty. As what the standard mass acceptance. Slim without jiggly wiggly, without 'unsightly' bulge, is pretty. It is never wrong to look pretty. It boost up our confidence. And it also, helps to hold our 'loving' partner on our side. They will have no reason to look elsewhere.

Now, there is a saying, when a man loves a woman, he looks pass the physical attributes. May I say, this is a bull dunk? NO WAY! Humans are naturally attracted to pretty, pleasant looking things, pleasing to their eyes. First impression is always physical. So does the second, third, and so on. With other additional attributes as you move along. But appearance, matters. I learnt that first hand, accepted that. There has to be physical attraction, then, and only then can there be the second step. Oh, women, we are the same. We also put physical attractiveness as one of the priority. Probably, we give some allowance in certain cases, we are more... gentle in that sense. But the fact remains, we also go for the eye candy. Think Joe Black, Angel the Vamp and.. urmm.. Balthezar/Cole in Charmed? Ahhhh....

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, there's nothing wrong in wanting to look good. In fact it's great that we have the inclination to look better. BUT let's not be too obsessed about it, shall we? I mean, look at the tips in Hits.FM. They have to prepare an answer, a standard answer, just to avoid being in a sticky position. This is not being sincere. Both sides has to be. The man and the woman. The one who's doing the asking, and the one who's answering.

Why did we ask in the first place? Just so that we get a pleasant answer to make us feel good? Wouldn't it be more exciting and pleasing when we're complimented without we're giving out hints or prompting the other person? Or did we ask because we want to 'trap' that other person? Oh... we wouldn't be so cruel, would we.. Don't do that. It's not nice.. He he he...

It won't hurt a bit if we bite our lips to hold the thoughts to ourselves, stop ourselves from asking. On the other hand it won't hurt either GUYS, for you to come out with sincere compliments for your spouses. Be a little more... empathic towards each other. Come on... a real man would be able to do that. ;-) And if we can do this, there wouldn't be a need for radio stations or magazines to come out with suggested answers to dangerous-questions-in-a-tricky-situation.

Oh, I want to raise something on magazines, tv and ad companies also. Inside, they have this articles of love thyself, thy body, thy skin, thy colour and the whole lot. But, the pictures! The cover, the advertisements. Come one people, let's not be a hypocrite. If you are all for people loving themselves, let's be more realistic in conveying the message. You have an article about loving yourself for who you are, but on the next page, oh, straight hair is beautiful, tame your wild curls! the power of whitening! fair like a goddess. Stop all this lah, will you? When can people start loving themselves when you're giving out mixed signals like that? Do you know that in some parts of India, they rather die than having dark complexion? I'm not making this up, I read it in NST some time back.

So, loose those inches people, but don't starve. Use that whitening cream, but don't expect to be fair like Paige Halliwell. Do the hair but rejoice its natural beauty. I think, I have come to terms with my natural state, that I feel far superior than those of shelf products result. Oh, I may grumble and complain that I lack this, and have more of that, but.. well, that's just part of being a woman, isn't it? Hehe... I may not be the next Miss World, but I am who I am, love me, hate me.

July 18, 2005

When the going gets tough

Often, I'd reflect what I did and said in the past. And then I asked myself whether or not I was in the wrong. In fact, I do this everyday. Sometimes the guilt eats me until I could not breathe. I get scared. And I want to apologise. In most cases though, I should not. Apologise. Because I have to think about myself, and it is for my own good. I, however, may apologise for the delivery. Not the content.

I used to put other people feelings more than I put mine first. I would rather be hurt and unsatisfied and sad, than inflict those feelings in others. I was the true matyr. But, then, I realised, I could not go on with my life if I were to put others ahead of me every single second of my breathing life. Others will live, but I will die. Slowly. From the inside. When you're dying inside, your smile will not warm the world, your words are no song to the ears and your touch feel cold to the skin. You're slowly disappearing from the living.

And so, I grew up. Today, I am more selfish. I still think of others, but not to the expense of my feelings and my being. I put myself first. If I cannot flourish, how can I get others to bloom as well? I, myself, need to know the path. Then and only then I can guide the rest.

Some may think I've become harder. I am more a rebel. But I see myself as a fighter, instead of just a contender. I will not be satisfied with second best anymore unless there is no other choice. As long as I am able to make new things happen, I will. So long as I am allowed to choose, I will. No one other than myself should be able to decide on that. Yes, I may seem harsher, but I want things to be good too. Can someone be an idealist and a realist at the same time?

I have my failings. I have my share of mistakes. Tonnes of doubts. And believe me, quite low self esteem. My secret friend said to me, I tend to write brilliant things but speak stupid things. That is quite true. :-) I find it easy to express myself here. I see not the face who're judging me, and even if they do, I do not care. I need more courage, and my secret friend is helping.

Dear secret friend, you are the positive vibes in my life. And I treasure you for that. Even if you should go and never look back, you shall always have that special spot in my life, in my heart. Truth is, none has ever have an absolutely trust and believe that I could make it. But knowing you, I can see the path clearly. And to tell me that you feel that I'm going to make it, makes me feel the same way too. And it is not just a dream anymore. I'm bloody well on the road to it. At the very least, at the beginning of that road. I hope so much that you would always remain by my side for as long as we shall live. You have brought the new meaning of thinking positive and accepting good things that people say about myself without wondering whether or not they are sincere. Thank you so much.

Having said that, at the end of the day, I know I have to rely only on myself. Done is the day I rely and put hope on other people. I have to move on, and make things happen myself. It's good to turn back once in a while, but what's in the past should remain in the past. Today I lay my ghosts to rest, never to wake them up again. Today I shall be stronger than yesterday and look forward to new and greater things. Today, the ghosts will remain memories and I shall smile everytime the thoughts of them come visiting. Today, I shall carve that new path and never look back.

So people, if you're with me on this new road, face your demons, settle the unfinished business, and lay them to rest. Move on and be glad that those demons enrinched our lives and make us who we are today. Be proud that we are brave enough to face that of which we fear most.

"Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace"
Amelia Earhart (1897 - 1937), Courage, 1927

July 15, 2005

Life is an essay

Our lives are full of questions. It's up to us to find the answers. More often that not, we won't like the answers. And the truth always hurt. Thus, do we want the answers to those questions the second time if we are given the chance to relive the moment? Will we be braver the second time around? What good is second chance if you know the answers will be the same? But, do we know for sure on that? Will we mind being second best? Can we settle for second best? And I'm not only talking about a partner. Come on people, just because I wrote mushy stuff for several postings... :-P

When you look at life objectively, you tend to be disappointed or frustrated when it doesn't go your way. I used to think that way. And then... I grew up. Life is subjective. Granted we cannot see the future, that much I've accepted long time ago, but I'm referring to our expectations. When we have fixed expectations, we see things and our surroundings definitely. It's good and we are supposed to have goals and objectives in life, but it does not have to be the definite future. We have to be able to manouvre, adapt to the changes and accept the shortcomings.

When we see life subjectively, anything can happen. That is why the Wright brothers could fly, and Sir Franklin found electricity. We see things differently, we view life differently. And we will wonder the greatness of the Creator.

But then, that's just my two cents... ;-)

July 13, 2005

Ancient Wisdom for Modern Living

It is very apt that I found this in my inbox this morning... and I like to share it with you.


7 Steps to a Harmonious Life

Adapted from Love In the Palm of Your Hand, by Ghanshyam Singh Birla (Inner Traditions, 1998)

Simple Solution

“Yesterday is only a dream and tomorrow is only a vision; but today, well-lived, makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.”

--Sanskrit text

Here are seven concrete steps that you can take to bring about positive change. Based on ancient Hindu wisdom, these steps can help anyone to begin exercising their free will constructively to create a better, happier, more fulfilled life.

Find out the seven steps to more harmonious living, here:

Remember, it can take time before a conscious mode of behavior filters into your subconscious and becomes automatic.

1. Breath

It is your breathing that gives birth to your thoughts. The breath, without which you cannot even exist, is necessary to transform an idea into a living reality. Deep breathing indicates healthy lungs, which in turn manufacture prana, the subtle form of breath or life force, responsible for giving you strength and energy.

2. Thought

Deep, balanced breathing--in which the cycle of inhalation and exhalation is effortless--creates a state of inner calm in which clear, objective thinking can occur. You can become more focused on the immediate issue without losing sight of the greater context.

3. Action

Once you are able to think clearly about a situation or a problem, you will know how to act. You will be able to discriminate between what you want and what you need, between attraction and love, and between what is really good for you and what is not.

4. Habit

Repeated appropriate actions create a positive habit. While these actions may require conscious effort at first, over time they become second nature.

5. Character

Habits provide the foundation of your character. Once a series of repeated actions becomes unconscious habit, you realize that you have begun to change your past tendencies.

6. Behavior

Your behavior reflects the changes in your character. Others will perceive you as wiser and more loving.

7. Circumstances

With a more positive attitude and behavior, the circumstances of your life will improve. You’ll find greater harmony in your work, in your personal relationships, and in your spiritual life.


One of the most courageous things you can do is identify yourself, know who you are, what you believe in, and where you want to go. -- Sheila Murray Bethel

July 7, 2005

Come to stay

I'm tired. Tired of pretending that everything is okay. Tired of smiling when my heart is crying. Tired of believing when I can see the truth is fading. Is this what real life really about? If it is, I will gladly continue dreaming. Don't wake me up while I'm sleeping. Let me be.. Let me be..

The sun shines when you're near me, but hides behind the cloud when you're away. The birds don't sing when you're gone, even the breeze refuses to caress my cheeks. The days seem slower, and every step is a drag. I may be alive to the naked eyes looking at me, but inside it feels like I'm dying slowly.

Come back, come home. I can't seem to function without you. If this is love, I rather not have it. If this is lust, I rather not burn with it. But I do not know how to get away from it. You're inside me, in every blink of my eyes, in every breathe that I take. Your soul is within me. How can this be? Am I flowing inside you too? Do you feel how I feel when we're apart? Or is this just my mind playing the effect that all those romance books have to mortals?

I am myself when I'm with you. The curtain of pretense is dropped when I talk to you. My eyes smile when they see you, my heart beats its pleasant rhythm when we're together. My skin tingles even before we touch, my head is light and my troubles seem so far away.

Come back, come home. The song does not play when you are far away. The perfume lost its scent for you're not here to stay. The arts lost it beauty day by day. There is no pleasure in everything I say.

Come back, come home. For I will you to stay.

June 27, 2005

is it morning already?

it can be a reason, but it's not an excuse...

Something happened during the weekend that I came out with that phrase. A dear friend told me to look at the BIG PICTURE.

Oh, dear me... is it time for me to wake up? And face that very thing I put aside a year back?

I always do my best to be consistent with the things that I say and the stuff that I do. Sometimes it is a battle. You know what is right and good for you, but you just have to forget that bit for a while and go ahead with your instinct and wants. Sometimes, it is good for you, other times it left you... hollow.

This morning, while doing my... ermm... morning routines, a thought suddenly occured to me. I am going to be closer to that big three oh. And a realisation; maybe it's time for me to start reflecting and a muhasabah session is due. Oh, how I hate it when I'm right.

Yesterday, I watched "Under the Tuscan Sun". In a nutshell, it's a story of picking up pieces, or what's left of it, and starting anew. It was very refreshing and enlighting. And how apt it was to be aired on the weekend my conscience was knocked. Now, before you start to think "oh my.. what had this gal went through in the past.." no, I did not have a bad life, or went through a pile of dung to be who I am today. Nothing major. Just the normal disappointment and heartache (breaks?) and headache and yadda yadda

I used to think too much. On what happened. I analyse the situation. Was it my fault? Where did I go wrong? What is it about me that is not enough? How can I make things better next time? What I shouldn't have done? The list can go on and on and on...

But then, I realise, if things did not happen the way they did before, then I wouldn't be where and who I am now. If things we all jelly and strawberry last time, I might not be pushed into my artistic direction and get started on my writing again. You see, things happened for a reason. Gosh, I'm starting to sound like old record playing, again and again, sampai lebam.

Anyway, to avoid being repetitive, I shall put here some excerpts I caught in Under the Tuscan Sun last night.

Worrying is a waste of time.

Live your social life in all direction. And never lose your childhood enthusiasm.

Green light means 'GO', yellow light is for decoration, red light is just a suggestion

June 24, 2005

Bila kau pergi...

Kau berangan lagi Didie?

Huh? Apa? Oh.. Julie. Aku...

Sudahlah Didie, tak ada gunanya kau fikirkan tentang dia lagi. Barang yang lepas usah dikenang.

Tapi Julie, aku sayang padanya. Kau tak mungkin faham. Semuanya sempurna, tiba-tiba, lenyap.

Tiada yang sempurna dalam hidup ini. Kau, of all people should know that.

Alas... I'm only human. Dan hati aku juga hati wanita Julie.

Suatu masa dulu, kau pernah ingatkan aku. We belong to no one but ourselves. Tapi sekarang.. kau seperti hilang arah. Mana pergi kepastian dan kekuatan kau?

(Senyap. Sunyi. Hanya terdengar nafas turun nai dengan perlahan.)

Entahlah. Aku pun tidak tahu apa lagi yang harus kukatakan. Bukan aku yang memikul bebanmu Die. Tapi aku juga sayangkan kau. Melihat kau sebegini seperti melihat si ibu meratapi pemergian anaknya ke peperangan yang tidak pasti. Kau perlu kembali Die. Kau perlu ada di sini!

Aku masih di sini Julie. Kau tahu aku juga sayangkan kau. Aku juga tidak tahu bagaimana mesti aku tunjukkan agar kau fahami gersang hati ini. Kosong! Aku seperti hilang tiang yang selama ini mengibarkan bendera cinta agung. Mataku kini seperti buta dan tiada lagi warna yang menghiasi duniaku. I'm in black and white world! Empty.

Jangan berlama-lama begini Didie. Aku tidak mahu kau menjadi Kassim Selamat seperti dalam ceriti Si BatuApi.

Oh Julie... masih upaya kau berjenaka denganku di ketika ini. (Tersenyum)

Didie, kau akan berjumpa dengan penggantinya nanti. Percayalah!

Tidak akan sama dengan yang telah pergi. Tiada lagi mata biru yang akan merenung dalam menusuk pandanganku. Tiada lagi kemanjaan yang sering menyambut kepulanganku. Tidak sama dakapan yang hangat menemani tidurku. Aku sepi.

Sudahlah Die. Jangan terbawa-bawa dek hati yang sunyi. Temani sahaja sedihmu dengan lagu-lagu nyanyian Si Mawi.

Julie! Hentikan lawak bodohmu itu. Aku masih grieving!

Ha ha ha. Aku perlu pergi Die. Kau jaga dirimu baik-baik. Dan Si Tompok yang telah meninggalkanmu itu, mungkin dia berada di tempat yang lebih baik. Sudah aku katakan, belikan Friskies. Tapi kau degil dan masih memberinya Whiskas. Ahh.. aku dah lewat.. pergi dulu.

Hmmphh.. Pandu kereta itu elok-elok. Oh Tompok... kenapa kau tinggalkan mummy? Mummy sayang padamu, tidakkah kau rindukan mummy? Pulanglah Tompok...

June 3, 2005


Why is it that acceptance by the mass is so important? At least by the people who are close to us? Why do we need this unwritten approval in our lives to enable us to take the next step and move forward? Why do we need to justify what we do or say just so that people that we care won't feel hurt? Why must there be a standard in life to gain acceptance?


Frankly, I just want to say bloody well mind your own business. But honestly, I can't. And seriously, I do not know the answer for the questions. But that does not stop myself from wondering why...

I think we walk our lives with other people's expectations weighing on our shoulders. Sit back, and think through it. We let people dictate (perhaps, indirectly) what we should be doing. And not be doing. Malays are one polite society. There is no other races in the world which can rival the Malay's hospitality, values and believes. "Biar mati anak, jangan mati adat".

But, the pattern is changing.

Today, we are so liberalised that we say what we want and tell how we feel. The power of education? Or the influence of external cultures? I do not want to dwell much in the origins for it'll take longer time to blog.. and I would need references to support this. As much as I like to, I do not have the will to do it today. So, let's just come out with what I feel about this.

My father always say, when you pick up a stick, you pick both ends up. Ergo, when you do something, you take both the good and the bad effect of it. Nothing that you do, can only leave good aftermath, regardless how noble the deed was. Heh! Am in no mood of giving examples, I'm sure you can think of one... he he he... (yes, that's how lazy I feel).

So, today we are more open than before. But how open you want yourself to be, that's the after-effect you've got to decide. These days, I do not think anything can surprise me. Not anymore. Things that unthinkable 10 years back are happening in front of my eyes. And being me, I am not going to be judgemental. We are humans. Humans make mistake. Thus, we are in no position to deliver the ultimatum. In the end its tuan punya badan who is answerable.

Silence is golden.

I do not need to go back so many years to know that I'm ever so different than I was before. I need only to go back 5 years, tops. If back then my reality of life is green and blues, sugar and honey... Now, it's chocolate. Because, life can be sweet and bitter. It's the amount of sugar or milk that you put in that'll make the difference.

Our life is so short. Pejam celik, pejam celik, I'm going to cross over another decade soon. Will I be different then from who I am now? Of course! If I don't, that would mean, I did not live my life to the fullest. That would mean, I aged before I should.

And should I ever find other's acceptance of what I'm doing or saying, it'll be from the One who's judging me and delivering the ultimatum. These days, I live day by the day, tomorrow is just another day, and yesterday will remain yesterday.

May 24, 2005

Will of Stone

(WARNING: the title might not reflect the post)

God is Almighty. Everything that happens, is His will.

I use to have a LOT of personal opinion on a LOT of things. I rather not share what are those. But suffice to say that if once I thought things will always be round, I found out it can always change to be a cube. I found out life moves, values change. Things that were right yesterday may not be necessarily so today. I found out, I have changed.

When I was in school, life was practically straight forward. Get good grades. Go up the stage every year to receive awards. Be a prefect. Involve in story telling, writing and poetry. Recite the Holy Quran on religious celebrations. And so forth.

When I turned 17, life took a diagonal turn for me, and move forward again. However, from there on, the path was not that straight anymore. I do not think the choice I made back then was wrong. It was just another logical step, or so I thought, in my then straight path. But, God's power is not to be questioned.

I believe that whatever happens in our lives, though it's by our own design, because of the choices that we made and make, always, always, there is a good side out of it. Some would say the choices that you made were wrong, but if they look closely, it could actually meant you turned out to be a better person than before. Tears might be shed. Laughter might be surpressed. But whatever happens, it happened for reasons. And most of the time, you need not seek what the reasons are. You've just got to accept it.

Duhhh.. have I blogged about this before? Because I have this deja-vu feeling that I've uttered these words before. Sometimes when you do self-reflecting you tend to repeat that same ol' stories without realising it. I do realise that whenever I'm in this muhasabah mode, I tend to talk a LOT about choices. Because I feel, it all drills down to that, at the end of the day.

Having said that, I am reflecting while driving this afternoon. Back then I said a lot of things that I wouldn't do. But I realised today that in fact, I did some of them already, or am doing them. Thus, whenever this realisation came bashing my grey substance, I decide that from now on, keep my mouth shut, I shall. Silence paints a thousand word. (Yes, I change that well known phrase...)

In truth, I rarely speak my mind. For when I speak, it can be sharper than a thousand sword. Some people would not be able to handle it. And I believe, I might have lost few friends because of this nature. But then again, if they could not handle it, they might as well not be friends of mine. For if I can bear with their stupidity, shrewdness and impossibility, why shouldn't they do the same for me?

Alas, nothing is as simple as that. We say that we should treat people the way we want to be treated. In reality, this cannot happen at all. We expect too much from other people, but we give ever so little, if we indeed give. Ergo, we are not satisfied when people give nothing to us.

I watched Matrix Reloaded last night on Astro. Missed the first half an hour. When I watch it years back, I did not actually get what the Architect was telling Neo. Last night, I did. He was talking about... CHOICES. How ironic. The choices we make determine our future.

It is true that whatever happens because of God's will. But it is also true that whatever happens because we will it to happen. We choose it to happen.

Gosh, I'm getting bored talking about this. So must be you. Ha ha ha... Probably it's the rain. Probably it's the cold. Probably I'm getting old. And people say you get wiser as you get older. I found that to be so untrue. You can be 12 years old, but already an adult or a 45-year-old and still watching SpongeBob Squarepants.

Go figure.

May 23, 2005

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

May 20, 2005

Things I learnt last night

Country with the tastiest desserts:
German (which reputedly with the best beer)

Place with vast collection of arts:
Florence, Italy @ Uffizzi Musuem

'Uffizzi' means office.

It is in Italian's old tounge.

Country with invaluable historical artifacts:

Young calf meat (slaughtered before it stops weaning):

The art of wine drinking:
You hold the stem of the wine glass because you don't want your body temperature affecting the wine's.
You swirl the liquid in the glass to get it oxidised.
You smell the wine before you sip to get the scent.
You sip it to savour the taste while the scent still lingers.

Bizarre fact:
Most people, when asked, why they want to visit certain places, could not give reasons. If they do give one, it's vague.

Country with most castles:

In France:
The old castle costs lesser than the apartments.

In Italy:
It costs a BOMB to buy an apartment. Because, there are hidden arts on the ceiling... And people who bought a basement of a building to turn it into home, can be a zillionaire in no time. Because, there are hidden arts on the ceiling...

In Florence:
Everywhere is art. Every corner. Each building.


All in one dinner sitting. Hmm... I couldn't seem to remember anything else. So... will add more, should it come back to me.

I am actually having blogger's block. Couldn't think of anything to write. Should I ask someone to interview me? He he he...

May 18, 2005

Thoughts before going home

It has been a busy day. So much so that my status for the messenger read "Fainted. Do NOT revive me". But then again it has been busy period for me for the past one month. Reason: Taking over task. And believe me, it's the pain in the back, and everywhere else. Am just so lucky my brain did not give out, and just shut down.

No one likes to take over unfinished task from other people. Because it would mean you got to be answerable to what's going on. All the "solved" error log starting to coming back, two by two. On top of that some basic stuff was not complete. Heh! I can go on and on about work, but I rather not. However frustrated I am, it's still, what it is, WORK. And there is no two way about it, like it or not, it has to be done. So, snap.

My housemate, SS, sent me an email this morning, about hmm... the 'situation' between the boyfriend and she. She said something about the reason why she do not want to be in a reationship is because the partner will get hypersensitive on nitty gritty stuff and not understanding her feelings. I agreed. He he he. True wattt...

My advice to her, was something along this line... communicate what she wants and expects. Reason being men do not have the capacity to think more than what women tell/show them. Coz they got no intuition to speak off, as such, they suck in guessing and reading what we want. Everything has to be crystal clear for them.

I always wonder how most of the marriages in yesteryears can last forever. I do not think there was much communication those days. I mean, it was more like, Husband tell, wife do. Or... was it not? These days, we're more... exposed, as such expectations are different and varies. Communication is the most important thing to get the message across. If you want to get more technically scientific, I think there was a research done which concluded, people with the same brain wave or something like that, get along better.

But, I digress. It takes two to tango. So, if one person gets annoyed, it must be the other person did something not quite right. Or probably the annoyed one is just with imbalanced hormone for the day. Thus, making the brain wave a little bit distorted and couldn't be matched with the spouse.

Coming back to reality, there is no easy way in a relationship. There will always be questions, doubts, disagreements and whatever else negativity you can name. It's not a fairy tale however much we want it to be. Both parties have to acknowledge each other, and think about the other person to make it work. It shouldn't be one sided.

We always say it takes a lifetime to know someone. And sometimes, a lifetime is still not enough. But if that is so, then how can it be? You've got one shot at life, and then... capoot. We got to make the best of what we have, it couldn't be anything 'simpler' than that. Life itself is never simple. If it is, we wouldn't be unique and there wouldn't be conflict.

Sometimes, you do not need to understand that person, but just accept that's just the way they are. And remember that probably that was why you were in the relationship in the first place. Some things are meant to stay they are as they were before. They were not meant to be changed. Because, maybe, if they do change, it will never be the same, and it losts its beauty. Thus, acceptance is another important thing in a relationship.

And sometimes, letting go is not the solution. Sometimes, it is. We've just got to decide which option we can go on living with. Or without. Without regrets.

"I've tried to go on like I've never knew you
I'm awake when my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is Incomplete..."

May 10, 2005

On Moving on

I feel for Jennifer Aniston. Damn you Brad Pitt (aaahhh... my heart goes pitty pat remembering him in Meet Joe Black)!!

Have you ever pause and reflect, how fast men can move on? Or is it because they have moved on long before the woman let go that makes it look so easy on them? Lunch hour today, I was at the newstand. I saw this urrmm.. tabloid mag, a picture of a broken hearted Jen, and a trio playing at the beach namely Mr Pitt, Miss Jollie and her kid were at the front page.

Women, being the emotional creature that we are tend to hold on things longer than we're supposed to. I think. Is this a weakness or a strength? It can be both. I think. For it being the strength thus marriages and relationships last for so long. Or until death do us part. Don't believe me? Try asking any wives how many silent tears they shed alone. For it to be a weakness, that's make us humans.

It is a sad situation always in a relationship, when men can move on as if nothing happened, and the women are left to pick up the pieces. And not once being given the answer to the question 'why'. Oh.. do note that this is a generic post. It does not refer to anyone, or anything. I was just... reflecting. And thinking of Jen.

If you see a woman, who is able to move on as if nothing affect her, she's pretending. I have a friend who seem to be strong on the outside, but she's actually fragile in the inside. It's a defense mechanism. People around might say that I look happy today for I was smiling and laughing, but no one can know the storm brewing inside. Appearing strong is a way for us not wanting to get hurt again.

This post is bias, yes. For I am a woman. And I admit, I'm an emotional creature. Far from hating it or feel sorry because of it, I'm happy being one emotional woman creature. It's part of me. It's who I am. And it's what makes me a woman.

So, Jen, fret not with what happened. You can be sad. Give yourself time to heal and move on. But move on you will. And I believe there's always that person out there, named Man, who can actually appreciate the emotional creature that is in us. I am just a sucker for fairytales and happy endings. I'm just naive that way. Ask not for me to change.If magic doesn't happen in real life, then, there is no life.

Is it time to move on, then?

May 6, 2005

The thing speaks for itself

Some things are meant to be unspoken. And not to be questioned. There is a saying that silence is golden, and curiosity kills the cat.

What happens when we think too much? Assume too much? Believe too much? We have become dependent. In our quest to be different, strive for balance, to be independent and whatever else, we almost always will end up being dependent. Why did we need independence in the first place then?

Does wanting to be independent is actually a juvenille antics? That little kid in us screaming to be noticed? Thus we break all the rules, devil may care and do things our way. Our generation I believe, is challenged unlike the people before us. Those days, things were simpler. I have no energy to go and make apple with apple comparison. Taking too much time.

Hmm.. time. That 24 hours in a day that's never enough. You always wish you have more time to do that and go there.

Ok... let's take a little example. Remember when we were in school. We always need to have pencil colours. Luna pencil colours. 12 different colours to choose from. I was happy. Then one day, a classmate brought her new pencil colour. Wow! She has more colours than I did! She has 24! A month later, another classmate got a new set of pencil colour. This time around it's 32! And so it went until one classmate brought the biggest pencil colour set. I think it was 52 colours! And that time, I just brought in my new set, 24 colours. And I got it as a present. A set that I lost barely a month after that. Huwaaaaaaaa... Those days, it's who has the latest paper doll, latest colouring book, most impressive pencil box with multi compartments, colourful, shapeful pencil erasers.

These days, school kids are using handphones. More advanced than the one I am using. Hmmm.. The other day my aunty was talking about his son. I think he is in Form 2. He just bought a new handphone. He has two different numbers. Reason, his friends were saying that they are not calling him because his previous number is under a different mobile provider than theirs. So it costs more to call him. Now, his parents are paying more because his new number cannot be included under the favourite list. Peer pressure. So, he has two handphones for two different numbers, one for the family. One for friends.

My first handphone was when I was in my final year in the uni. But I could not beat my dad. He got his first handphone a year before he retired. And it was given to him. Last month, he got a brand new one from his children as a birthday present. My brother told him, "Sekarang, abah nyer handphone yg paling advanced sekali dalam rumah ni..". Hehehe.. Emak said he was so excited getting it, he slept late two nights straight!

Now... what was it about facing different challengers than our forefathers? Peer pressures are different. Imagine colourful Luna pencil colours vs handphones. Of course.. in the span of almost 20 years. Gosh.. I feel old. Hahahaha....

Puzzled as I am to the effect of technology on our culture, I don't oppose to changes. I embrace them. BUT I sure hope the values that we have in our lives stay the same. You know, basic things like family connection, friendships, the simple pleasure of watching a birdy fly for the first time, and the awe that we feel when we see flowers blooming. I'm being sentimental. Puzzled maybe the wrong word to use. But for lack of anything better for the moment, it serves the purpose.

I may seem to be carefree. Almost always doing things without thinking. Rebellious. But deep down inside, there are things I hold dearly and would not want its purity lost eaten by the hands of time. Some things are meant to stay the same.

The thing speaks for itself.

April 24, 2005

Kenapa perlu diam?

Cuba bayangkan satu keadaan berkonflik.

Diam itu perlu untuk mencari penyelesaian. Diam itu perlu untuk menjernihkan keadaan. Diam itu perlu untuk membuang rasa gundah. Diam itu perlu supaya fikiran menjadi lapang, dada menjadi tenang dan keputusan yang bakal dibuat menjadi senang. Diam.

Lantas, setelah diam, dapatkah penyelesaian dan keputusan diterima? Atau dalam diam-diam kita tertidur?

April 22, 2005

Penangan Cik Siti

It's 10.19am on a bright Friday. Most of my colleagues are on leave today. The office is quiet. Good thing? Maybe. Summore, it's Friday wattt... Tomorrow's the weekend.

When I came in this morning, as usual I would open me email, and read me emails. One of it left me thinking. It's a forwarded email by the way. Someone who's living in northern part of the UK is blowing of his/her frustration on Cik Siti's concert in Albert Hall the other day. Well.. not exactly on the concert itself, but the selling of the tickets. This person, I presume he/she is a student, bought the ticket coz he/she is one of Cik Siti's diehard fans so he/she wants to watch her perform. First frustration, the ticket is expensive. From the way he/she wrote the email, apparently it's too expensive for him/her and not only he/she has to pay quite a sum for the ticket, he/she had to pay around 110 punds for the train ticket plus one night stay in London. Next he/she vented about the ticket price being lowered down after he/she already purchased it cause otherwise he/she could've gotten a better seat with the amount that he/she paid. Then, he/she blew the top because apparently shortly before the concert, the tickets were given freely to Malaysian's students which included his/her sister who's studying in London. Oh, he/she also said something about the promotion was only being done in London.

Now, I am not writing about the concert itself. Was not there, wouldn't know zit about the ticket selling/giving, much less about the promotions done. What I want to talk about is this person who wrote the email, presumably the email is authentic. It was undersigned "Peminat Siti di County Tyne and Wear".

You're a student. Going on and on about the almost-not-there scholarship and how you can't afford to stay in London for a week and how the ticket price should be lowered from the very beginning do not alter the fact that you're a student. The scholarship was given to you to STUDY. If there's left over for you to enjoy yourself, that's lucky. Well, you're lucky enough to be there to study at the first place. The scholarship is for your pocket money and tuition fee. So, if you don't have enough left to watch you beloved song bird performing, that's no one else's fault.

I do not understand the mentality of some people. Someone wanted to borrow money from me once because this someone had not got enough to follow someone's friends to Janda Baik to play paintball. Can you believe that? I still could not comprehend even though it happened years back. I am not on friendly terms with this someone anymore, not because this i-need-money-for-paintball-game-so-could-you-lend-me-some situation but from a different matter altogether.

So you see, my point is, if you cannot afford it and it's not life threatening and something you can live without, why bother in the first place? You could always go and listen to Cik Siti sometime later when you've earned your own money (I'm sure she'll still be around and peforming).

To avoid sounding like a hypocrite, I confess, I do fall victim sometimes for the wants instead of need. Keperluan vs Kehendak. (I suddenly remembered one of the sub-topics for Kemahiran Hidup subject back in secondary school.) But it has always been for stupid little things and not something that'll alter my living condition. So if I was given a choice between "ikat perut untuk beberapa minggu" (quoted from the email) to spend RM1300 for the whole concert thingy and just reading about it in Kak Teh's blog, I'll choose the latter, thank you very much. Ok, so, I'm not a huge fan of Cik Siti, but this is a metaphore if you're willing to open up your mind...

Maybe it's time for us to change our paradigm. Ini belajar tinggi-tinggi pi obersi tapi pemikiran masih di takuk lama. Macam mana nak maju? Not to mention you're going there with DUIT RAKYAT. Grow up. Be more responsible. If I'm in the committee to make the decision, I say, pack your stuff and come back study locally. I should just give the scholarship to someone else rather than waste it on you.

Think outside the box.

April 18, 2005

Blue Monday

Isn't it frustrating when you've actually stocked up the courage to cross the treshold and take the risk, things don't work out as you expect it to be? But I supposed when you've decided to risk you're supposed to not to hope too much. :-) That's life.

I happened to say this to some friends back when I was an absolute optimist, "Life's a one big gamble that you have to deal whether you like it or not". Again it's all about choices. Don't you sometimes feel burdened by the choices that you have to make? Wouldn't it be more peaceful and wonderful if we don't have to grow up? Stay in Neverland and be young and foolish always.

"Things happened for a reason". Yeah, right. Today I have a LOT of questions. Well, most of them have been around for a long time. But never once do I get the answers. More questions, that's for sure.

Today, my favourite yahoo group is closed down by it's moderator. "All good things must come to an end". This is another question. WHY? Why must good things come to an end? Life cycle? Or just a reason made up by "brilliant yet delusional" people to actually make things look/sound right? "End of the road" said the title. Well, too bad. But I supposed it's a matter of time, since there were more nominal members than the active ones. So, God bless.

I may seem to be thinking too much. The curse of being intelligent. I think. :-P And it doesn't make me feel better when I'm right. Most of the times. Because it makes me build up the barrier even higher than before. Donald Trump said "Think like a winner". I say, "Bollocks!".

It hurts to be hurt.

April 13, 2005

an act of faith

can everything be blamed on fate?

i should think not. we are given choices. we are blessed with 'akal'. that should aid us in making the... right decisions. but who's to say what IS right? it might be wrong to us, but correct for others.

in making choices between doing what's right and what makes you happy, which would be yours? because what's right does not necessarily means you're happy. most often than not, you're not happy. well, in the long run you might be happy. same goes with choosing what makes you happy. you might be deliriously dandy now, but drown in abysmal misery in two months time.

i do not know why i'm writing this. i just need to let things out from my chest. thoughts that are trapped inside. hmm.. can thoughts be trapped in the chest? it should be feelings, right? maybe because the thoughts and feelings are 'rojak'ed together...

there are lots of things that i wanna do. and yet i'm forced to admit that i couldn't. at least, i hope, only for now. travelling abroad, for one. :-) yeah.. yeah.. i know most people have the same intentions. but i rejoice by reading blogs. (technology is just beautiful, ain't it?). these lovely people who have the opportunities to be there for whatever reasons (kak teh, you know i meant you.. hehehe..), blog every now and then, and tell us their stories. it's as if experiencing it first hand. and for this i'm really thankful for the internet.

so for now, i'll be contented with what other people are experiencing. maybe one day, i can blog my own. being in foreign land and NOT loving it as much as i thought i would. :-P

for today, just let me retreat to my secluded redoubt. and reflect on my acts yesterday and the day before. and plan what i should do next. hehe.. i think most likely it'll be the same... enjoy your week ahead everyone. every second of it...

April 5, 2005

Saying "No"

How many times in our lives do we tell ourselves to be strong and say "NO"? How many times does this decision is actually a war between what you want and what you should do (or shouldn't do)? How many times do you succumb in defeat to your needs and end up saying... "yes" (very slowly and hush hush)? And how many times should we repeat this... mistake? weakness? stupidity? only to carry the burden later... and regret it?

I have come to terms that in life you most often do not get what you want. I have come to terms that life is meant to be lived fully. And that you should cherish every single second of it. Remember when I said I am a selfish person? Today I found out that I'm not THAT selfish (he he he).

Mostly nowadays, friends tell me, just worry about yourself and how you feel. Think naught of others. (don't take this the wrong way. they meant well. at least for my sake.) I tried. Believe me, I tried my bestest. But I found that I couldn't. There are certain bridges that I would not cross. Eventhough I want to. But I've also learnt that I should trust my instinct. The moment my internal alarm goes off, that means trouble. And trouble means pain. And pain means tears. And tears is something that I do not want to indulge in ever again.

One person would say I think too much. But I guess that's just me. It's a value (or curse?) that has been instilled in me since I know right from wrong. "Kita hidup dalam masyarakat" or "Nanti apa orang kata" and the list goes on. What other people think of us is also important. These days I learnt to... filter, what I want other people's thought of me to count and when not to give a sh err... damn (heh!). Mostly we tend to forgot that what matters is what He thinks of us. We tend to value other people's thoughts of us more. But this shall be another post.

So, today, with heavy heart, I have decided. I am going to say "No". Let me be strong tomorrow to say so.

March 31, 2005

Mr Right at the wrong time

It's an article in The Star. Was forwarded to me. Which is quite true. But then again, if it's not meant to be, then he/she was never Mr/Miss Right from the very beginning, isn't it? Relationship is a mind boggling. You can't live without it. You build this particular ship with everyone you meet. Don't you? But hmm... Mr Right. I don't think he exists.

However, I do believe that there's someone for everyone. It's either now or later. Or much later. Some people rush into things and end up, well... breaking up. A friend asked me, in fact she's been asking this question many, many times. How do you know that the person is The One?

My aunty once told me, if it's the one, it'll happen really fast, you wouldn't even expect it. Sounds like a fairy tale, right? But everyone is telling me to let go of my fantasy. And yet, here it seems as if life is indeed a fairy tale! When the right one comes along, it'll happen. Hmm...

I am a sceptic nowadays. And I am a romantic. I wonder how does that two goes along? How can a sceptic be romantic. Oh.. maybe because a sceptic lives in denial, and the fact remains that she is indeed full of hopes and dreams? I'm not making any sense, am I?

I'm waiting to be swept of my feet. By someone who can take care of me, and yet let me be me. And this will be the only very personal piece I shall be writing. :-D

March 29, 2005

one time in January

I got this on my birthday.

Hi dear,

The rose is a rose,
And was always a rose.
But now the theory goes
That the apple's a rose,
And the pear is, and so's
The plum, I suppose.
The dear only knows
What will next prove a rose.
You, of course, are a rose--
But were always a rose.

Happy Birthday ........... j***

March 24, 2005

A little spiritual today

The Islamic world shaked the other day because of one Amina Wadud. She performed the Friday prayer, leading a congregation of about 100 men and women. The Iqamah was called by a woman, devoid the head scarf.

Now, I wouldn't go into justifying what she did. Right or wrong. Too many people are doing that. Some say she should be shot! I hope Allah SWT will protect her. NOT saying because I agree with what she did (or disagree for that matter).

Anyway, let's talk about the WHY?. WHY did she do it? Because she wanted to show and prove than men and women are equal in Islam, none supercede the other. Wait. I am not trying to promote women liberalism or whatever things certain group are fighting for. I am all for women rights, not because of these movements, but because it has always been there in Islam. There is no need to fight over it. So, WHY does Amina has to prove that men and women are equal in Islam?

Let's just go over the situation in a typical Malay society, shall we? For years and years, ours are the patriachal (I have used this to the fullest eversince I learnt the meaning! I just love the sound of it, if not the meaning...) society. You see, men play an 'important' role, because men have always been the ones who transcribes, translates, interprets, etc the Quran. As such, verses from the Holy Quran has always been interpreted to the likes of the men, to their advantage. Not only that, pieces of Sunnah has been used to favour the men. Women have always been put at the back seat, biting their nails, unsatisfied, feeling unjustice has been done unto them. Which is, quite true in most cases. Divorce cases, when reported by women, were slow in being solved. "Balik rumah, bersabar, doa banyak2" to quote a line... So, women are taken for granted.

Thus, today, learnt women, took their so-called 'rights' and interpreted the Quran to their advantages! What different does that make from before? See the chaos that has been created?

All these could've been avoided, if only people in those days, did not use this beautiful religion for their own. I may not be equipped with the verses form Quran, and the wisdom of Sunnah, but I truly believe that Islam is a just religion. Allah said it is complete. There is nothing wrong with the religion. The wrong is in the people. But, woe is me, I am just a small person in this big propaganda, ran by God-knows-who, my voice is not heard. But that is okay. I am content for who and what I am. And I certainly know I have still long way to go to be a better person. :-)

What I'm saying is, go back to the basics. No need to complicate things until you yourself get confused. In the end everybody is confused, so what the hey?Why do we need to fight? Everyone wants the best. Not one person is truly right. In today's world full of uncertainty. I may be wrong, so I pray for guidance. Islam is already beautiful.

March 19, 2005


Very entertaining, although the ending is quite.. unexpected. And.. unwelcome. You're taken in a roller coaster ride of emotions, of being in love for the first time, of love at first sight. (although i don't really believe this could ever happen, more like.. urrmm.. 'lust' at first sight.)

The mastermind behind the movie Sepet has a LOT to say of life as Malaysians. Of the 'confusion' of tradition. What seems right before is not right anymore in present day. And also the mentality of our people.

I enjoyed every second of the movie. Not going into technicals like the editing and sound quality. The story is interesting. The dialogues were witty and natural. That's what make the movie a hit, even going into its 2nd month, the cinema was full house. And I do not mind a bit eventhough I'm sitting at the 3rd row, from the screen.

Kudos to the team. To Yasmin for the effort of bringing out the reality. To the casts for delivering their parts brilliantly. Sangat terkesan.

I am no professional movie critic, take my comments with doubts and unbelieving aura. But go and watch the movie. And come back and tell me how you feel.

Ciao for now.

March 18, 2005

That thing called L.O.V.E

Yesterday, while driving back from dinner, my friend and I got to this conversation on relationship. Yet again. *wink*

She was actually telling me that someone very close to her is in the process of divorcing. But, everything has to be postponed, because the wife is pregnant. So, from there, we kicked off.
Why do people get married in the first place when they'd be leading separate lives after few years down the road? Why even bother to get married? Waste of time. Waste of energy. All the effort, courting process, dating, arguments, loving, etc. Such a waste, isn't it? And all these was between two people who professed to love each other not so long ago.

Why bother?

I have been asking this question whenever I heard someone is on the verge of separating, or divorcing. And the usual replied that I got would be; "You can't tell the future, you'll never know.." or "Time changes, people change..." or "It's fated. Dah takdir..." and several others.

Why do we always blame fate whenever things go wrong? But take all the credits when things go our way? Shouldn't it be the other way around? I mean, you get great things because you're graced and blessed. But things go wrong, because some where along the line you made the wrong choice.

Ah-nee-ways... I told my friend yesterday, maybe because we're too intelligent for our own good. We analyse things, we tend to think the rights or wrongs too much. We rather be safe, then sorry. That might be one reason why we are not.. urmmm... with husbands just yet. We want things to be black and white, when relationship is one sure ship that is gray. Then my friend countered, "But I want my relationship to be COLOURFUL!"


Even if it's pink for flirty, or blue for romance, or green for envy and red for anger, they are still definite. But gray is somthing uncertain. You can't see clearly. That is why haze is gray! Such is life. Such is relationship. It's uncertain, you cannot put a definite future.

But why? Why must it be that way? To me, if you've decided to be together forever, than work for it to happen. I read somewhere that relationship is a full time job. You have to put effort onto/into it everyday to make it work. To be fulfilled. I agree. Relationship is like a tree, you need to water it, fertelise it, put it out in the sun to make it grow. Most relationships fail because they plant the tree, and they leave it on its own. Taking it for granted. That it will always be there. But it won't, will it? Like a tree, it will wither and die out of neglect.

Duhh... sometimes I feel really old. I speak as if I know everything. But, no, I don't. I guess, I'm just idealistic. And idealists are the ones who always get hurt. So, I guess... it's fated.

ps: I feel like Carry Bradshaw suddenly. ahaha..

March 11, 2005

Provoked beyond reasons...

What happens after that?

Some people, they like to stir the otherwise pleasant pond and wake up the underwater creatures. They give provocative comments or ideas on certain issues and wait for the responses. They don't have to wait long. Soon, comments will start to pour in. Positive or otherwise, or the ones given by the people on the wall. Not humpty dumpty, eh. More often than not, 'arguments' or debates start between the people who gives their comments.

I'm intrigued on the way people respond to this out-of-norm ideas or opinions. Suggestions that are not along the lines that they are used to. 'Arus Perdana', ehem. Some will give their points wisely. Others, the ones who are-not-so-much-of-a-thinker resort to blind, personal attack. Why? It's the nature of human behaviour to being defensive when they know they are losing. When they realise that the other party is holding all the aces.

I have my own provocative ideas and thoughts. But most of the time I choose to keep it to myself rather than making it known. Reason? I hate conflicts. I strive for a peaceful living. Idealistic and naive I know. But just leave me blisfully gliding on my bubbly pink cloud, eh? Seriously. Main reason, people are afraid of hearing the honest truth. They couldn't handle the truth. They want to be left alone picking on the chocolates from the box. Even if they pick the nuts, they still insist they are chocolates. (Note: Forrest Gump's "Life's like a box of a chocolate. You never know when you're going to get the nut." Or something along that line...) They are aware, but they choose to live in denial.

So... to get back to the initial objective of this post. What do you do when you're provoked beyond reasons? Do you retaliate back peacefully (how can retaliation ever be peaceful, eh?)? Or do you resort to personal attacks (calling them 'losers', questioning their faith, etc)? Or do you stoop as low as your opponent by calling them names back? Or do you sit back, grab a cup of coffee, smile and enjoy the product of your stirring? Could YOU handle the truth?