Often, I'd reflect what I did and said in the past. And then I asked myself whether or not I was in the wrong. In fact, I do this everyday. Sometimes the guilt eats me until I could not breathe. I get scared. And I want to apologise. In most cases though, I should not. Apologise. Because I have to think about myself, and it is for my own good. I, however, may apologise for the delivery. Not the content.
I used to put other people feelings more than I put mine first. I would rather be hurt and unsatisfied and sad, than inflict those feelings in others. I was the true matyr. But, then, I realised, I could not go on with my life if I were to put others ahead of me every single second of my breathing life. Others will live, but I will die. Slowly. From the inside. When you're dying inside, your smile will not warm the world, your words are no song to the ears and your touch feel cold to the skin. You're slowly disappearing from the living.
And so, I grew up. Today, I am more selfish. I still think of others, but not to the expense of my feelings and my being. I put myself first. If I cannot flourish, how can I get others to bloom as well? I, myself, need to know the path. Then and only then I can guide the rest.
Some may think I've become harder. I am more a rebel. But I see myself as a fighter, instead of just a contender. I will not be satisfied with second best anymore unless there is no other choice. As long as I am able to make new things happen, I will. So long as I am allowed to choose, I will. No one other than myself should be able to decide on that. Yes, I may seem harsher, but I want things to be good too. Can someone be an idealist and a realist at the same time?
I have my failings. I have my share of mistakes. Tonnes of doubts. And believe me, quite low self esteem. My secret friend said to me, I tend to write brilliant things but speak stupid things. That is quite true. :-) I find it easy to express myself here. I see not the face who're judging me, and even if they do, I do not care. I need more courage, and my secret friend is helping.
Dear secret friend, you are the positive vibes in my life. And I treasure you for that. Even if you should go and never look back, you shall always have that special spot in my life, in my heart. Truth is, none has ever have an absolutely trust and believe that I could make it. But knowing you, I can see the path clearly. And to tell me that you feel that I'm going to make it, makes me feel the same way too. And it is not just a dream anymore. I'm bloody well on the road to it. At the very least, at the beginning of that road. I hope so much that you would always remain by my side for as long as we shall live. You have brought the new meaning of thinking positive and accepting good things that people say about myself without wondering whether or not they are sincere. Thank you so much.
Having said that, at the end of the day, I know I have to rely only on myself. Done is the day I rely and put hope on other people. I have to move on, and make things happen myself. It's good to turn back once in a while, but what's in the past should remain in the past. Today I lay my ghosts to rest, never to wake them up again. Today I shall be stronger than yesterday and look forward to new and greater things. Today, the ghosts will remain memories and I shall smile everytime the thoughts of them come visiting. Today, I shall carve that new path and never look back.
So people, if you're with me on this new road, face your demons, settle the unfinished business, and lay them to rest. Move on and be glad that those demons enrinched our lives and make us who we are today. Be proud that we are brave enough to face that of which we fear most.
"Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace"
Amelia Earhart (1897 - 1937), Courage, 1927
No comments:
Post a Comment