I need an opened door.
March 29, 2010
I'm afraid I am done with the current environment. I have reached the state where "dragging myself over" several times the past month. I fought it back by doing my best to bring positive energy into everything that I do. However, it looks like I am failing. Today I feel the same again. Looks like every week I will face this unexplained emotional mode and it has nothing to do with the absence of The Hubby.
March 26, 2010
March 25, 2010
There are times when I will be flooded by words and sentences. And (in)conveniently, I will not have pen and paper with me or in situation that allows me to type or write them down. There will be phrases after phrases raining down on me.
Sometimes I can hear people's voices actually speaking those words aloud. It's like a virtual/phantom soap opera in my head. I could feel the emotion that comes out from the words. I could hear background music playing.
And when this happens, I would be breathless, my heart beats faster and at the end of it, I would release a long deep breath, as if I am holding it in at the time it happens. And as quickly as those words come to me, they are gone an instance. And I feel utterly depressed. Because somehow I feel those words and voices could be important to me.
In fact, this post is a result of the words flooding my grey matter this morning. Only it sounded more beautiful at that time, and now that I come around and writing it down, some of the words and phrases are lost. It makes me feel sad. How can I retain those beautiful sentences and materialise them?
Too bad I don't play any musical instrument. Because if I do see musical notes in my head, I would be one kick-hat song writer; like someone I know. :-)
What do I do? How can I make it last longer until I can find ways to put it down on paper? If I start to grab the nearest person with a pen and paper, I'd be arrested, wouldn't I? Maybe some harassment suit?
And sometimes, I feel words are leaving me indefinitely. It sounds crazy, I know. I'm reading what I'm writing and I know it sounds weird. But that's how it feels like. Sometimes it's like reaching through a void just to get the right words out and they just slide by me. Playful, playful, naughty words. Making me feel inadequate.
I don't use to be this way. Like I have said many times before, words used to be a steady flow to me. They come, they stay, until I get to let it out. Everytime it's into my blog. I have been writing online for about five years now. All those years. Putting feelings into words.
I suddenly am seeing the err of my ways. Those days, I write what I feel. True enough. The difference with now is that I was writing to please myself. To relief myself off the pressure or sadness or anger or frustration. And maybe because of what I felt, the words stayed and only let go when I wanted to.
These days, I am happy. A more positive life. However, words are leaving me without my being in control. And the reason is because... I become impatient for the next good thing that will come. Instead of basking in the moment and let it swarm me breathless.
Some people say I am one complicated woman. Some say there are a lot of things going on in my head. I guess, both are true because one cannot be without the other. And I tell you a secret, I have strong emotions; what I mean is that my feelings on something that matters are very, very intense. And a lot of things matter to me. Family, friends, work, life, environment. You name it, I can just find a way to tell you how they matter a lot to me.
I need a break. I have to stop here right now. I hit something important but I just cannot put my finger on it. I need to think.
March 24, 2010
My office is just a stone throw from one of those expensive condos in KL. The tenants there are rich local people and expats. They drive big expensive cars with their big expensive sunglasses. I am absolutely positive that they use branded handbags and wallets as well as top notch designer labels on their shirts and dresses.
One would call them those high class, first class people.
Throughout my tenure with the current company, I park my car at a nearby privately managed carpark. They charge me either RM7 on normal days or RM10 if there is even going on at the Convention Centre. So, yeah, I pass by this particular expensive condo everyday, morning and evening.
You notice from the picture (taken from the site shown) there is a pavement in the middle of the road that separates the opposite traffic and creating sort of a three-branch junction. There is no U-turn sign anywhere and if you're coming out from the expensive condo, you have to turn left.
What I have observed these past couple of years are these:
- Big expensive cars making U-turn to go into the condo from the right-hand side of the road
- Big expensive cars turning left to get out from the condo, either crossing the pavement or just using a tidal wave action
The pavement at some parts is broken to pieces. Even when the DBKL is doing some gardening work on the plants (located in the middle of the pavement) they park their lorry on the pavement.
So what has got this to say about Malaysia? If our own DBKL is performing an act which is totally wrong, how can we expect those "first class people" living in the expensive condo to observe the correct traffic rule? Even the European expats who must be following strict rules back in their home country find no problem on driving on the pavement.
What I am trying to say is that, if our own people is doing the wrong things and not taking the action to preserve our own facilities and environment, not taking good care of them, how can we expect outsiders to do the same?
I love my country, I love this town I'm living in. Frankly, as much as I like walking on Paris streets or Dam Square of Amsterdam or the cleanliness of Singapore (that pretty much cover my international destinations... har har har) I still prefer to be here, in Kuala Lumpur. It pains me to see these people who have no respect towards the beauty of the city.
I have to say, everytime I come across these first class people doing what I listed above, I don't smile if our eyes meet. What makes me more upset is when they look as if they have every right to do what they are doing.
Where is the proper authority on this? Why are they not doing anything to stop the misbehaving conduct? And let's not start about the illegal parking in front of the office building. These big expensive cars parked there sometimes with the driver waiting inside. Haih...
March 23, 2010
I am feeling a little better today. I did not receive any suggestion that could be put to use or things that I have not done before. BUT I did something yesterday that put a smile on my face. Before I explained what I did, let me just reiterate the events that trailed towards the activity.
I left the office earlier than usual because I needed to make payment to AmIslamic Bank. Funny enough, we could not still deposit money to AmIslamic Bank accounts using the cash deposit machine. Relatively, if you cannot use the machine to bank-in the money, you could not use fund transfer option via internet banking to do the same. This is all the computer stuff behind it where the mapping is not there yet. As such, I needed to go to the counter to perform the transaction.
When I reached the branch office, I was told that the system was down and they do not know yet when it will be up again. But the officer at the counter was helpful where she suggested to do a manual deposit and she will key it in the system when it comes back up. I agreed and not ten seconds later was told that the system is back up! Wonderful.
Why do I insist on telling this piece of event? I used to be AmBank employer until eight years ago. :-) And I was there when the whole merging thing was done. I remembered how it affected my paycheck and bonus. Ha ha ha... That's another story, for another day. I just hope they get to mapping the AmIslamic account soon for the transfer. I mean, once you're able to the transaction at the counter, it should just be the next logical step to bring it to the deposit machine AND internet banking, right?
So, after that, I just headed straight to Giant and bought some baking items! Yes people, I finally get to use my breadmaker!! I posted a blog post not "too" long ago about it. And yesterday, I made bread! Well, I threw all the ingredients in and the machine did the rest. after about 3 hours (which was filled up with Melinda and Jim) the bread was ready. For starters, I used the Basic Bread Program 1. Very easy; just dump in the items one by one as it's listed in the recipe book, choose the size and crust, press "Start" and let the machine do its thing.
In the process
The end product!
The Kenwood BM450 has a delay timer. Which means, the next time I can set it up at midnight, and wake up in the morning with freshly baked bread! Isn't that just wonderful? Having hot bread as if you were in the hotel! He he he... very, very interesting. I just hope that I will continue making use of the machine! Don't want it to be a white elephant. He he he...
The machine can also make dough; for pizza and pastries, as well as cooking jam! It's like a whole bakery in one machine! Now, if I could just get the contractor to fix the power socket at the wet kitchen, I will be a happily-domesticated-homely-corporate-climber. How's that sound?
In the box, the breadmaker comes with its own measuring tumbler and measuring spoon. So, you don't have to go and buy those items separately. All-in-one, remember? The touch buttons are so intuitive, you don't have to put pressure on it at all. Just touch your finger on it as if applying your eye cream. Seriously, I kid you not. Another thing I love most about this machine is its slick design. It looks so modern and simple and elegant. The platinum colour goes well with any type of kitchen even the most traditional one!
So, my next project? I think I'll try to make the ginger bread or maybe banana bread-cake. And maybe a jar of jam? Who knows? Anything is possible!
March 22, 2010
When Mak went to Mecca for her pilgrimage, Abah stayed behind because of his health. That was the longest separation the two had to went through, as far as I remember.
It was not an unpleasant period; just different. Abah was short tempered and moody almost all the time. He seemed a bit lost. The day Mak was to arrive back in KL, he wanted to be at the airport as early as possible. In fact, he left the house earlier than everyone else, one of my brothers accompanied him.
I could not understand at that time why he was behaving the way he did. But I do now. I found myself to submit to the conclusion that I AM my father's daughter after all. I am behaving the way he did. Almost exactly. There's a saying that goes something like this: "like losing a limb". It's a state where a person is not behaving like him/herself because part of him/her is missing.
Last weekend, I had a bowl of ice-cream; four scoops with whipped cream, chocolate sauce and sprinkle. I thought that it will increase my low endorphine state. I was wrong. It did not. Watching back-to-back-to-back-to-back episodes of Ghost Whisperer did nothing. Normally looking at the relationship of Melinda and Jim just make my heart warm and blossom in the most strange delightful way. It just made me feel worse because I miss my "Jim" a whole lot more!
A little chat with Momster revealed that she feels exactly the same when her hubby is not around. Although she has her gorgeous son to fill up the emptiness.
I need suggestion people! I need constructive opinion on how to get out of this rut! Because at this moment, I just want to stay at home and be anti-social.
March 19, 2010
Counting the days that he is away is not fun. Counting the days that he is coming back is no funner. Seriously.
I accidentally read my blog post sometime in 2005. It was before I met CapalPerak. Things were pretty dark back then. I was, as CapalPerak put it, "bitter and emo" in almost all my blog posts. But one thing for sure, my writings were more entertaining. They were written straight from the heart and definitely without censure. Har har har...
This evening, there will be a movie night in Alliance Francais. Although I have accepted the invitation, I do not know yet whether I'm going. Reason being, I feel un-fun. These days I prefer to be at home, curled in front of the idiot box watching movies or my favourite series, or just lying in bed; reading.
My last gym session was on Tuesday after two, maybe three weeks of absence. My work is taking me nowhere except to Putrajaya; let me tell you being in a freezing server room for 8 hours is a definite mis-fun activity.
I know I should stop lamenting and start doing something about this. But I feel a certain responsibility cloth around my shoulder that I do not have the heart to leave now. Maybe that's the reason why there are no news from certain sources.
Hmmm... Truly I believe that I have a charmed life. It's just not the time yet. And like finding my soulmate, getting my soulwork will definitely come at the right time.
I believe and I am grateful!
By the way, I am still emo. A Happy Emo. :-p
March 12, 2010
Maybe women ARE supposed to whine. Maybe we’re just built that way. We are also built to cling and be dependant on our spouses. Now, don’t get your neck strain and your blood boiling, I’m just saying that these are the womanly antics that maybe created to complement those testosterone characteristics.
We know that men and women are not build the same. We know we are different in so many ways. That is why books like Mars and Venus genres are selling like hot cakes! That is why we read articles to help we understand our partners. Therefore it just follows the logics that we are built in certain ways to complement the other gender.
However independent and resourceful a woman is, she always have the small voice telling her she’s missing something. I can testify this myself. I was on my own for quite some time. And yes, I can get myself things and go anywhere, but I always longed for someone to share the things and places with.
I was happy on my own, minding myself. But I did wonder how it would feel to have someone next to me and be happy together. I believe some of my friends would be woman enough to admit the same thing.
Men, they don’t see relationships the way women do. It is very straight to the point for them. That is why, when women long for special moments to be shared together, men have difficulty to understand the importance. Saying “I miss you” once in one phone call thousand miles away is enough to them. But for women, repetition makes it more meaningful. I think I repeat it 10 times in the space of five minutes. That’s twice a minute! And wayyyyyyy too much for a man to handle. I definitely sounded clingy. But since I’m already the lawful wedded wife, The Hubby just chuckled and gave the obligatory reply; “Miss you too”.
And truth be told, when I woke up one morning, found an SMS from him that said; “I miss my wife”, it made my day so much better. Not because I felt happy he missed me, just that, I was happy he missed me. Didn’t get that? Well, it was not because he’s miserable that I am happy, it’s just because when he said it, I truly believe that he missed me. It made my heart skipped a bit, my breath a little faster. In a good way. There was a warm glow spreading inside of me.
We, the modern women, we do our best to “behave” as expected by the modern society. Not clingy, being independent, speaking all our thoughts out loud, etc. And mostly because some men think that clingy women are not sexy. Tell me then, why do 50-year-old men are dating 20-year-olds? It’s because these young blood are clingy and dependant on them. They make the older men feel more manly and powerful. But when their 50-year-old wives do the same, those poor ladies become the reason they stray.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, those characteristics that we try to curb are the very essence that make us women. Obviously, used excessively, they become thorns on the backside, so utilise sparingly. In fact, we should not be embarrassed about being “womanly”. After all, in the old days where relationships were as strong as the China Wall, the dependencies were expected.
Just because we are our own women, that does not mean we have to be manly. And maybe in this day and age, women needs to be a little more clingy so real men can materialise once more.
March 5, 2010
Everyone has their purpose in life. Each one of us has a calling. Be it a housewife or househusband, a corporate ladder climber, a humanitarian, a volunteer, an IT specialist, an entertainer; and the list goes on.
I have been asking this question to myself for the past years, but yet to give an answer. Maybe because I ask it once, but never really ponder on it, really take time to be true to it. And maybe because of that I have not the answer yet.
I truly believe that whatever the answer to this question, it should make the one asking, truly blissfully happy. And the moment the path is known, this person is contented. And nothing else in this world will alter that.
I keep on envisioning myself in that corner office with awesome view. Very old-school of me. However, I also envision myself being able to follow my other half wherever his job or his calling is taking him. I see myself being mobile and able to work from any corner of God's world. I don't see myself being tied down to one area and my life restricted by blocks.
I may have to go back as far as twenty to twenty-five years to have the answer. And if I really, really want to be true to myself; that's what I have to do.
Well, we shall see. But I certainly see myself with MiniPerper* everywhere I go. So, maybe, that IS a sign.
*MiniPerper is Inspiron Mini 1012 that I got myself last weekend.
March 1, 2010
Lately I find myself buying books, and piling them up, searching for time to finish them. It's sad, and I vow to always have time for my readings. At this moment, these are supposed to be my January/February reads. That means they should have been completed, yesterday.
- The Secret by Rhonda Byrne
- Talk to the Snail - 10 Commandments to Understanding the French by Stephen Clarke
- Women, Work and the Art of Savoir Faire by Mireille Guiliano
- Let Us Be Muslims by Sayyid Abul Ala Mawdudi
So, as you can see, I have work cut out for me. It's not fair why I cannot finish a book in a month, when I used to be able to do it within a couple of days. I shall not blame it on the change of status because that is not a reason. I should make time to read.