I don't exactly know how to put what's in my mind now into words... Hmm...

Isn't it ironic that some people would go quiet on you for some time, and materialise suddenly one day. I may have done this myself, that is why I'm having people doing this to me. Feeling a little sad. But then, hey... I'm in Europe. And all the heart aches are back there in KL. Shouldn't be thinking about them until I get back, should I?

Life is all about compartmentalising, I guess. You put some aspect of our life in drawer A, the rest in the drawer B. You might have some under other different drawers. Some would say, that is not living life fully. But I would say, it's a matter of maintaining sanity. Don't you think so?

Life is beautiful until you make it ugly. It's easy until you go down the difficult road. And why do we have to make choices that we know will actually leave us scarred in the end, anyway? What's the point? To get the experience? To enjoy it while it last? I am babbling vaguely here, for I couldn't possibly say everything in my mind here. And everything that's going on in my life, right? A blog still needs some filtering and sensoring. :-)

Sometimes when I think back all the things that I chose to do, and the things that I'm doing, I wonder why am I such a blocked head. Bukan salah ibu mengandung. The choices were made consciously, and if there's anyone to blame, it's me. I always say that people always have choices. It's up to us to choose which benefit us most. Long term. Short term.

I have a problem of letting go. And I akways have this secret hope that everything will turn out as I hope it will. Even knowingly it might not. But I still want to.

I will say this though, I was made happy. All these while. Granted, the happiness is borrowed. But I intend to use it fully. And yes, I still hope that some how or rather, one day, it can be mine fully. But then again, if it doesn't then I will let it go. And hope the Big Guy up there, give me the strength to untie the knot and let it sail away.

Don't get me wrong, there are no tears in my eyes. This is a realisation. An acceptance. Of foolishness. Of fate. Of knowledge. Of realism.