September 21, 2005

I don't exactly know how to put what's in my mind now into words... Hmm...

Isn't it ironic that some people would go quiet on you for some time, and materialise suddenly one day. I may have done this myself, that is why I'm having people doing this to me. Feeling a little sad. But then, hey... I'm in Europe. And all the heart aches are back there in KL. Shouldn't be thinking about them until I get back, should I?

Life is all about compartmentalising, I guess. You put some aspect of our life in drawer A, the rest in the drawer B. You might have some under other different drawers. Some would say, that is not living life fully. But I would say, it's a matter of maintaining sanity. Don't you think so?

Life is beautiful until you make it ugly. It's easy until you go down the difficult road. And why do we have to make choices that we know will actually leave us scarred in the end, anyway? What's the point? To get the experience? To enjoy it while it last? I am babbling vaguely here, for I couldn't possibly say everything in my mind here. And everything that's going on in my life, right? A blog still needs some filtering and sensoring. :-)

Sometimes when I think back all the things that I chose to do, and the things that I'm doing, I wonder why am I such a blocked head. Bukan salah ibu mengandung. The choices were made consciously, and if there's anyone to blame, it's me. I always say that people always have choices. It's up to us to choose which benefit us most. Long term. Short term.

I have a problem of letting go. And I akways have this secret hope that everything will turn out as I hope it will. Even knowingly it might not. But I still want to.

I will say this though, I was made happy. All these while. Granted, the happiness is borrowed. But I intend to use it fully. And yes, I still hope that some how or rather, one day, it can be mine fully. But then again, if it doesn't then I will let it go. And hope the Big Guy up there, give me the strength to untie the knot and let it sail away.

Don't get me wrong, there are no tears in my eyes. This is a realisation. An acceptance. Of foolishness. Of fate. Of knowledge. Of realism.

September 6, 2005

Go on... commit suicide...

... but don't be a murderer.

Now, I think, I have established before that I hate smoke. Especially, ciggarate smoke. We have also long establish that smoking not only destroy the smoker's body, but dangerous for the people around them also. The second-hand smokers. More dangerous in fact.

I won't go into statistics, because it has been widely publicised. I just cannot understand why smokers can be so rude. Everywhere nowadays you see people smoking, even under the non-smoking sign. And I thought smoking is banned in restaurants? Why do I see people puffing away like they have exclusive rights? Seriously, it gives me the shakes seeing people smoking.

Most inconsiderate.

I see no reason why people should take up smoking. What is so cool about smoking, anyway? And this bull dunk about cannot quit. Come on! And all these campaigns that wasting more money and time. I see more teenagers and women smoking nowadays. Girls, do you think smoking is the 'in' thing? Gosh, have you any idea what it does to your skin, your voice, your teeth, your nails. Oh... probably you want to look older, so that you can be admitted to those night clubs, eh?

Smokers are stupid.

I am not going to apologise for this post. Or the hard tone of it. If smokers have no sense of remorse that they are poisoning people around them, why should I be afraid of saying things that I feel about them? You know, I think non-smokers are making the path easier for the smokers to act as if they have the control. Because we never go up to them and say that their puffing disturb us. We never voice out our hatred of smoke.

Besides, smokers are just a bunch of legalised drug addicts.

There is nothing good about smoking. Just a stupid reason to burn money. If they can increase the fuel price, the car price, I see no reason why they shouldn't increase the price for tobacco and it's brothers and sisters.

Let's do this, if the next time you see someone you know (let's start with the people that will at least be embarassed...) smokes where obviously there are non-smokers around, let's tell them...

"I don't mind you committing suicide, but don't be a murderer in the process..."

A new hope

Yesterday, I was... reprimanded by Secret Friend. Secret Friend said from the start of our conversation I sounded so negative. There was nothing positive when I was at work, I was always saying that I'm lazy, sleepy, bored, etc. In short, Secret Friend was bored with my negative vibes.

So much for being positive and exude positivity, huh? Like, duhh...

On a more positive note, even when Secret Friend was 'blabbering' away, I know Secret Friend was right. In fact, right on target. It's pathetic when you have to blame your upbringing, but I know for sure part of who I am today is because of the way I was brought up. Don't get me wrong, my parents are wonderful people. They just have a set of beliefs that they are not willing to compromise. And I, being me, have my own set of beliefs, that a little different from theirs. I will not go into details, suffice to say, there are frictions at times and those sparks generates negative waves and tend to submerge me most of the times, making me one with it.

Anyway, that is why I am doing my best to be positive. And that is why it takes a lot of effort. It's altering my ready-made mindset to a new paradigm. Not easy. When something happen, I tend to have initial feelings about it, I have to balance it on an imaginary scale, ponder upon it, and if the initial feelings were baseless, in other words leaning to negative side of the situation, I will do my best to steer it to the positive side.

I admit, my thoughts are complicated at times. I can be complicated at times. But, I believe I have grown so much these past few years. I have become more... free in the way I think. I am simpler than I was before. Those days, I can be hyper sensitive. Now, I am more relaxed and laid back. I think that's good. I tend to take things as it comes. The past does creep on me at times, I wallow in them for a while, and then I let it go. If it visits me again in future, I'll just do the same thing.

Secret Friend said things will be good for me after this. Everything that I dream before will be a reality. Secret Friend said it might be exaggerating, but slowly things will happen. Although I have that tiny feeling that it might not happen, the bigger me realise it's true. Things are happening for me, for the better. And everytime I think about it, I take a deep breath and everything feels so right. So good. And I'm feeling good.

These are some of the things that I want to do, in the next 6 months. Let's see if they materialise...

Need to lose the jiggly wiggly part of me. Ergo, I'll sign up for gym membership.
I need to do something with my hair. Probably have it straighten. Ergo, salon trip.
I miss home cooked meal. Ergo, once a week, I'll cook at home.
The closet needs new style and colours. Ergo, shopping spree.
I've been neglecting my dainty feet. Ergo, pedicure treat.
Hmm... not bad. I'm sure there are others. But those five are the ones that I can pick from the top of my head. Now, all I need from you bloggies, MOTIVATION and ENCOURAGEMENT.

Check up on me, will you? Hehehe