May 24, 2005

Will of Stone

(WARNING: the title might not reflect the post)

God is Almighty. Everything that happens, is His will.

I use to have a LOT of personal opinion on a LOT of things. I rather not share what are those. But suffice to say that if once I thought things will always be round, I found out it can always change to be a cube. I found out life moves, values change. Things that were right yesterday may not be necessarily so today. I found out, I have changed.

When I was in school, life was practically straight forward. Get good grades. Go up the stage every year to receive awards. Be a prefect. Involve in story telling, writing and poetry. Recite the Holy Quran on religious celebrations. And so forth.

When I turned 17, life took a diagonal turn for me, and move forward again. However, from there on, the path was not that straight anymore. I do not think the choice I made back then was wrong. It was just another logical step, or so I thought, in my then straight path. But, God's power is not to be questioned.

I believe that whatever happens in our lives, though it's by our own design, because of the choices that we made and make, always, always, there is a good side out of it. Some would say the choices that you made were wrong, but if they look closely, it could actually meant you turned out to be a better person than before. Tears might be shed. Laughter might be surpressed. But whatever happens, it happened for reasons. And most of the time, you need not seek what the reasons are. You've just got to accept it.

Duhhh.. have I blogged about this before? Because I have this deja-vu feeling that I've uttered these words before. Sometimes when you do self-reflecting you tend to repeat that same ol' stories without realising it. I do realise that whenever I'm in this muhasabah mode, I tend to talk a LOT about choices. Because I feel, it all drills down to that, at the end of the day.

Having said that, I am reflecting while driving this afternoon. Back then I said a lot of things that I wouldn't do. But I realised today that in fact, I did some of them already, or am doing them. Thus, whenever this realisation came bashing my grey substance, I decide that from now on, keep my mouth shut, I shall. Silence paints a thousand word. (Yes, I change that well known phrase...)

In truth, I rarely speak my mind. For when I speak, it can be sharper than a thousand sword. Some people would not be able to handle it. And I believe, I might have lost few friends because of this nature. But then again, if they could not handle it, they might as well not be friends of mine. For if I can bear with their stupidity, shrewdness and impossibility, why shouldn't they do the same for me?

Alas, nothing is as simple as that. We say that we should treat people the way we want to be treated. In reality, this cannot happen at all. We expect too much from other people, but we give ever so little, if we indeed give. Ergo, we are not satisfied when people give nothing to us.

I watched Matrix Reloaded last night on Astro. Missed the first half an hour. When I watch it years back, I did not actually get what the Architect was telling Neo. Last night, I did. He was talking about... CHOICES. How ironic. The choices we make determine our future.

It is true that whatever happens because of God's will. But it is also true that whatever happens because we will it to happen. We choose it to happen.

Gosh, I'm getting bored talking about this. So must be you. Ha ha ha... Probably it's the rain. Probably it's the cold. Probably I'm getting old. And people say you get wiser as you get older. I found that to be so untrue. You can be 12 years old, but already an adult or a 45-year-old and still watching SpongeBob Squarepants.

Go figure.

May 23, 2005

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

May 20, 2005

Things I learnt last night

Country with the tastiest desserts:
German (which reputedly with the best beer)

Place with vast collection of arts:
Florence, Italy @ Uffizzi Musuem

'Uffizzi' means office.

It is in Italian's old tounge.

Country with invaluable historical artifacts:

Young calf meat (slaughtered before it stops weaning):

The art of wine drinking:
You hold the stem of the wine glass because you don't want your body temperature affecting the wine's.
You swirl the liquid in the glass to get it oxidised.
You smell the wine before you sip to get the scent.
You sip it to savour the taste while the scent still lingers.

Bizarre fact:
Most people, when asked, why they want to visit certain places, could not give reasons. If they do give one, it's vague.

Country with most castles:

In France:
The old castle costs lesser than the apartments.

In Italy:
It costs a BOMB to buy an apartment. Because, there are hidden arts on the ceiling... And people who bought a basement of a building to turn it into home, can be a zillionaire in no time. Because, there are hidden arts on the ceiling...

In Florence:
Everywhere is art. Every corner. Each building.


All in one dinner sitting. Hmm... I couldn't seem to remember anything else. So... will add more, should it come back to me.

I am actually having blogger's block. Couldn't think of anything to write. Should I ask someone to interview me? He he he...

May 18, 2005

Thoughts before going home

It has been a busy day. So much so that my status for the messenger read "Fainted. Do NOT revive me". But then again it has been busy period for me for the past one month. Reason: Taking over task. And believe me, it's the pain in the back, and everywhere else. Am just so lucky my brain did not give out, and just shut down.

No one likes to take over unfinished task from other people. Because it would mean you got to be answerable to what's going on. All the "solved" error log starting to coming back, two by two. On top of that some basic stuff was not complete. Heh! I can go on and on about work, but I rather not. However frustrated I am, it's still, what it is, WORK. And there is no two way about it, like it or not, it has to be done. So, snap.

My housemate, SS, sent me an email this morning, about hmm... the 'situation' between the boyfriend and she. She said something about the reason why she do not want to be in a reationship is because the partner will get hypersensitive on nitty gritty stuff and not understanding her feelings. I agreed. He he he. True wattt...

My advice to her, was something along this line... communicate what she wants and expects. Reason being men do not have the capacity to think more than what women tell/show them. Coz they got no intuition to speak off, as such, they suck in guessing and reading what we want. Everything has to be crystal clear for them.

I always wonder how most of the marriages in yesteryears can last forever. I do not think there was much communication those days. I mean, it was more like, Husband tell, wife do. Or... was it not? These days, we're more... exposed, as such expectations are different and varies. Communication is the most important thing to get the message across. If you want to get more technically scientific, I think there was a research done which concluded, people with the same brain wave or something like that, get along better.

But, I digress. It takes two to tango. So, if one person gets annoyed, it must be the other person did something not quite right. Or probably the annoyed one is just with imbalanced hormone for the day. Thus, making the brain wave a little bit distorted and couldn't be matched with the spouse.

Coming back to reality, there is no easy way in a relationship. There will always be questions, doubts, disagreements and whatever else negativity you can name. It's not a fairy tale however much we want it to be. Both parties have to acknowledge each other, and think about the other person to make it work. It shouldn't be one sided.

We always say it takes a lifetime to know someone. And sometimes, a lifetime is still not enough. But if that is so, then how can it be? You've got one shot at life, and then... capoot. We got to make the best of what we have, it couldn't be anything 'simpler' than that. Life itself is never simple. If it is, we wouldn't be unique and there wouldn't be conflict.

Sometimes, you do not need to understand that person, but just accept that's just the way they are. And remember that probably that was why you were in the relationship in the first place. Some things are meant to stay they are as they were before. They were not meant to be changed. Because, maybe, if they do change, it will never be the same, and it losts its beauty. Thus, acceptance is another important thing in a relationship.

And sometimes, letting go is not the solution. Sometimes, it is. We've just got to decide which option we can go on living with. Or without. Without regrets.

"I've tried to go on like I've never knew you
I'm awake when my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is Incomplete..."

May 10, 2005

On Moving on

I feel for Jennifer Aniston. Damn you Brad Pitt (aaahhh... my heart goes pitty pat remembering him in Meet Joe Black)!!

Have you ever pause and reflect, how fast men can move on? Or is it because they have moved on long before the woman let go that makes it look so easy on them? Lunch hour today, I was at the newstand. I saw this urrmm.. tabloid mag, a picture of a broken hearted Jen, and a trio playing at the beach namely Mr Pitt, Miss Jollie and her kid were at the front page.

Women, being the emotional creature that we are tend to hold on things longer than we're supposed to. I think. Is this a weakness or a strength? It can be both. I think. For it being the strength thus marriages and relationships last for so long. Or until death do us part. Don't believe me? Try asking any wives how many silent tears they shed alone. For it to be a weakness, that's make us humans.

It is a sad situation always in a relationship, when men can move on as if nothing happened, and the women are left to pick up the pieces. And not once being given the answer to the question 'why'. Oh.. do note that this is a generic post. It does not refer to anyone, or anything. I was just... reflecting. And thinking of Jen.

If you see a woman, who is able to move on as if nothing affect her, she's pretending. I have a friend who seem to be strong on the outside, but she's actually fragile in the inside. It's a defense mechanism. People around might say that I look happy today for I was smiling and laughing, but no one can know the storm brewing inside. Appearing strong is a way for us not wanting to get hurt again.

This post is bias, yes. For I am a woman. And I admit, I'm an emotional creature. Far from hating it or feel sorry because of it, I'm happy being one emotional woman creature. It's part of me. It's who I am. And it's what makes me a woman.

So, Jen, fret not with what happened. You can be sad. Give yourself time to heal and move on. But move on you will. And I believe there's always that person out there, named Man, who can actually appreciate the emotional creature that is in us. I am just a sucker for fairytales and happy endings. I'm just naive that way. Ask not for me to change.If magic doesn't happen in real life, then, there is no life.

Is it time to move on, then?

May 6, 2005

The thing speaks for itself

Some things are meant to be unspoken. And not to be questioned. There is a saying that silence is golden, and curiosity kills the cat.

What happens when we think too much? Assume too much? Believe too much? We have become dependent. In our quest to be different, strive for balance, to be independent and whatever else, we almost always will end up being dependent. Why did we need independence in the first place then?

Does wanting to be independent is actually a juvenille antics? That little kid in us screaming to be noticed? Thus we break all the rules, devil may care and do things our way. Our generation I believe, is challenged unlike the people before us. Those days, things were simpler. I have no energy to go and make apple with apple comparison. Taking too much time.

Hmm.. time. That 24 hours in a day that's never enough. You always wish you have more time to do that and go there.

Ok... let's take a little example. Remember when we were in school. We always need to have pencil colours. Luna pencil colours. 12 different colours to choose from. I was happy. Then one day, a classmate brought her new pencil colour. Wow! She has more colours than I did! She has 24! A month later, another classmate got a new set of pencil colour. This time around it's 32! And so it went until one classmate brought the biggest pencil colour set. I think it was 52 colours! And that time, I just brought in my new set, 24 colours. And I got it as a present. A set that I lost barely a month after that. Huwaaaaaaaa... Those days, it's who has the latest paper doll, latest colouring book, most impressive pencil box with multi compartments, colourful, shapeful pencil erasers.

These days, school kids are using handphones. More advanced than the one I am using. Hmmm.. The other day my aunty was talking about his son. I think he is in Form 2. He just bought a new handphone. He has two different numbers. Reason, his friends were saying that they are not calling him because his previous number is under a different mobile provider than theirs. So it costs more to call him. Now, his parents are paying more because his new number cannot be included under the favourite list. Peer pressure. So, he has two handphones for two different numbers, one for the family. One for friends.

My first handphone was when I was in my final year in the uni. But I could not beat my dad. He got his first handphone a year before he retired. And it was given to him. Last month, he got a brand new one from his children as a birthday present. My brother told him, "Sekarang, abah nyer handphone yg paling advanced sekali dalam rumah ni..". Hehehe.. Emak said he was so excited getting it, he slept late two nights straight!

Now... what was it about facing different challengers than our forefathers? Peer pressures are different. Imagine colourful Luna pencil colours vs handphones. Of course.. in the span of almost 20 years. Gosh.. I feel old. Hahahaha....

Puzzled as I am to the effect of technology on our culture, I don't oppose to changes. I embrace them. BUT I sure hope the values that we have in our lives stay the same. You know, basic things like family connection, friendships, the simple pleasure of watching a birdy fly for the first time, and the awe that we feel when we see flowers blooming. I'm being sentimental. Puzzled maybe the wrong word to use. But for lack of anything better for the moment, it serves the purpose.

I may seem to be carefree. Almost always doing things without thinking. Rebellious. But deep down inside, there are things I hold dearly and would not want its purity lost eaten by the hands of time. Some things are meant to stay the same.

The thing speaks for itself.