April 24, 2005

Kenapa perlu diam?

Cuba bayangkan satu keadaan berkonflik.

Diam itu perlu untuk mencari penyelesaian. Diam itu perlu untuk menjernihkan keadaan. Diam itu perlu untuk membuang rasa gundah. Diam itu perlu supaya fikiran menjadi lapang, dada menjadi tenang dan keputusan yang bakal dibuat menjadi senang. Diam.

Lantas, setelah diam, dapatkah penyelesaian dan keputusan diterima? Atau dalam diam-diam kita tertidur?

April 22, 2005

Penangan Cik Siti

It's 10.19am on a bright Friday. Most of my colleagues are on leave today. The office is quiet. Good thing? Maybe. Summore, it's Friday wattt... Tomorrow's the weekend.

When I came in this morning, as usual I would open me email, and read me emails. One of it left me thinking. It's a forwarded email by the way. Someone who's living in northern part of the UK is blowing of his/her frustration on Cik Siti's concert in Albert Hall the other day. Well.. not exactly on the concert itself, but the selling of the tickets. This person, I presume he/she is a student, bought the ticket coz he/she is one of Cik Siti's diehard fans so he/she wants to watch her perform. First frustration, the ticket is expensive. From the way he/she wrote the email, apparently it's too expensive for him/her and not only he/she has to pay quite a sum for the ticket, he/she had to pay around 110 punds for the train ticket plus one night stay in London. Next he/she vented about the ticket price being lowered down after he/she already purchased it cause otherwise he/she could've gotten a better seat with the amount that he/she paid. Then, he/she blew the top because apparently shortly before the concert, the tickets were given freely to Malaysian's students which included his/her sister who's studying in London. Oh, he/she also said something about the promotion was only being done in London.

Now, I am not writing about the concert itself. Was not there, wouldn't know zit about the ticket selling/giving, much less about the promotions done. What I want to talk about is this person who wrote the email, presumably the email is authentic. It was undersigned "Peminat Siti di County Tyne and Wear".

You're a student. Going on and on about the almost-not-there scholarship and how you can't afford to stay in London for a week and how the ticket price should be lowered from the very beginning do not alter the fact that you're a student. The scholarship was given to you to STUDY. If there's left over for you to enjoy yourself, that's lucky. Well, you're lucky enough to be there to study at the first place. The scholarship is for your pocket money and tuition fee. So, if you don't have enough left to watch you beloved song bird performing, that's no one else's fault.

I do not understand the mentality of some people. Someone wanted to borrow money from me once because this someone had not got enough to follow someone's friends to Janda Baik to play paintball. Can you believe that? I still could not comprehend even though it happened years back. I am not on friendly terms with this someone anymore, not because this i-need-money-for-paintball-game-so-could-you-lend-me-some situation but from a different matter altogether.

So you see, my point is, if you cannot afford it and it's not life threatening and something you can live without, why bother in the first place? You could always go and listen to Cik Siti sometime later when you've earned your own money (I'm sure she'll still be around and peforming).

To avoid sounding like a hypocrite, I confess, I do fall victim sometimes for the wants instead of need. Keperluan vs Kehendak. (I suddenly remembered one of the sub-topics for Kemahiran Hidup subject back in secondary school.) But it has always been for stupid little things and not something that'll alter my living condition. So if I was given a choice between "ikat perut untuk beberapa minggu" (quoted from the email) to spend RM1300 for the whole concert thingy and just reading about it in Kak Teh's blog, I'll choose the latter, thank you very much. Ok, so, I'm not a huge fan of Cik Siti, but this is a metaphore if you're willing to open up your mind...

Maybe it's time for us to change our paradigm. Ini belajar tinggi-tinggi pi obersi tapi pemikiran masih di takuk lama. Macam mana nak maju? Not to mention you're going there with DUIT RAKYAT. Grow up. Be more responsible. If I'm in the committee to make the decision, I say, pack your stuff and come back study locally. I should just give the scholarship to someone else rather than waste it on you.

Think outside the box.

April 18, 2005

Blue Monday

Isn't it frustrating when you've actually stocked up the courage to cross the treshold and take the risk, things don't work out as you expect it to be? But I supposed when you've decided to risk you're supposed to not to hope too much. :-) That's life.

I happened to say this to some friends back when I was an absolute optimist, "Life's a one big gamble that you have to deal whether you like it or not". Again it's all about choices. Don't you sometimes feel burdened by the choices that you have to make? Wouldn't it be more peaceful and wonderful if we don't have to grow up? Stay in Neverland and be young and foolish always.

"Things happened for a reason". Yeah, right. Today I have a LOT of questions. Well, most of them have been around for a long time. But never once do I get the answers. More questions, that's for sure.

Today, my favourite yahoo group is closed down by it's moderator. "All good things must come to an end". This is another question. WHY? Why must good things come to an end? Life cycle? Or just a reason made up by "brilliant yet delusional" people to actually make things look/sound right? "End of the road" said the title. Well, too bad. But I supposed it's a matter of time, since there were more nominal members than the active ones. So, God bless.

I may seem to be thinking too much. The curse of being intelligent. I think. :-P And it doesn't make me feel better when I'm right. Most of the times. Because it makes me build up the barrier even higher than before. Donald Trump said "Think like a winner". I say, "Bollocks!".

It hurts to be hurt.

April 13, 2005

an act of faith

can everything be blamed on fate?

i should think not. we are given choices. we are blessed with 'akal'. that should aid us in making the... right decisions. but who's to say what IS right? it might be wrong to us, but correct for others.

in making choices between doing what's right and what makes you happy, which would be yours? because what's right does not necessarily means you're happy. most often than not, you're not happy. well, in the long run you might be happy. same goes with choosing what makes you happy. you might be deliriously dandy now, but drown in abysmal misery in two months time.

i do not know why i'm writing this. i just need to let things out from my chest. thoughts that are trapped inside. hmm.. can thoughts be trapped in the chest? it should be feelings, right? maybe because the thoughts and feelings are 'rojak'ed together...

there are lots of things that i wanna do. and yet i'm forced to admit that i couldn't. at least, i hope, only for now. travelling abroad, for one. :-) yeah.. yeah.. i know most people have the same intentions. but i rejoice by reading blogs. (technology is just beautiful, ain't it?). these lovely people who have the opportunities to be there for whatever reasons (kak teh, you know i meant you.. hehehe..), blog every now and then, and tell us their stories. it's as if experiencing it first hand. and for this i'm really thankful for the internet.

so for now, i'll be contented with what other people are experiencing. maybe one day, i can blog my own. being in foreign land and NOT loving it as much as i thought i would. :-P

for today, just let me retreat to my secluded redoubt. and reflect on my acts yesterday and the day before. and plan what i should do next. hehe.. i think most likely it'll be the same... enjoy your week ahead everyone. every second of it...

April 5, 2005

Saying "No"

How many times in our lives do we tell ourselves to be strong and say "NO"? How many times does this decision is actually a war between what you want and what you should do (or shouldn't do)? How many times do you succumb in defeat to your needs and end up saying... "yes" (very slowly and hush hush)? And how many times should we repeat this... mistake? weakness? stupidity? only to carry the burden later... and regret it?

I have come to terms that in life you most often do not get what you want. I have come to terms that life is meant to be lived fully. And that you should cherish every single second of it. Remember when I said I am a selfish person? Today I found out that I'm not THAT selfish (he he he).

Mostly nowadays, friends tell me, just worry about yourself and how you feel. Think naught of others. (don't take this the wrong way. they meant well. at least for my sake.) I tried. Believe me, I tried my bestest. But I found that I couldn't. There are certain bridges that I would not cross. Eventhough I want to. But I've also learnt that I should trust my instinct. The moment my internal alarm goes off, that means trouble. And trouble means pain. And pain means tears. And tears is something that I do not want to indulge in ever again.

One person would say I think too much. But I guess that's just me. It's a value (or curse?) that has been instilled in me since I know right from wrong. "Kita hidup dalam masyarakat" or "Nanti apa orang kata" and the list goes on. What other people think of us is also important. These days I learnt to... filter, what I want other people's thought of me to count and when not to give a sh err... damn (heh!). Mostly we tend to forgot that what matters is what He thinks of us. We tend to value other people's thoughts of us more. But this shall be another post.

So, today, with heavy heart, I have decided. I am going to say "No". Let me be strong tomorrow to say so.