August 30, 2005

Circle of life

You know, it's good to have friends. And I am blessed with loads. Some true, some.. not so. But, all in all, they are still friends. And they spice up your life the way you'd never imagine.

The other day, a friend smsed me and asked if I have Ayu's email, because he thinks she's the same astronot he met on the plane. Which turned out to be, true. Of course, there's no another Ayu who lives in penang who's an astronot!

Everything is in circle. Someone would say that remark reflects Hinduism. But I would say, a circle is a nice way to say things that goes around, comes around. One started with you, and will somehow end up with you. I think I'm blabbering.

Anyway, what I'm obviously trying to say is... we cannot predict the future. It happens the way it should happen. With His will. We cannot control it, because we do not have the power to do so. What we can do, is shape it. Do things today, the way you want tomorrow brings. If it happens, then it is yours, if it doesn't there's something better along the way. Sometimes, the thing that we want most, may not be the best thing for us. And He knows better. So, submit to His will, but never, ever do nothing to achieve what we want to.

Hmm.. my grey area is foggy. As grey should be. I'm having flu. I do not know why my daya ketahanan is very low at the moment. I'd like to blame it on cuaca berjerubu but that's just not fair. So, probably I was not eating right. I feel so, so very weak. So very lazy.

Feelings is definitely something that should not be toyed around. It is so sad when people take other people's feeling for granted. I wonder how the people who broke other people's heart for no obvious reasons can continue their life. I mean, if the other person is wicked, or not such a nice person, that it is understandable. But what if the other person gives his/her life, time, love whole heartedly? It's not fair for their hearts to be broken. It's just sad. More sad is when the heartbreaker can continue living their lives as if nothing happened. So cruel and heartless. Don't give hopes if you did not mean to realise it. That's just.. cruel.

So to all the people out there, who had been heartbreakers in the past, the should at least be remorse in your hearts. That would make you a better person. It would make you more human.

And to all the people who had been heartbroken, chin up! There's more to life than what happened. The ones who made you cry, do not deserve your tears. Take the past as lessons and use it wisely the next time around.

Questions of feelings and hearts can never be answered fully. It's an ongoing Q&A session. Because life goes on. Breathing continues. To quote Miss Keys, what goes around comes around, what goes up must come down

August 15, 2005

I wish to be a witch!

Many would say that I'm already am. A truly, wicked witch! One with pointed crooked nose, skin and bone, hunchback kinda witch. I, however, believe that I'm a witch like Samantha and Isabel. Smart, funny, just a little bit funky at times, but as true as a witch could ever be!

I went to watch BEWITCHED last weekend. It's a simple, straight forward movie. A feel good movie. I just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Although there a few points in the movie that worth looking over to. No, I do not mean the cinematography, or whether or not it's an Oscar production. I am by no means have the capacity or the capability to review a movie in such a way. I just like to talk about the message in the movie. He he he...

God's creature, human or witches, will never be satisfied. I want to be a witch. Isabel wants to be human. Normal she said. I want to be different. She said something about being able to see and look at it, but never able to touch and feel it, which what she really wants. Thus, she lives as a human, but with a magic touch. Or more apt, a magic wiggling nose. Only few people shares her secret.

Like Isabel, some of us are living in some sort of a disguise. A handful of trusted friends will know the real us, but the remaining will see only what we allow them to see. Luckily for Isabel, she's able to turn back time, when she realises she made a mistake. We on the other hand, have to live with it, which is the reality of life. I see turning back time as being coward. Shying away from the responsibilities. But then again, it is a movie. And witches have magical powers, of course they can do that. Oooohh.. they can't however, stop tears from falling. There is no spell for it.

Reflect. We tend to find answers for everything that happens to us. If it's painful, we find away to make it go away. If it's sickeness, we take medication. If it's confusion, we seek clarity. And the list goes on. Some things, are better left unaswered. Let them be as they are. It might be painful, but we'll sure live through it. Even witches and warlocks have to come to terms that not all answers can be found in jars of portions or spells or tarot-card-turns-VISA. Some things are meant to be experienced. However hurtful it is. However heart-wrenching.

Funny how we only question when bad or sad things happen, but we take for granted or feel that we deserve every bit of good stuff that happens to us.

August 12, 2005

The countdown has begun

The haze has cleared a little, because of the rain early this morning. Although the sun still look like an orange ball, the heat scorching the skin is familiar. Unlike these past few days where it was just a trapped heat. The air gracing my lungs still smells burning and ashes. But I am not complaining, as I hope things will get better, for I'd like to watch the magical two moon this month. Let's pray the haze will be totally gone by the 20th. And let there be clean and clear air after that.

The good news that made me smile from ear to ear is that I am changing environment in aproximately one month. I did not exactly get everything that I asked for, but that's okay. We can't be too greedy, can we? Some things take time and time is all it takes. We've got to be patient, and work for what we want with the intensity that we're comfortable with. Good things will come in time.

With power comes greater responsibilities

Or so it goes along that line. Therefore, it's not all honey and strawberry. In fact, it's actually strawberry. Because it's fulfilling and sour at the same time. So, even if it means better that before, it has its downside as well. But then again, everything has the upside and downside. So, I am not complaining. I pray this will mean a better me for time to come, in everything that I do and hope to achieve. Ameen.

Moving along... I'd like to talk about... carelessness. We are always careless with people who are closed to us. Think back, when was the last time you hurt someone close to you? It does not matter whether they are our parents, siblings, close friends, housemates, spouses, etc. We tend to be careless with their feelings. Careless in the way we act, what we say.

Sadly, most of the times, we did not realise that we've hurt them. We would only see the light when the sleeping volcano finally erupted, and by the time it does, it's difficult to make ammends. But it is not beyond redemption. Blood is thicker than water. And I believe it applies not only among family members, but also with people who we are very close with. However, the scar is there. The burnt trunks and melted metal. Whilst the lava will cool, and brings prosperity to the land, the hurtful memories remain. And there's only one thing to do, which is to live through it.

We have got to acknowledge that we're far from perfect. We tend to be careless, yes. Everyone of us. We might be hurting, or be hurt. We are both, the victim and the criminal. And since we wear both shoes, we should be more empathic to everyone. Imagine the understanding that can be derived.

I know, I know. It sounds farfetched. And too idealistic. Maybe I just am. An idealist. But if we could at least try to make a change, even in the smallest way, don't you think it counts to something? If everyone just snickers at what I said and move along, nothing has changed. And isn't that just so... sad? Then again, this is just my two sen. Can take it, can leave it. But when we have the power to make the change, I suggest we use it. Don't let it go to waste.

We have the power to make this world a better place to live in. In loving and harmonious way. It's just the choice that we have to pick amongst the others.

Now, if only it's that easy...

August 8, 2005

There is no goodbye

No, there isn't.

The fact remains that, even if we verbally say goodbye, our hearts and minds do not. So, how could it be a goodbye.

I said goodbye to yesterday, but the memory remains until today. The acts, the words, the results, the tears, could still be recalled in a moment of weakness. It's called back whenever thoughts flying wildly and uncontrollably back to yesterdays, yesteryears.

There is definitely no definite goodbye. For memory stays. Consciously, subconsciously. There is no running away from the memories. It's like a permanent ink. The only way to make it disappear, is to brutally, ruthlessly remove it. And it leaves a depthless scar.

People come and go in our lives. For reasons that most of the time, we don't understand. Or not willing to understand. Change is necessary, for without it, we are stagnant. No growth. No improvement. We might wither away for being the same place for so long.

Time and time again, we are knocked senseless directly or indirectly by someone, something, to move forward and make a change. To step outside the comfort zone and risk everything. But more often than not, we rather bruise than risk losing a limb. We play it safe. We stay put.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with wanting to stay put. Be contented with what is, then risk for what might. It's okay, because life is good. And, there's no shame in not wanting it to be better.

What's wrong is, when we expect other people to do the same. Some people are just not born copycats. Or clones. They want to build the new path. And what is, is just not enough. Because they know they can get better. That does not mean, they forget their roots. Although some, might lose their way in the course of striving for greatness. All these are the result of the foundation. If the foundation is strong enough, there is no way, the roots will be forgotten. Besides, how can the root, something that is vital for living be put aside, locked somewhere, never to be retrieved again? That's just not right. Live cannot continue.

We need to open our mind. If we are willing to stay where we are, we should accept the possiblity that other people might want to go beyond where they are. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong in wanting to be different. As long as different is still right. But then again, who are we to say what's wrong and right, when the ultimate is up to the One? We should refrain from acting like we have the ultimatum. We don't. We keep on growing until the day, He decides to call us back. Until that day comes, we should not stop our steps, rise higher if we can, be different if we must. Live life fully. Because at the end of the day, there is only one person to be accountable to that life we're living. Ourselves. No one else.

August 3, 2005

Clarity and reasons

The haze was horrible yesterday. I stood at balcony, and I was standing in the haze. The air felt oily and sticky. I washed my face several times. The late night shower did nothing to lessen the temperature. Shutting the sliding door only made the hall stuffier. The air was stagnant. Pungent. Opening the sliding door did not clear the air. It was hot, hot night.

The sun was a still orange ball at about 6 pm. Even the Telekom building was barely visible. KL and Genting Highlands was nowhere to be seen. The panaromic condo on top of the hill was a sillhoutte. I could feel my lungs working harder than usual. The aveolus could not filter all the poison. My red blood cells must be crying. Hopefully my white army with its snipers are sharp and strong enough to fight.

Last night, I watched a bit of Mencari Cinta. And I thought, have our society finally being reduced to such idiotic commercial value? It's just so sad. Who are the real idiots? The producers and the TV channel? The sponsors? The participants? The family members involved? Or... the audience? They can say whatever they want to say. This is a way to show the true values of our culture and religion. Puh-leassseeee... Like duhhhh.

Love cannot be sold. Or bought. Or commercialised. Or is it that in this modernised world, love has at last be one of the products for public amusement? How they ridicule its power and true meaning. Love eventually becomes a joke. Call me a romantic. Call me a hypocrite. Call me idealistic. But to me, there are some things that we should respect and put on high pedestals. Love be amongst them. I shan't say more. Go figure.

Moving on, the weather is much clearer today. Thanks to the early morning rain. I even drove with the windows opened this morning. I like the scent of rain. I love the smell of the air. Fresh and alive. The sky is bluer, trees are greener. But once I came down from the hill, the thicker air starts to clog my nostrils. So, I wound up the windows again. I could only enjoy cleaner air for about 5 minutes. But I guess, that's better than nothing.

I like to stand at the balcony on a no-so-hot day. Looking diagonally to the right, I saw the traffic heading to the town. I could even see the sun reflected on the windshield. Blinding at times. A little to the left, especially at night, Genting Highlands is a festival of lights. Stood majestically on top of the hill, commanding attention from the peasants below. And wishing a quick getaway, leaving the worries on unfinished tasks at work. Straight ahead is the higher ground. Palace for the kings. With panaromic view. I'm sure they enjoy more scenic skyline than I could.

There's something to be said about sitting quietly, watching the world around you. You see birds flying by, feel the breeze sweeping away, watch the children jumping into the pool, listening to their shouts and laughter. Sneak a peek to that balcony from the corner of your eye where a couple is standing side-by-side, sharing a laugh, and stolen kisses. Not to mention those few incidents where you can hear the neighbours quarelling. Throwing out stuff from the window. It's a sight. Hillarious. Scary too. That's watching life.

And then, it made me ask myself. Is this what life is really about? You have moments of pleasure. Then you go through the pains. The cycle of life. Ups and downs. Love and anger. Laughter and tears. Stephen Covey says that 80% of what happened in our life is within our control. It is the result on how we choose to react when something happen to us.

I believe in starting my day with a smile. That is why I get a little miffed when someone or something mess with my morning. But, referring to Mr Covey's idea, it's up to me to be miffed or not in the first place. Habits are difficult to change. So, it takes hard work and time. As long as we do our best to change the not-so-good things, we will be better than before. Don't you think so?

It is true that I have a positive outlook at life in general. It is not always good. Neither it is always easy. When you have so much negative vibes around you, it's difficult to stay optimistic all the time. So, it's a war of aura. Whose aura is much stronger? It gets better and more powerful when you have friends with the same view and feeling on the matter. Than you could win the battle. At times, I lost. But that's okay, because if we win all the time, that's not good either. We might forget that we're after all, humans.

Nowadays I don't complain too much. And I am far from being judgemental. I leave that to the one who has the final say. He who is the Most Merciful. He who is the owner of us. I feel that, each person has their own way in living their life. It might not suit us, it might be wrong. But who are we to say that it's not right for the other person? We don't live their lives as they don't do ours. So, leave the judgement to Him. We can advise and voice our opinions. But there it ends.

And today, I shall smile all day.

August 1, 2005


love is accident.. waiting to happen

desire is a stranger... you think you know

intimacy is a lie... we tell ourselves

truth is a game... you play to win

why did u swear eternal love when all you wanted was excitement?

if you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking

Excerpts from Closer trailer