The paranoia of being... ALONE

What is it about being on your own scares the hell out of you? And I am not talking about being alone physically. We really can't stand being alone emotionally, can we?

All our lives, as we grew up to be where we are now, do what we're hackling now, we were told that we need to go to school, get good results so that we can go to that posh boarding school and later we'll get better chance to go to good universities, and graduate magna cum laude. And much later we'll get married and have a bunch of kids.

The fact that our path had been planned before hand is a wonder. The fact that most of us actually follow that path is a norm. Because it's a well walked trail. The outcome is expected and most welcomed. Because it's the path to "true success". The fact that sometimes, not of all us could walk on that same road because we encounter road blocks and have to retract our steps is terrifying. The fact that it might mean... failure.

I found myself to be in this path. Where I have to retract and move on. And this all started when I first broke up with my high school sweetheart. It was the ultimate shocker. I have had an easy life, pretty much predictable life, for almost twenty years. The broke up shook the lovely cloud I was in and I was knocked back to reality. And things were never the same again after that. And my life has been a rollercoaster ride eversince.

No, I'm not complaining. It's just that, I used to see where I was going. I used to be able to accept what happen to me, just because I know for sure it is supposed to happen. Pretty boring, I know. But it was safer. It was easier.

Now, basically, I go with the flow. I have been, eversince that tearful day, realising that my life will never be the same again, and I will never be with that person I cared for. Heartbreak is something that I could not avoid. I remember the saying, "Live like you're going to live forever, Sing like nobody is listening, Dance like nobody is looking, Pray like you're going to die tomorrow". But there are still so much more that I want to do that I haven't done. And I plan to get to them as soon as I can.

One fact remains, my emotional glass is half full. The half that is filled up are my family and friends. I am still waiting for the day where, ehem, that special someone will help to fill the other... quarter. (Of course the glass can never be full, but that's a metaphor to be discussed another day.) Now, why am I not patient to wait for this person to come along? Why do I subject myself to failed relationships when I know it's doomed from the beginning? Is it because I'm so pathetic that I need that attention eventhough I know its short life span? Or is it because of the pleasure of the company and knowing for that moment there's someone I can count on? Or is it really, really because I'm paranoid of being... alone.

Hmm.. I've had this one relationship that I spent almost 4 years of my life, just because. I was prepared to even settle down, just because. But, I had my doubts. So, I prayed to God, that if this is the one, just make it happen smoothly and if it's not the one, kick me in the backside before I make the big decision. The relationship was never smooth. I subjected myself to emotional abuse, my self esteem was pulled down to zero. Maybe even had negative values at times. But I stayed.

We were in the midst of discussing of... ehem... engagement, when one morning I woke up with no feelings at all. No sadness, no happiness, no hatred and... no love. Just blank. And a very, very clear mind. My prayer was answered. I could not imagine myself spending the rest of my life with someone who has no respect for my feelings, my intelligence and my worth, but commanded full respect and love in return. Like duhh.

Eversince that, I'm thinking of myself first, and maybe because of that harrowing experience, it made me more... selfish. And maybe, because of that I'm still on my own.

I guess, what I'm trying to say, is that I'm tired of being alone. But I wonder if I should take the plunge just because. Well... not that I have any offers... it's just that I believe what you feel inside conveys the message to the outside world. And if you're not ready for it to happen, it will not, because your vibes are sending messages out for people to stay away from you. Huisshh... that sounds so... distressing. But then again, truth, most often than not, is always emotionally boggling.

So... what is my conclusion after all the babbling up there...? Hmm.. The fact that we are not brave enough to be alone is true. The fact that the people around you are spreading the love, but you're still the same is a bit... frightening. The fact that there are so much more to do, than rant about not having someone to lean on. Now Jade, stop the nonsense and get things done.

Ciao people.