The Week That Was…

One week ago today, I was slowly recovering from the fright.

WARNING: LENGTHY POST AHEAD…

Just a day after her 11-month birthday, my daughter was admitted to KPJ Tawakal for lung infection. Two days before that, I was at a project kick-off, where I was about to deliver the afternoon workshop, when I received a call from The Hubby, they were on their way to the ER. Little Princess was not doing well. She had  fever over the weekend, but was fine on Monday. Little that I knew, it will be the start of emotional journey for me and the rest of the family.

Upon receiving the call, I told my colleagues I have to leave, and passed the presentation to my Account Manager. While driving, my heart is beating furiously, thinking what could’ve gone wrong. She only had fever, that went up and down, yes, and a little coughing. When I arrived in the ER, the nurses were sponging my daughter, and she was crying looking frightened. It broke my heart. I immediately picked her up from the examination table and hold her tightly close, whilst the nurses kept on sponging her. I later told the nurse, I’ll do it myself while nursing her. I did not let myself cry, not yet.

We went to see her paed half an hour later. She ordered blood test and urine test. The look in my little princess eyes.. while the nurse wrapped her in the blanket to hold her still to draw blood… I couldn’t get it off my mind. She looked at me with a question, “Mami, what are they doing to me?” I had to hold my baby down while the nurse drew blood from her. I did not let myself cry, not yet. Held her close immediately after it finished. Once out from the room, I could not hold myself back any longer. While comforting my daughter, with istighfar and tasbeeh non-stop… I cried. And cried. The Hubby hugged me, but still I cried.

We were at the lab area for more than an hour, waiting for Little Princess to pee, but she didn’t. So the doctor asked us to come back to her room. While there, my baby peed, and the urine was sent to the lab. Her blood had traces of bacteria according to the doctor. So she prescribed antibiotics, and I do not want her to stay in the hospital much longer. We went back. It was Tuesday.

Wednesday, I stayed at home, looking after her. She was well. Laughing and playing. All day long. Just the two of us. It was her 11 month birthday. Then that night, she started to act differently. Her breathing was heavy, and when giving her water to drink, I felt as if the water came out through her lungs… I tried not to worry, for she slept soundly. In the morning, she seemed very quiet, not quite herself. She just wanted to sleep and lie down. Her breathing was  still heavy. I called her paed, and she advised me to bring her in.

It was Thursday. And this is where my nightmare really started…

There was no room available to admit Little Princess. I was beside myself. I couldn’t quite control my emotions. My baby was turning blue, and they would ask us to wait??!! But I know, oh I know the nurse was trying her best to get any available room. There were rooms should already been available, because the patients were discharged, but they still hadn’t check-out, taking their own sweet time to get their asses away from the hospital. Such selfishness! Such stupidity! Such heartlessness! No caring whether other people would die out of their careless actions! The paed did not even want to look at my baby, but she looked worried. She lost a patient before, maybe there were myriads of worry running through her head… We finally managed to get an adult VVIP room.

My baby was not doing well. That’s what the doctor said. Her condition had worsen. She ordered an x-ray. Again, I was with Little Princess throughout. Held her down, assuring her that everything would be fine. Reciting dua close to her little ears, while she hold on to me with her frail hands and frightened eyes. Ya Allah… only you know how I feel inside, please, please let my baby be fine… Please make her stronger… Please make her brave… I couldn’t stop pleading, and pleading… I have no power at all to make my baby better. Only He does. He can help, and He will help me!

They put her on oxygen then. She had drip in her little hand. Pumping water and antibiotics into her little body. Ya Allah… seeing this tiny little person with all the wires around her… She also had a sensor around her little toe that tracked her oxygen level and heartbeat. And my baby, she had very little energy, just lying there. I slept beside her in that big hospital bed. We had to move rooms three times before we finally had a single room to ourselves.

I kept on thinking… I just started sending her to the daycare. Only 3 days the week before. And she’s already like this? What did I do wrong? Where did I miss it? The Hubby told me not blame myself, and portioning the blame will not make our baby better. He was right of course, but what have I not done enough?

Friday, when the doctor came in the evening to check on Little Princess, she looked… relieved. The antibiotics were doing their job. But my baby still needed the oxygen tube on. Owh… I haven’t told you about the first physio session…

Friday morning, I brought her for physio session. I was prepared for the first part, but not the second, eventhough the physiotherapist walked me through it. I was not prepared for the tiny tube to be inserted into my baby’s nostrils and mouth! No! But I knew I couldn’t stop it. In fact, in one occasion, I helped to open my baby’s mouth, because she was clamping it tight. Ya Allah, make me strong! inwardly I screamed… The moment it was finished, I held her tightly, held her, and held her. They wanted to put her straight to the drip, but I said no. I wanted my baby to have what normal moment she could before she’s confined back to the bed.

You can say it’s normal for babies going to the daycare to have infection or to be admitted. But I still say NO. It’s not normal for these little people to be confined to hospital beds with tubes around them. NO! NO! NO! A thousand times NO! They should be healthy. Happy little people, running around enjoying their lives! You may say it’s normal for your baby, if you want to. But not for me. Never for me.

Little Princess had three more physio sessions before she was discharged on Sunday afternoon. Yes, she was discharged on Sunday. But it was an emotionally harrowing four days of my life. The hospital walls closing in every single day, I though I would go crazy. Ya Allah, please, I don’t ever want to go through this experience again. Ever.

On Saturday, I was supposed to go to the induction session for my MBA course, but I didn’t go. I thought that would be my escape for a little while from the hospital. But owh… the words a loved one could say to make you feel really bad about yourself. I felt awful, I was the worst mother in the world for wanting to be away from my baby, just a little while. Ya Allah, forgive me. Hana, forgive your Mami for being so weak. I am so sorry for even thinking that I’d the rights to escape. Everyone else came and went back. Even The Hubby could leave the hospital to get a change of clothes, etc. But no, not the Mami. Mami had to stay.

My Little Princess is recovering well. She’s almost 100% back to herself. No more coughing since yesterday, Alhamdulillah. She had to continue a course of antibiotics, and finished up the antibiotics that was prescribed to her in the hospital the past week. She’s filling up back the fats that she lost in that week that she was unwell. Every time I saw her ribs and legs and hands these past two weeks, I couldn’t help but cry. She’s not a plump baby, thus she looked really frail without the fats on her body.

Needless to say, no one would be able to understand what I felt, except for a mother, except for a woman. For we have this tiny part of us that Allah SWT has given to us and only us. And this feeling that you feel, once you’ve seen your child in that way, it will never go away.

O Allah, thank you for making my daughter better. Thank you for listening to my prayers. You only test me with tests that You know I could go through and not more than that.

And It Begins…

Ever since I started to be active on Twitter, I get to read a lot of quotes, sayings and opinions. Some are good, some – not so good. Some wisdom, some trolls. It’s really about filtering what you’re reading.

There is one celebrity that I am following. Her musings are worth to be read. While I agree on her idea of children upbringing, not many of us are lucky enough to have enough means as she does. I might be assuming a lot, but as I see it, she has the freedom to choose when she wants to take an assignment and when she wants to be home with her children. Lucky her. She must have several silent incomes under her belt.

It is true when people say that a woman, once she becomes a mother, her thoughts are mostly for her child and how best she can be a great mother to her child. If she is a working woman, the thought of leaving the job crosses the mind often. Of course, if one breadwinner is sufficient, it can happen in an instant. But for someone like me, it is not as easy. In fact, we are thinking how to get more without sacrificing the time with the child.

I miss my daughter when I’m at work. But since I started working after my confinement period, never once I call home to check with Mak or Abah on how Baby Hana is doing. I know if I do that, I will start making it a habit. And I am confident that under the care of my parents, my baby will be fine, insyaAllah.

In the morning, if I do not have pressing matters in the office, I will bathe Baby Hana, feed her and put her to bed for her morning nap. These days, since she can sleep on her own, after the morning ritual of bathing and playing and feeding, I will just put her on the bed, and go get ready for work. Baby Hana will be sleeping by the time I’m ready for work. Give her a kiss and whisper sweet things and leave for work. Once at work, I put Baby Hana at the back of my mind and concentrate on work. Finish with work, I will go straight home as soon as I am able. And after putting the EBM in the fridge, I will go and get my daughter immediately. I know she misses me too because she will hold on to me tightly.

Babies are geniuses. Don’t think they don’t understand or they don’t know anything. They use their brains more than adults use theirs. When a baby babbles, I truly belief that she is communicating in her own words. But the meaning is still the same. You ask the baby how was her day, and she will respond. Sometimes she continues babbling even when you want to ask a different question. Try listening to the tone and watch the facial expression. There is hurt there and sometimes frustration. But babies are very forgiving. Give them kisses and hugs, tell them that you love them, a big smile will quickly replace the frown.

Convince them you want to be with them as much as they want you around all the time. Just give whatever time you have for your kids and always be available for them. I might not be able to be around as much as I like to, but I am sure my daughter understands. I pray one fine day I will have as much freedom as the celebrity, and I can be with my daughter whenever I want to.

ps: I wonder why is it on Wednesdays that I have lots to say… hahaha…

My Baby is a Big Girl

Today, Baby Hana received her first set of shots. She handled it quite well, I should say. She cried, of course, but she calmed down soon after. Unlike the first appointment, when she was only 12 days, where she was inconsolable just by using voice and hugging. Of course, she was a lot smaller then. :-)

Doctor asked me to put Baby Hana on the bed. She said it’s safer, just in case I got nervous and dropped the baby! Ha ha ha… So, I put Baby Hana on the bed, and put my right hand on her chest and my left hand caressing her head. I spoke to her all the time, and recited doa for her. She got a little nervous when she caught the scent of the medicine. And when the doctor injected her, she cried. But she didn’t scream. So I kissed her forehead, and when the doctor said okay to do so, I picked her up quickly and hugged her tightly. She calmed down real quick, Alhamdulillah.

Mak and Abah was waiting outside. And Baby Hana already quieted down when we got out from the doctor’s office. Her next appointment will be in early May. I will have to see how our schedule look like during that time. If need be, I might take her for that appointment by end of April. And the doctor said she’s fit for travel. Yeay!

Baby Hana is now 55cm in length and weigh about 4.4kg. Not bad for a girl, eh? My baby girl is strong, healthy and a very good girl! And she’s growing up on me, so fast! I am a little afraid that I might miss something. I’m going back to work in a week. I hope I will stay connected, grounded and patient with her, however tired I am coming back home. There’s a challenge ahead of us, for Baby Hana and I. I pray we’ll get through it okay.

And, we are missing The Man in our lives so much! Muah muah!

First Night Without Him 2

The Hubby has safely arrived in Sydney yesterday evening. Another 3 months away…

This time, on the first night without him, I brought Baby Hana to sleep with me on the bed. It’s more for my sake, than hers. I think she had a restless night last night. She’s always sleeping soundly in her own cot, but when she’s sleeping in the big bed, she will wake up every hour. I do not know if it is psychic or psychology of her subconscious mind that is telling her mother is very near. So for tonight, she’s in her own bed.

Him being away this time, seems a little harder to me. Maybe it’s because we just been given a daughter. Maybe because it’s thousands of miles away as compared to last time. And maybe because this time, I will not be seeing him as often as when he was in Brunei last year.

Friends are saying I will get use to him being away. But to be honest, even when he’s gone for one night for his photography job, I feel his absence. Even when he’s away for the whole day for an assignment, I feel empty. So, how is it possible that I will get use to him being away for weeks or months? And frankly, I don’t think I want to get use to him being away. As much as it pains (?) me or makes me sad that he’s away, I’d rather feel the sadness than not feeling anything at all. Does this mean I’m the clingy sort? Erks?!!

Anyway, on the bright side of the story, it’s a great opportunity for him, and insyaAllah more rezeki for us. And everytime I feel a little melancholic, I will remind myself on our promise that we will not make the other person lose opportunities just so that we don’t feel sad. We will not hold the other person back from achieving what we could in life, at work or personally. Of course, everything has its place and time, and whatever decision that we make, it’s for the better, insyaAllah.

Three weeks ago, I turned down an opportunity, a possibly lucrative opportunity just after one phone call. But money is not everything in life. And with the new addition, my priorities have to be set correctly. Any opportunities, however promising and money-making, The Hubby and Baby Hana will have to come first. It’s not because I’m becoming less driven professionally, I just don’t believe in being driven at the expense of my loved ones. I’m still driven professionally, obviously, or I wouldn’t be actively looking for new position as I am now! He he he…

Well, I think I’m digressing. I am missing my soul mate. Thank God for Skype. Although it’s not the same, at least we can still look at each other and make faces! Okay, I make the faces… :-p I love you Boochi Boo!! Take care, mate!

11 days later

I was not a beautiful elegant lady during and after the birth. My face was void of blood, my eyes were puffy, my legs were swollen. The epidural made my legs heavy, ponstan was making me lethargic. Now I understand why French women have their magic potion ready by bedside to be used after the long hours of labor. Clarins has one of those, it’s called Flash Beaute. I had planned to get it, but it slipped my mind once I’m settled at my parents’ abode.

Looking back at my picture with The Hubby and Baby Hana at the hospital, although there was smile on my face, it will always remind me of the experience in the labor room; The Hubby’s face of helplessness, the sharp jarring pain, The Doctor’s encouraging voice, the nurses worried faces, my mom’s anxious looks, then the moment Baby Hana was put on my tummy with The Doctor reciting the Iqamah, Baby Hana’s first cry, Hubby’s voice in my ear while the etonox muddled the pain of being stitched up, The Hubby’s grip on my hand while we watch our baby being examined… The images will flood my mind one after another, overlapping between before and after.

Yes, I did not have an easy first birth. I know some people do. The saying about having big bottoms will have easy birth, it’s a myth. I have big butt (and I’m not lying about it) but well, you know the story. Haih, I hope my story doesn’t scare any mothers-to-be as it’s an experience no women should deny if they have the chance to it.

Let me tell you, the feeling once it was all over. When Baby Hana was put on my tummy, the feeling is indescribable. For me, it was almost similar to the day when The Hubby accepted the aqad. The way you look at this little thing suddenly changed. For 9 months all I could see was a projected image on the screen and pieces of printed photo, but now, here she is. A living, breathing little person, and I cannot help but cried a little. She is so small and she is totally dependant on people around her to love her, to care for her. At the end of the day, all the pain are totally worth it. I did not cry once while I was in pain, but I could not stop the tears when I look at my daughter.

I have a husband. And I have a daughter.

I am still, after one year of marriage marveling at the fact that someone is willing to share his life with me. It still bring tears of humility and happiness whenever I think about it. And now I have another miracle bestowed upon me. My very own child. Every time I look at her, all trusting and full of wonders, I could not help but thank Allah for giving me this chance. I don’t mind if this is the only one, for I am determine to raise her right, insyaAllah. Quality over quantity, that’s my take.

Tomorrow is our first check-up with the doctors after the delivery. I’m so looking forward to be out there, and breathe the polluted air! Ha ha ha… Baby Hana has appointment with her paed, I hope she will stay an angel that she is. He he he… wishful thinking eh?

Owh, my next post I guess, will be about this confinement period and how I’m handling it. ;-)

It’s Here!

TO MY HUSBAND,

HAPPY FIRST ANNIVERSARY!

I adore you, I love you

May we keep adoring and loving each other for more years to come!

And here’s to having more of our wishes and dreams come true as we journey through this sea of life together.

 

p.s: image was googled.

It’s Been A Year!

Tonight, one year ago, I was doing last minute preparation for the big day. Sharky was with me, making sure the room is ready. We put on the bed sheet, decorated the side table, tied ribbons to the flimsy drapes, etc. Downstairs, my aunties are doing things that I cannot remember now. I remember going down and being asked to go to bed. But I was too hyped to go to sleep. It’s the turning point. I wrote a blog post while waiting for my wedding bouquet to arrive: Last one before tomorrow.

Tonight, a year later, I am 32 weeks pregnant with our first child, The Hubby is watching movie on his laptop, and I’m feeling mellow again. Ha ha ha… In one year that we’ve been together, so many things have happened, we learn (still are!) each others’ quirkiness, all of which my sincere hope, bringing us even much closer together. We have our differences, but nobody said anything about agreeing on everything once you’re husband and wife, right? We keep our individuality no matter what.

A year later, watching television these days, I’m watching it with my motherhood cap on. There are so many things that I have to do to ensure my child reap the benefits and learn from the negativities. I thought I’d be those cool moms where everything is A-okay, but I guess it’s like what The Hubby said, “Mothers mean business, Fathers mean fun”. Ha ha ha… I don’t know where he got that. But I guess, between the two of us, I’ll be the sour plum. But I reverently hope that whatever I do or say, I’ll be educating my child and not building walls between us.

A year ago, I had goose bumps every time I think about the next day. Tonight, I’m getting goose bumps thinking of what lies ahead in less than two months. I pray that everything will go smoothly and both of us will be healthy. There are still things to buy for The Baby’s arrival. We’ll do it soon. I am yet to pack my hospital bag. Maybe I should do it this weekend.

So, in this post, I’d like to thank all my family members who worked really hard making my special day happened in the most special way. Special thanks to Sharky for being there for me, right by my side, giving words of encouragement and jokes that I could not remember now. Also thanks to Cindy for being there while I was preparing for my reception ceremony and agreeing with my choice of accessories and hairstyle instead of the mak andam’s.

I truly have a charmed life. Things are not always smooth but it always turn out right. To my beloved husband, I love you with all my heart. Here’s to our first year together, darling. May there’ll be more to come.

quel est l'amour

What is LOVE?

I just finished re-reading The Zahir by Paulo Coelho. It’s about a successful writer whose wife left him without a “goodbye” simply because the husband was no longer interested in his wife’s day-to-day recaps even though they love each other very much. The husband was no longer listening to what the wife is saying and they didn’t talk about nothing and everything like they used to. The book tells the story of the writer’s journey rediscovering himself en route to finding his wife again.

LOVE according to this book is an energy which is flowing freely. It should not, could not be controlled. Once we start moulding LOVE into our own definition, it loses its intensity, its meaning, its being.

Have you ever noticed how all the movies that we watch, possibly all the movies ever made are about LOVE? It’s defined in so many ways, which resulted in so many things, situation.

How often do we take chances? How often do we wish we could dance in the rain, but that’s all there is, a wish, never a reality? How often do we think about the Godiva in the fridge but refuse to touch it simply because we had our share of Neapolitan just that afternoon? How often do we hold ourselves back from telling our spouses or partners something that we know might make them upset or uncomfortable? How often do we decide to take one step back or remain immobile instead of taking one step forward?

So many questions, but do we dare answer them and react differently the next time?

Thus, what is LOVE?

Some people avoid LOVE like a plague whether intentionally or subconsciously without realising it, because of past experiences. Some people get it lucky the first time and have a fairy tale life. Some people jump right back at LOVE after LOVE left. And all these does not necessarily about romantic relationship. It could be with your parents, siblings, friends or colleagues. It’s LOVE, and it’s unrestricted.

What is LOVE?

If you believe in GOD, and you believe in destiny, trust me, there is one person destined to be with you. You might not get 100% what you want in that person, but GOD sends you someone you need, not someone you want. So, believe that He knows what’s best.

But then again, don’t take my word for it. Maybe you’d like to give your own definition, according to your epiphany.

Why I Adore Edward Cullen

… as I adore Bill the True Blood Vampire, Angel the Vampire with Soul, Blade the Day Walker.

They all have tortured hero persona about them. Ha ha ha… Except for Blade, the rest of them are very gentleman in their vamp self.

Take Edward Cullen for example. He is the perfect man in every woman’s fantasy. Gentle yet firm. Kind with hidden violence against wrongs. He is also puts his woman’s happiness above everything else. Not to mention always thinking about his woman in everything he does. A perfect man. And as perfection goes, it only lives in the fantasy world.

Look at Jacob Black. He is your everyday man. Impatient. Childish. Always believe that he’s right all the time. While he has some commendable characteristics, his antagonism speaks louder. Very persuasive and manipulative in getting everything to his way. Clearly, real woman prefers more matured man. This emotive beastly man speaks heavy baggage and could drain a woman dry. And he’s not even a vampire!

I watched Eclipse last night with The Hubby. The Hubby could hardly contain his gag reflex every time the characters (especially Edward) utter a very cheesy line. What can we say? The lines were written by a woman, from a woman’s perspective, to feed a woman’s fantasy. Because in our dreams, our men speaks to us in ways that melt our hearts every time. Who needs the reality when you’re traversing across the pages of a romantic novella, non?

Honestly though, I could not be melting every single time my man opens his mouth. That would be totally messy and physically draining, wouldn’t it? Hmmm… I certainly hope that line does not come with a double meaning. Ha ha ha… What I mean is, after all the fantasy romance with the perfect man of our dreams, we are more willing to spend the rest of our lives with the likes of a real man. And as we know, a real man is really a boy with bigger toys (I’m quoting this line). If we’re lucky enough to get a man who’s maturity goes beyond Jake’s pathetic attempt at being an adult, then all the better. Even if we’re not, at least what we have is real.

Ps: I did offer The Hubby to sit out on Eclipse. I told him I could watch it on my own… But he insisted… I love my husband. Hi hi hi… 

 

Surviving Love Heartache

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I've prayed for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be , incomplete         -BSB; Incomplete

This is an example of a sad love song. It tells us how it feels like when losing someone that is very dear. Either by death or just because of a break-up in the relationship.

Writing from break-up perspective, let me tell you, it's true. It's very true; speaking from experiences.

BUT, let me also tell you that the feeling will pass after some time. For every heartache, they will heal. You cannot delete the memories, but the sadness, the pain, they will go away in time. Time heals, just like Mariah Carey's song; Love Takes Time (to heal). The tears will stop.

When you're going through a break-up whether you wanted it or not, the pain is there. You started to feel that you have wasted a lot of time and effort on this someone who is supposed to be in love with you. Because for those period of time that you're together, this other person became your centre of everything. In most cases, girls will definitely put their partner first before everything else. As it is the nature for a girl to do so. During this period, you spend most of your waking time with your partner than your friends or even family members. And obviously when the relationship ended, it feels as if the world ends with it.

But fear not, it doesn't. Because life goes on. When the other person, probably, is enjoying his/her new life, with laughter, smiles and new love, why should we wallow in tears for so long? Give time for grief because that is how you will heal. But do not stay there any longer than necessary. Life goes on. 

Some people suggest to bury yourself with work because it will stop you from thinking about the loss. I disagree. You should spend time on thinking of what you have lost, and also what you have gained through out the experience. Cherish the happy times, learn from the sad ones. From here, slowly you will see that the break up is probably the best thing that could happen to you at a very opportune time. When you bury yourself with work, you are running away from what makes you sad, you're running away from reality. It's fine to do it for a while, but sooner or later you have to face the fact that life is not the same anymore and you have to accept this new breath of air. And move on. 

Some people suggest to go out with friends rather than wallowing alone at home. I agree. But after you give time to yourself to be alone. Because the purpose of going out with friends is to enjoy and feel happy again. If you're going out while you're still in the grieving state, you will only end up with tears, if not while out, when you get back home. And this is not helping. It's okay to feel a little sadness amongst the laughter, you're only human. And move on. 

Bad experiences in love relationship might make you bitter and not trusting. That is totally understandable. And no one can judge you badly for being this way. Because now you are wiser and you will start a new relationship with a purpose in mind and will not waste your time with players and jokers anymore. Because now you see the true meaning of a relationship and the value in it. So, if you're going out with someone who has different values on relationship, you know to draw the line, and to just enjoy the company as it is. You will not expect anything more. Because now, you know what you want from a serious relationship. So you move on. 

Many people say that when the right person comes along, you do not even realise it. It just happen slowly and surely, and finally you are there! While it may not happen this way for everyone, the concept is the same. Because every one of us is meant for someone. It just need the right time for it to happen. Think of this time alone as way to enrich yourself and learn more about yourself, to love yourself more than everything else. To learn to be happy yourself, on your own, before you can be happy with someone else. And when your being is at the right frequency with that someone who is intended to you, surely the magic will happen. It sounds a little whimsical, but some how, it is true. 

And when the real thing is happening, just rejoice every moment of it. Feel the love and happiness envelop your every senses. Don't let small little things bother you so much. If you have doubts or worries, communicate it with your partner. Because a relationship with repress feelings, is not healthy, in my opinion. It's a little scary to tell the person you love that you're upset or unhappy or angry, but if you do it, it makes you speak your mind, show your partner you have a stand, and God willing, he will appreciate it and respect you more. 



Relationship is not easy. It needs hard work everyday. From the man and the woman. It cannot happen with only one person making the effort. 

I sincerely hope that this post will help friends out there who are going through the heartaches. Some cannot let go of the past and give chance to new relationships. Some are still tearing from the pain. Some in relationships but emotionally repressed. I hope you will find solace, and whenever you need to talk, you know I'm all ears for you.

Let's Cling!

Maybe women ARE supposed to whine. Maybe we’re just built that way. We are also built to cling and be dependant on our spouses. Now, don’t get your neck strain and your blood boiling, I’m just saying that these are the womanly antics that maybe created to complement those testosterone characteristics.

We know that men and women are not build the same. We know we are different in so many ways. That is why books like Mars and Venus genres are selling like hot cakes! That is why we read articles to help we understand our partners. Therefore it just follows the logics that we are built in certain ways to complement the other gender.

However independent and resourceful a woman is, she always have the small voice telling her she’s missing something. I can testify this myself. I was on my own for quite some time. And yes, I can get myself things and go anywhere, but I always longed for someone to share the things and places with.

I was happy on my own, minding myself. But I did wonder how it would feel to have someone next to me and be happy together. I believe some of my friends would be woman enough to admit the same thing.

Men, they don’t see relationships the way women do. It is very straight to the point for them. That is why, when women long for special moments to be shared together, men have difficulty to understand the importance. Saying “I miss you” once in one phone call thousand miles away is enough to them. But for women, repetition makes it more meaningful. I think I repeat it 10 times in the space of five minutes. That’s twice a minute! And wayyyyyyy too much for a man to handle. I definitely sounded clingy. But since I’m already the lawful wedded wife, The Hubby just chuckled and gave the obligatory reply; “Miss you too”.

And truth be told, when I woke up one morning, found an SMS from him that said; “I miss my wife”, it made my day so much better. Not because I felt happy he missed me, just that, I was happy he missed me. Didn’t get that? Well, it was not because he’s miserable that I am happy, it’s just because when he said it, I truly believe that he missed me. It made my heart skipped a bit, my breath a little faster. In a good way. There was a warm glow spreading inside of me.

We, the modern women, we do our best to “behave” as expected by the modern society. Not clingy, being independent, speaking all our thoughts out loud, etc. And mostly because some men think that clingy women are not sexy. Tell me then, why do 50-year-old men are dating 20-year-olds? It’s because these young blood are clingy and dependant on them. They make the older men feel more manly and powerful. But when their 50-year-old wives do the same, those poor ladies become the reason they stray.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, those characteristics that we try to curb are the very essence that make us women. Obviously, used excessively, they become thorns on the backside, so utilise sparingly. In fact, we should not be embarrassed about being “womanly”. After all, in the old days where relationships were as strong as the China Wall, the dependencies were expected.

Just because we are our own women, that does not mean we have to be manly. And maybe in this day and age, women needs to be a little more clingy so real men can materialise once more.

Our Wedding Song

This song was played as we walked into the hall...





The Last Time (I Fall In Love)
Eric Benet

The first time I fell in love was long ago
I didn't know how to give my love at all
The next time I settled for what felt so close
But without romance, you're never gonna fall
After everything I've learned;
Now it's finally my turn
This is the last time I'll fall... in love

The first time we walked under that starry sky,
there was a moment when everything was clear
I didn't need to ask or even wonder why,
because each question is answered when your near
and I'm wise enough to know when a miracle unfolds,
this is the last time I'll fall in love

Now don't hold back, just let me know
Could i be moving much too fast or way too slow
'Cause all of my life, I've waited for this day
To find that once in a lifetime, this is it, I'll never be the same

You'll never know what it's taken me to say these words
And now that I've said them, they could never be enough
As far as I can see, there's only you and only me

This is the last time I'll fall in love
Last time I'll fall in love
The last time I'll fall... in love

Preparing For Love

I remember those days when I was on my own. I kept on thinking why are those people who are rougher, more out-spoken and probably slightly "evil" able to find their other half so early? I mean, these are not necessarily nice people, but still, they have someone who love them enough that the men decided marriage it is!

I thought how unfair that is. I thought there must be something really wrong with me. I thought I am so lacking in so many ways that I don't know about. Therefore I could not correct them and I will always be alone. I kept on thinking these unknown disadvantages that I have that it really brought me down to a very low level at one point. I was feeling really, really sad and alone. I would suddenly cried without any reason. I started to pull myself inside and avoiding people. I felt really unattractive.

This was years ago. If I'm not mistaken, I was about 27 or 28 years old then. After this very low point in my life, somehow I woke up with a new breath. I suddenly love life better than anything else and I love myself a lot more. I started to be more brave in expressing myself; with words and how I present myself. I started buy more shoes (egad!). I started shopping for 'nicer' clothes. I started to have more than two handbags! I was practically evolving into being a typical woman! But even with all that, I was still myself. I know some people was sad with the changes I made. But for the first time in my life, I felt alive! I felt that I am being true to who I really am.

Changes are good. What's important, we should be comfortable in the changes that we make. More important, we're happy with the change. No other person should be able to dictate how you should live your life. They can offer advise and suggestions, but ultimately, you know what makes you happy.

Having said that, being a Muslim, we should always remember that whatever we do, we have The One to answer to. Whatever we say or do, we should always remember Him. And I guess, only then we're able to be truly happy, whatever choices or changes we make in our lives.

Owh... and of course, everything will happen in its own space and time. We don't have to fight or look for it. Especially in love. I don't believe in "looking for love". I believe in "preparing for love". This means, we prepare ourselves with the values that are truly ourselves. And when the time is right, as per qada' and qadr, it will happen.

Short nights in Paris

We're both learning to live apart, but still together. It seems so simple for some people, but truth be told, it is something that you have to learn to get used to. It is more difficult for him because he is the one who is waiting, while I am the one who goes away. With love comes understanding. And patience. I pray both of us will come out unscatched.

Having said that, being away, is not easy. The hotel room seems so cramped and empty. Going out, smiling in the photos, it's just not the same when you're not enjoying the day with the one you want to be with. What more can I say?

It's Paris, I know. But dem! I miss him! Ha ha ha...

Anyway, it's 8pm here. But it looks like 5pm out there. Short nights, long days. So, a week after in Paris, I have not yet fall under its spell... It's just another city, and the tower is just a bunch of steel. :-p

----------------------------------------

Okay lah. I heard back in KL people are still talking about the English for Science and Maths thingy? We, Malays, should realise that we are not in the seat of power in the academia world (neither are we in so many others). As such, we need to find ways to be at par with other people around the world. We need to see that we are not living in out own little world, but are in the race for excellence with the whole world. And since we are not dictating the ways things should go round, we are forced to work many times harder.

It will be easier, we will see, for the kids today who are learning in English, as the years go by. In fact, just because they are learning in English, it does not strip them off their culture and heritage. They are still Malay at the heart of it. Ask any Malays who are abroad; still looking for a hint of nasi lemak, finding spices to cook asam pedas. What I'm trying to say is that, being Malay does not have anything to do with the language(s) that we study. Languages are the means for the future that we seek. So, be at peace. Give it time, and we shall reap the fruits of our labours not so long from now.

No Rush Ler...

It's the fifth day in 2009. The eight day of Muharram 1430H.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

Life goes back to the old routine. Wake up in the morning, going to work, being busy, wait anxiously for the work day to end, a trip to the gym and finally the nightly visits to la-la land.

If anyone were to ask me how does it feel to be someone's fiancée, my answer would be... not much difference! Except for the part where my fingers are not bare anymore. :-p And probably my blog will become duller than ever!

Some people are telling us that the engagement period is a tad too long while others are saying there's hardly enough time to plan for the wedding. And Jade being Jade, these voices are taken with pinches of salt. Not to disregard, just as guides lah... You cannot satisfy everyone, so you might as well satisfy yourself and make yourself happy.

Just ponder on it for a while if you may. When you're single, people ask you when are you going to get a boyfriend or girlfriend. When you're a couple people ask you when you're going to be engaged. Once you're engaged they ask you why wait so long to get married. Once you're married they start asking if you have a bun in the oven already. Like duh kan? It will never end.

Although these people meant well, you have got to know how to pace yourself and not be rushed by what's happening around you. Take your time. I know I took my time to get on the train of marital bliss, but that's only because the coaches before did not make me happier than I was when I was on my own. Now that it has changed, Alhamdulillah, we have taken the next step. I am nervous, yes, but I am also happier. :-)

There is nothing wrong with waiting for the right one. Or the right moment. What's important is that you're happy and the other person makes you happier. Wait for it.

The weekend I was "booked"!

The weekend has ended. And the ceremony went well. Alhamdulillah. I was more concern about the food, but syukur it received good response from the family members. Although there was a little emergency about the baju, I am thankful I have loving parents that could bail me out in such situation. I love you Abah! I love you Mak! And I love the plan B dress a lot! Thanks to Margaret Tan, the designer who made it happened. :-)

I love the make up so much. Thanks to Zai. Feel free to browse her FaceBook to see her works. You won't regret it!

The fact that my best friends were around, helped to reduce the butterflies flying around in my tummy. We were busy chatting in the room until Sharky came up to tell us that they are coming up. I started to get breathless at that moment. Luckily Dakwanie reminded me to take deep breath and continue breathing. Ha ha ha... You would think I'm meeting the Prime Minister or the King!

My hands were cold and clammy when CapalPerak's mother put the ring on. Everyone laughed when she said my hands were icy cold! Haih! Can't help it!

To my bestest friends; Syieda, Ina, Aeez, DakWanie, Sharky; thank you so much for being there! Aeez and Sharky, you gals helped a lot by sleeping over that night, believe me. He he he...

DakWanie, tenkiu for the cute little cookies. Love it. Emma, tenkiu for the chocs. Delish! Syieda, tenkiu, tenkiu for Zen. It was really unexpected!

And to my darling CapalPerak, tenkiu for the ring! Ahahahaha... We still have a longgggggggg way to go... :-) Love you. It's an honour to be called your fiancée. :-p

A day to remember: 27th December 2008

Happy Birthday Luv!

Today is CapalPerak's birthday. We actually had the celebration dinner on Friday. And I just realised that I did not take any picture of him devouring the Mi Kolok! Dem!

I brought him to Borneo Baruk Cafe near my office. I checked few weeks back that they have Sarawak's famous dishes on menu. And, they also play very nice songs during dinner hour. The live band only starts playing at 9 p.m. We did not wait for them since we did not have enough time. And mainly because the group next to our table was making a lot of noise, and I found it very annoying. I understand it's Happy Hour and all that, but could they not pick a different table to sit and make noise? Ahahaha... Yeah, I can be bitchy like that.

We then walked to KLCC and had ice cream; before making our way slowly with full bellies to the car.

Happy Birthday B! Here's to another wonderful year ahead!

Still a Happy Baby... Heart is Still Merry!

It's a brand new day today. Nothing extra-ordinary happens, but I woke up with a new kind of vigour this morning. Although I took my sweet time to get up and get ready for work, somehow, I felt lighter.

I put on a new top this morning, switching from my ordinary worn out shirt to a turquoise blouse. I don't normally wear so casual to work, but today, I felt like it. I let my hair down, although I stick to just powder, a little blusher and lip balm as usual. No, nothing special is going on today. Neither did anything special happened during the weekend.

Fun things and meaningful things did happen during the weekend. CapalPerak and I went to see Max Payne on Saturday. I hung out with Sarcy on Sunday. I shared something that happened several years ago with CapalPerak last night. And today CapalPerak starts his new job. Normal hours finally. And maybe, just maybe, the fact that our hours won't clash so much anymore makes me feel lighter. He he he...

Other than that, nothing special happened.

While watching Max Payne...

Jade: Owhh.. owhh... do you want to know what he's going to do next?
CapalPerak: No.
Jade: Isk...

Later...

Jade: I'm sorry if I spoiled the movie for you... I think my brain is too Hollywodised already... I seem to be able to know what's going to happen next... Hmmm... maybe I should become a script writer. Or write that book I've been wanting to write!
CapalPerak: Just do whatever you want to do darling. [smiling his exasperated smile]

Much later...

Jade: Ohhhh... Bordersssss.... Oooooweeeeeeiiiioooouuuuuuweeeeeiiioooouuuu... [moving fingers in a circular motion at each side of the head - as if being hypnotised]
CapalPerak: Oh my god. I'm dating a cartoon character...
ZuZu: [Laughing at the back seat]

Being Hollywod

I don't really keep tabs on what's going on with famous actors and actresses. I would only know what's going on if I read the headlines or get some insider scoops from well... insiders. Ha ha ha... And everytime I listen to the stories, I always laugh it away. I mean, it's their life right? Does not effect me in any way.

But when I heard over the news that world's famous material girl and hubbs had finalise their divorce, I couldn't help but feel a little sad. Ha ha ha... I seriously don't know why. Maybe because they are amongst the famous and seem to be strong. But then again, when it comes to Hollywood, expect the unexpected eh? Honestly, I'm kinda waiting for the Becks to split up! Muahahaha...

Anyway, relationships. What more to say about them? There are ups and downs. No one couple is spared from the turbulance. Every couple will experience it. The difference will be the magnitude and how they react towards it.Sometimes a little thing can turn into a huge nothing and causes a lot more pain than a big thing that is handled wisely. It's a choice that we make that birth the difference.

So, let's not be all Hollywood in our relationships, eh? Every one wants to be rich. Or famous. or both. But, the fact is, rich famous people do not have everything. Because God is fair, He gives some, He holds back some. And all these are because the choices that we make.

A casual talk with a customer resulted with me pondering these words: Nak kaya atau nak berjasa? (get rich or do good deeds?) - Couldn't we be both? Well, that's another story... :-)

This morning...

on the messenger...

Jade: You tak call I pun.... :-(
CapalPerak: Darling, I baru je abis buat keje kat dapur
Jade: Bukan this morning, semalam la...
CapalPerak: Owh.. I call. You jawab dengan begitu mamai sekali
Jade: Huh? Really?
CapalPerak: Cuba you check your call history...
Jade: (checking... checking.. uiks! mmg ada!)
Jade: I have no memory of that call... (as in aku tak ingat ler...)
CapalPerak: Ha ha ha ha

I was not annoyed or angry that he didn't call (as what I wrongly remembered). It's just a standard conversation that we have sometimes whenever either one of us seemed too caught up to pick up the phone and call. :-p

On the other hand, it is a fact that CapalPerak has to face my occasional emotion roller coaster every now and then. And how does he handle it everytime? With grace. I have to admit he's the patient one in this relationship. Me? Ha ha ha... I'm the Miss I-want-it-now-and-I-mean-yesterday. Lucky for me, he knows to let me rant my absurdity off and leave me be to stew. Coz he knows I will drag my feet and crawl back. :-p

So, I'm thankful. And to you mi amor, I can't promise to change, but I'll do better, okeh?