It's cold

One of my favourite authors is Nora Roberts. I know some people would consider paper back novels are time waster. I think I've mentioned before this that one of my escapism method is to read. So, I read things that make me feel good, things that take my mind of the real world. If I wanted to read on finance or economy or the next political aspiration, I would, I just don't see why I should if my intention is to escape.

As I read another one of her novels, I'm again reminded why I like her writings. It's her ability to create phrases with deep meaning and being honest at the same time. Her books are about relationships, and more. It's not only about the affinity between a man and a woman, but it is also about kinship. She writes about family and friends and how these people are vital to a person. Romance is just a side benefit of telling the story. Her centre is more about family and friendship. These can be seen in many of her trilogies and series.

She wrote about sisters or brothers, who share the same parents or not, separated for years or living under the same roof, each is valued for their individuality and differences. And she wrote so that people can accept it without being prejudiced or ashamed about it.

Actually, it's freezing cold in my office. Maybe it's just me, because my other colleagues seemed to be oblivious to the temperature. I'm sitting squatted on my chair and when not using my hands, my palms are underneath my butt. If I could move the mouse and make the keyboard work with telekinetic abilities, I would. Can this be learnt? When it's too cold I just cannot think. And my lazy mode is switched on. And it's difficult to get out of it and get active. I'm so lame and predictable, eh?

Today, I wonder, what does it take to get a man's honest attention. And I'm not talking about flashing flesh. And it's not like I have a target in mind to impress. I find myself looking around but not finding a worthy adversary. Today, I concluded that I'm tired playing around the way I do. It's time to move on. But I found myself afraid of what's to come. And I realised that being a sore-loser, I'm scared I'd fail again. Today, I admitted to myself that I've been giving the wrong impression of myself. Some would say I'm wild and untame. Few would see it as a facade. And none ever did. Today, I'm being honest to myself that what I gain so far is unfulfilling and I only managed to scar myself even deeper.

Two weeks back my horoscope said I should advertise that I'm ready for a relationship. I am ready to be loved. Stupid, eh? I laughed then. But I'm not now. Because there's a truth in it. How people treat you is how you present yourself on how you want to be treated. You set out as a body without a mind people will say you're stupid. You set out with emotionally with heart on the sleeve people deemed you a martyr. You go out being emotionally detached people look at you as unfeeling.

But we're wearing masks, aren't we? Otherwise, how else do we protect ourselves?

A prayer

I'm sure many of us are keeping abreast of what's going on in Palestine and Lebanon. I, ashamedly so, tried to block it off. Yes, I did. But negating the fact does not stop the bombing, shooting and massacre of innocent lives. Refusing to acknowledge what's going on and prefering to life in the limbo do not make things turn to the better.

I'm not a brave person. I shudder in terror everytime I see the images that are so graphic in the tele. My heart breaks everytime I see another lifeless child being carried away. I can only shed a tear when I see another mother raises her hand in agony, another wife cluctches her heart. It's heartbreaking. Why can't they see it? Feel it? There is not more humanity in this world.

But for Muslims, we know that this day will come. We have been told long time before where our sisters and brothers will suffer. But we never thought that it'll come in our time, did we? What can we do? What can we say? We blog to support. We donate to build. We talk to motivate. But the killing continues.

Please spend a minute today to make dua for our families over there. Make dua for our children who're losing their parents and siblings this very minute. May Allah have mercy on them and not prolong their suffering. May Allah take them to His grace and freedom. May the terror end sooner and the sinners brought to justice.

Weekend is here...

Received this in the email earlier this morning. So cliche. And so... ntah... duhh.. Got some truths la in them.. but to me, it's just a way of consoling the already grieved heart. Being optimistic. He he he... Me so bitter, eh?

1. I love you not for whom you are, but who I am when I'm by your side.
2. No person deserves your tears, and the one who deserves them won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you as you want them to, doesn't mean you're not loved with all his/her being.
4. A true friend is the one who holds your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be seated by his/her side and know you'll never have him/her.
6. Never stop smiling, not even when you're sad, you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
7. You may only be a person in this world, but for someone you're the world.
8. Don't spend time with someone who doesn't care spending it with you.
9. Maybe God wants you to meet many wrong people before you meet the right one, so when this happens, you'll be thankful.
10. Don't cry because it came to an end. Smile because it happened.
11. There will always be people who'll hurt you, continue trusting, just be careful.
12. Become a better person and be sure to know who you are before meeting someone new and hoping that person knows who you are.
13. Don't struggle so much, best things happen when not expected.
    

Looney Thursday 2nd helping

The weather made me put on Il Divo's CD. Although 'tis all lies and lies and lies, my heart went pitty pat over this:
...
I only wanna be the man
to give you everything I can
every day and every night
love you for all my life.
I don't wanna change the world
as long as you're my girl
it's more than enough,
just to be the man you love.
...
Huwaaa... Nak la jugak someone send me these kind of words. Heh! You see I'm a woman to love (curik these words from that movie... aper ke namanyer... ala... Jack Nicholson and that lady tuh... iskk.. Diane something...). So if you have any lesser than that, then I am not worthy/too worthy (pick whichever you want, yes, I'm being diplomatic) for your attention. Ehek! Ehek! Boleh ke macam tu? Tentu saja, bukan?

Anyway, I went to the client's office this morning. Just before afternoon. I had to register at the guard post, which is not unusual. I was a little irritated because I had to park my car further away from the guard post and walked to it to register. But I put my stage smile on and gave my ID. It was hard to maintain the facade when the guard taking my deets was a bit rabun and also a bit deaf. Hehe... I kid you not. But then, I was almost laughing eventhough I muttered under my breath as I walked back to the car and drove into the compound.

Another thing on my mind now. I'm sure most of us have friends on our messenger lists that we don't chat with at all anymore. For different reasons, right? But it's just too harsh to delete them off from the list especially when they have a special place in our hearts, right? But how do you deal with the hurt that stabs you everytime you see them online? Yes, I'm being a bit dramatic, I am after all the cry baby cum drama queen. I know some people might not give a second glance and just delete these people of, but I just can't. I'm melancholic that way. Heh! Maybe I should just delete them off. Duhh.. Buang masa je kan? Not worth a dime of my precious time, kan? He he he..

Looney Thursday

Overhead on the FlyFM Bad Comedy Thursday:

Q: What does the necklace say to the hat?
A: You go ahead, I'll just hang around.

Q: What does the necktie say to the neck?
A: I'll just hang around.

Q: What do you get when you steamroll Batman and Robin?
A: Flatman and Ribbon

Now, I don't get it. Is it just me or those ARE actually bad jokes? Maybe it's just me and I really need that remote vacation Vedd is suggesting.

Okay. I just did a test. I asked the first question to my colleague and she laughed. I asked the third one and she laughed too except she didn't get why Robin becomes ribbon. Beats me, I said.

Heh! Call me blur. Call me oblivious. Maybe I am. In fact I'm asking my colleague repeatedly why were those funny. And she couldn't explain. Heh!

If you've known me for quite some time, you'd know I appreciate a hearty laugh and I enjoy comedies. In fact I prefer to watch romantic comedy than romantic drama. Because life is one huge comedy. :-p There I go, being philosophical again.

But can anyone please explain why I didn't get the jokes?

On another note, I'm going demented with the way my boss managing things. Well, you'd say who wouldn't, right? But seriously, I've never worked for a helter-skelter manager before and it's taking a toll on me. He runs here and there looking busy, but so far nothing is accomplished satisfactorily. He loves to organise one meeting after another, without conclusion and action. And most importantly he adores last minute instructions. That is, his instructions to his subordinates. Hmm... I might be making it worse than it is, but that's exactly what's happening now. He makes promises to the clients but never actually act on it. And when the clients are screaming for the tenth of thousand times (exaggerating again) he makes new promises.

Please someone, offer me a way out from this kookie bin. I know.. I know.. I'm a looney puff but I'm looney in a stable kind of way. Hehe... And I keep my deranged state to myself, except when I'm blogging. And I don't put people in difficult position. And I like people. And I want to help people. And I want to goreng with kicap put a little spice and make people believe that I have the solution for all their troubles. I am the almost-perfect (because nothing is perfect, you see...) psycho-consultant anyone ever dreamed of.

Seriously, isn't there any opening to work for secret organisations or undercover operations that needs a blur-looking-lady-who-can-act-half-her-age-with-a-blink-of-the-eyes anywhere?

I need my caffeine fix.

Too much of nothing

When I feel suffocated by all that's happening around me, by people who impose too much, expect too much, talk too much, when everything that I do or say seem to make things worse, when events are not to my expectation and things don't go my way, I just drop everything.

I would switch on the TV, eyes on the set but not watching neither hearing. I would open a book and read and turn the pages without knowing what I read. I would drive aimlessly, arriving at an unplanned destination. Then I would walk blindly expecting other people to move away. I would eat an expensive meal without appreciating the taste.

In short, I leave the real world and get on the limbo haze. Or I would just sit down and watch the paint dry or stare to nothingness.

Luckily this situation don't happen very often. One day I might find myself walking into the wall!

Escapism. That's what it is. But it's temporary. Because by the end of this therapeutic ride I will still face the world. Except this time I would be at a stage where I can see the situation two steps away, without getting too emotional. But sometimes, it backfires. Well, you can't really have everything go your way everytime, can you?

Sometimes, it's just too much to handle. I just want to let go and let nature take its course. But I can't. So I limn the life that I want in my mind, visualising it, trying to make it a reality. Sometimes I succeed, other times I'm subdued. But that's way the world go round, isn't it?

Conversation No 2

Phone rings. Caller ID shows someone that should be ignored. But...

Jade: Hell-o.
He: I just want to let you know about the SMSes that you sent.
Jade: Ok-kay...
He: I don't have the phone with me all the time. I'm busy. I cannot be expected to reply to them promptly.
Jade: You could always reply when you don't have anything else to do.
He: Yes, but by that time, I've already received another one maybe two more because I did not reply the first one.
Jade: You could just try explaining. It should be enough.
He: I cannot take this. My family cannot understand, what more you. And that's not your fault.

Silence on the other end.

He: Jade... are you there?
Jade: When I sent the SMS I really needed your help.
He: I know. But you always send SMS when you're already out.
Jade: Errr...
He: Do you know how I feel everytime I receive your SMS?
Jade: Urmm.. are you calling just to tell me all these? (Spoken softly.. cause Kim Possible on Disney Channel is more interesting by the minute...)
He: No. I'm out now.
Jade: Okay.. So, are WE going out then?
He: I am invited to this XYZ function as guest of honour.
Jade: Oh.. Okay. Good for you.
He: But my boss found out that she'll be sitting on the same table as me so she called the organiser to rearranged my sitting.
Jade: She's a biatch.
He: So I'm not going to the function.
Jade: Okay.
He: I'm near by your place, can you be ready in 15 minutes?

Conversation No 1

He: Do you know why I love you?
Jade: You can't love someone without knowing that person...
He: Because of the books that you read.
Jade: Huh?
He: Not many people would read what you read.
Jade: It's just a book.
He: Yes, but you're reading it.
Jade: Ok.
He: And do you know why I like you?
Jade: Coz I'm cute?
He: That too. You're honest. You've got style. You carry yourself well. I like the way you dress.
Jade: You're not in love. You just think you're in love. You're in lust.
He: That goes without saying. But I really love you.
Jade: Yeah right.
He:I can have real conversation with you.
Jade: Uh huh..

tah apa apa tah

Can you be jealous of someone that you've never met? Actually, the question is, is it possible to be jealous of someone you don't know who knows someone that you've never met intimately?

Hehe... Did you get that?

It's crazy sometimes. I'm going to borrow this line from Julie Garwood's book. You can't control who you're attracted to. It can be instantaneous.

And it just sucks big time. Especially when you keep on getting attracted to the very wrong right person all the time. Duhh.. it's emotionally draining. He's the right guy because when you're with him everything is sugar and spice and everything nice. He's wrong because for all different reasons. He's taken, otherwise occupied, has tattoo, etc.

In short, life is simple like Mr Han said. But living it is not. Hahaha.. maybe DNAS is right. I am complicated sokmo.

jade: women are like potato chips
jade: men couldn't eat just one
he: huh?
he: u mean?
jade: i didn't come out with it
jade: an author did
he: ok... it was supposed to be funny or some serious statement by the author?
jade: hmm.. it's a dialogue of one of the characters
jade: it supposed to be a lame excuse
he: oh ok...
he: coz it can definitely be vice versa as well
jade: yes it does
he: tau takpe
jade: men are like babies
jade: they cry for attention
he: really??
he: i think women are also like that...
jade: women don't CRY for attention
jade: they HOPE to be noticed
jade: hahaha
he: we're all humans... men n women have the same values
he: the thing is one always think the opposite sex is not good enough
he: be it men or women
jade: because they feel that they are not good enough for their partners
jade: but rather than admit it out loud
he: maybe u've seen too few "real" men
jade: they look for faults in their partner
jade: actually.. come to think of it.. i haven't exactly meet a real man
he: how can u generalize like tat??
jade: generalise?
he: yeah.. how can u say men find faults..
jade: correction
jade: i didn't say men
jade: i say they
jade: and that includes women too
he: lerrr
jade: because it was my response to your statement
he: u started kutuking men
jade: "be it men or women"
he: mmmm
he: u havent found one??
he: or u were too oblivious to notice the one
jade: heh
jade: nope.. haven't found one
he: u can't say u havent found a real man.. maybe u havent found the man of urs
he: the man that u've been dreaming of
he: the man that u want him to be
jade: hahaha
jade: "dreaming of"
jade: that's all it'll ever be...
he: hahaha

The cat that got away

They say, "Love makes the world go round". They also say, "Make love not war". They even crank joke about, "Love thy neighbours, God will love thou". Love, in short, is a spectacle to bewitched by.

Love makes people do crazy things. War broke because love of the black gold. People get murdered because of jealous lovers. Husbands left wives for another love. Wives cheat husbands because they are loved by someone else. People get involve with people they have no business to get involve with because they want a dash of love. Perfume designers make tonnes of money because they sell scents of love.

Love makes people cry, rich, laugh, kill, dead, happy, hug, etc. Love moves the world. Love in good hands will bloom and flourish and feed the people with its sense of belonging and security. Love in bad hands will seduce us to its darker side. Nothing in this world is totally free of evil.

None that we see is really black or white. Everything has shade of gray. It's up to us to acknowledge the presence of the grey matter or choose to be ignorant. And most of us are so righteous of rights and wrongs and end up being judgemental if actions are not according to the book.

Tell me something, Zidane might not be a practising Muslim, but if it was really true the reason of the heady action has something to do with religion as well, where does that put him in God's grace? Now, say someone that you've seen around being righteous and goody two shoes all the time, but steals behind everyone's back, where does this person stands?

You see, we are all humans. And we go by human rules. But when it comes to faith and religion, lets live it to Him. No one knows what happen behind closed doors, unless of course you secretly install a hidden camera. But He knows. He's the only one who has the say and to give verdict if a person is worthy of His presence. Let's not elect ourselves to be the mediator. The relationship between a person and God is direct. We talk directly to him. We don't need a middle-man.

Man, I digressed too much. Ha ha ha... Today is a good day. I can feel it in my nerves. Maybe I should go back home this lunch hour and pack my gym bag. I planned to skip gym this morning, but I found out now I'm sort of addicted to the stepper machine. Hmm... And maybe, just maybe today I might bump into someone interesting.

Lovely mortals, enjoy your Tuesday.

"Life is simple. You make a choice. You don't look back." - Han, The Fast and The Furious Tokyo Drift.

Sunday Musing

I don't think about getting married or not. Much. But when my mak starts to talk about kenduri kahwin here and there, I stop mid-sentence. I push the mute button when my abah starts to say something. It's very unusual for him to say anything along that topic. About me getting cozy up with another man. Hmm...

And today to top it all off for the week, my brother, suggested to me to get married to Dr. Fazley. Yea, that famous singer-motivator-party planner. My brother said, now that Siti Nurhaliza doesn't want him, you go for it, kakak! Duhh... I don't know Dr. Fazley, but from afar, he's not really my cup of tea.

Anyway, love is so over-rated nowadays. I hear people throw the three words quite often. But they don't value the weight. And if that makes me jaded and sceptical, so be it.

Sometimes I wish I'm just a fish swimming lazily in the pond. Or better yet in a river. Free to roam wherever it may wish and with every single second of its life, praising the Almighty Lord. I figure they don't have too many things to worry. If they get caught and be eaten, that's just another value added to their lives. I'm babbling.

I'm an idealist and realist. I'm a sceptic and a romantic. Yes, a bit complicated I know. It's easy for me to care for someone. I just need to like him or her and think of them more than just casual friends. I look for good in people it just make my life easier. Even if I get stood up, I make excuses for them. Hey, I got all riled up, but it's just a waste of effort to be mad. And life is all about fun and games. If you concentrate too much on the tears, you lose the laughter that is all around you. So I can be weird at times, but if it makes me happy and it doesn't put anyone else in misery, just let me be.

Yes, it's easy for me to care. But it's not usual for me to throw the 'L' word. So, if you hear it from me, it must be something else. He he he. And care should be taken. For the line between love and hate is very thin. And when I say I don't, I mean it.

I'm babbling again. But it's Sunday. And it's a freaking hot one.

Destination: Akuaria

How apt it was to rain the moment I drove out from the carpark. My heart was heavy, my mind a mess. But of course, the soft rain did no justice to the thunder in me. I did not exactly have an idea where was I going. Home was too confined. No walk in the park either. So, I just kept on driving and found myself heading towards KLCC.

By the time I did some window shopping, I felt lighter. My haven, Kinokuniya, did not offer me any solace though. So I went down to the food court and had my lunch.

I walked the spaghetti off en route to Akuaria. If I ever met the person who designed the walk way, I'll tell him the idiot he is. Why couldn't you build a tunnel withouht having the people walking through the carpark? Why couldn't you sacrifice those several parking lots for the safety and comfort of the pedestrians? Of all the world's idiotic thing to do.

Anyway, having other things to be annoyed about took my mind off the things that bother me. I'm feeling better now. Although I expect it to be only awhile.

I need a new job. A new environment. Maybe I should move to a new continent... :-P

Zombie Day

I'm feeling like a zombie. I might even look like one. No, it's not because of the early morning match (bravo for the French, by the way. sob sob). In fact it's on a total different reason. Late night movie. Superman Returns.

What do I have to say about the movie? Hmm... I don't feel particularly ecstatic that he came back and fought the evil once more. There is no continuation from the previous movies. The dialogue was weak. Really. There was this one scene where Lois was explaining to Superman that Clark told her the possible reason on why Superman left. And Superman reaction was, "Clark?" and Lois answered, "A guy that I work with". Now... correct me if I'm wrong, but in the previous movies, it was made clear that Clark is close to Superman as well. And I don't understand the obvious distance between Clark and Lois, Clark and Jimmy, Lois and Jimmy. It's like they've never been through life together before. The movie is just... wrong.

I don't know, maybe I'm not really into this Superman thingy and I admit I don't read the comic (I read Wira Tunggal though!) but what little I know about Superman and Clark and the people around him is much more than this. Maybe it's the actors and actresses. Maybe it's the screen play. But the dialog was lame. Imagine Lois's ease of stepping on Superman's feet and then acted surprise when she was actually hovering over the air with Superman. Like duhh?? She's been flying with that living bullet proof for years.

"The film is magnificently mounted, it moves like a speeding bullet and it's so respectful of Superman traditions that even the pickiest of die-hard fans should love it."

-- William Arnold, SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER

Well, I'm sorry Mr Anorld, the movie moves like a constipated snail. But then again, I'm not a professional critic. In fact, the rating at RottenTomatoes is quite high. I shall say no more. Go and watch if you want. But if you don't you don't lose anything.

--------------------------

So, it's been almost a month for me freequenting the gym. I wish I could do the BodyBalance class everyday. It really helps to sooth the nerves. He he he... No, I'm not a hypochondriac. I found myself to be low on the patience level and that doesn't make me feel good. Today, is my one to one session with the personal trainer. Looking forward to it, but lazy at the same time. But I've got my Superman backpack in the car.

I think I'm being too hard on myself. Once a friend told me that I want to move too fast in life. I want to have everything instead of living the day as it is. Well, I'm just tired of watching other people getting into the game and winning you see. So, I want my piece of the cheese cake too. But it seems like it's not going to happen anytime soon. And I am forced to wait. Something that I'm not really good at when it come to my on self preservation. But I realise now, maybe because of this attitude of living two steps ahead, when I suppose to live for now, that I'm always moving two steps backward. Please people, if you have any suggestion, let me know. Help me to live on here and now.

Adios.

Bola Itu Bulat

Song snippet for today:

...
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all
...

The ball is indeed round. And in footie anything can happen. So, the host succumbed to defeat in their own territory. Just to prove that having the benefit of home ground does not guarantee success. Just to acknowledge that victory can be achieved elsewhere. But I digressed...

Between Germany and Italy, personally I prefer they met at the finals. But that was not meant to be. Until Brazil's defeat last weekend, I was sure that the Brazilians will meet the Germans in the finals. I'm sure most expected that. I'm sad they lost, but I'm glad England lost too. Not overly enthusiastic, just glad. They are a bunch of pompous arses. So is the French. I hope they lost.

Truth is, I don't have any expectation anymore out of WC2006. All my teams have lost. Except Italy. So, I wish all the luck in the world to 'em Azzurri.

I watched this, the other day. I don't know how many times I've watched it. And I'm sure I can watch it again and again. The love-sick 12 year old. The unorthodox young prime minister (I just lurve Hugh Grant). Etcetra, etcetra. The movie might not be an award winning show, but the message of love is there.

Love transgress languages and geographical location. Love does not recognise social status or the job you have. You can't will someone to love you nor can you will yourself to love. It just is.

The message is heavy. But I think the director managed to pull it off nicely making sure the story line is light enough. It's all about love and feelings in this movie. Oh, there are few on lust too; the devilish secretary and the teenage boy who flew across the continent to use up a haversack full of condoms. I still can't stop chuckling everytime I thought about Rowan Atkinson's small part in the movie.

So, when you love someone, what do you do? You tell them, right? But do you expect to be loved back the same way you love them? Yes? No? Well, you shouldn't actually. Love is supposed to be unclinging. Without preservations. Without obligation. If the person feels the same way, hey, good for both of you. But if not, the love should be cherished. The friendship or relationship that you have should not be destroyed.

Anyway, I'm babbling. Still waiting here. Hallo!! Anyone out there? Ha ha ha... I believe there is place and time for everything. And there is someone for everyone. And everything happens for reasons that you might or might not understand. One thing for sure, is acceptance. And patience. God, please grant me the patience that I need and the wisdom to choose if I need to. :-)

Ciao.

No Title

How can a person be at the same time reliable AND unreliable?

You don't need to be in love to feel heartbreak.

Heh. I just need to let those two statements out. They kept playing back in my head while driving to my parents'.

I hate dealing with this one particular bank. I rue the day I decided to engage their services. Well, blame it on immaturity. I was young back then. And in my younger days I made a lot of stupid silly decisions. I still do, I guess, but with more caution. He he he... Ironic, isn't it? Being cautiously silly. I'm not making a lot of sense I know. I was venting out my frustration when the officer blatantly asked me, trying to be sarcastic of course, "Cik Jade, you kerja kat bank ke?" That immediately put my back up and I said, "Eh... jangan la cakap macam ni. I am trying to find out what's the hiccup and you're supposed to help me". He didn't even have the audacity to say sorry. Duhh...

Anyway, I hope I don't have to deal with the bank again. Once the sentence is completed, I shall never look back to the bank for any services. Oh... did I tell you that I was transferred to 10 different numbers before I get to speak to the correct officer in-charge?