When I Sincerely Get It…

I remember those days when I was still dateless, boyfriendless, partnerless. When I was on my own. And my friends, most of them were married, some with two and a half kids.

I remember, those days, though my family members were not hounding me about getting married anymore but was secretly wondering and hoping, as well as soundlessly indirectly hounding me about getting married. When not so close friends, or just found long lost friends still asking why I was still single; do I hate men, do I swear off marriage, or just secretly wondering whether I was well... not straight.

I remember amidst all that feeling left out, wondering why the coupledom train did not stop at my station. I recall doubting my self worth and principle. Whether I should just settle to get things over and done with. I remember feeling envious of my engaged or married or just dating friends. Although I was happy for them, I felt jealous that I don't have that significant other to share my day with.

So, I ranted about men in general, as much as I knew personally, directly or indirectly, through own experiences and observation. I talked about relationship as I see it, why they work and why they might just be a disaster. I wrote about how women should take control and be strong to speak up to make the relationship work for them too, so that they can be contented and happy too. I blogged about love and my idea of unconditional love and true love.

You must wonder where I am going with this lengthy prologue. Well it goes back at the door of my current life.

I have shared with some close friends about the recent changes that are happening in my life and even blogged about it. I tell the world about the happiness and the magical point at this stage of my life. And I knew as I was telling it, that people perception and acceptance will differ; whether they are my family members, close friends or strangers.

I knew that people will be happy for us, but depending on where they are in their lives there will be some mixed feelings. So, how could I begrudged them when I felt the same way in some what similar situation at a different stage of my life?

I just hope that as go through my life and moving on to mid-life (oh my God!) I will still have all the friends that I have now, single (if there still is!), married just-the-two-of-us or married with brood and bunches. I sincerely hope so.

Bottom line, I get it. I understand. So, anytime peeps, if you need to get away from me, just to recollect yourselves, anytime. I understand. And I still love you. Hey, I’m an aquarian after all. ;-)

At 12 Weeks

It was my second check up with Dr. Siti Zaleha in Tawakal Hospital yesterday. We arrived slightly late, just about ten minutes after 9a.m. but I saw that our turn would be later. The doctor was away for her rounds, so we went for second breakfast at Yusuf Haslam’s join. Apparently, according to Mak, that’s where you see the whos in the entertainment industry. Ha ha ha…

We went back up and I suggested we take a look at the maternity ward. We bumped into our doctor as we stepped out from the lift. And The Hubby wanted us to go down immediately. Ha ha ha.. So, we waited for the next lift and went down. To a waiting area which was full with couples already.

As we waited, we passed the time chatting. And when the couple seated next to us went inside, we wondered when our turn would be. When they came out, there was a little commotion. Apparently the woman was feeling contractions already and she is to be admitted immediately. The Hubby started to get anxious while I was unexplainably, excited. Ha ha ha…

When our turn came, we sort of sighed in relief. It was almost 11:30am. And my flu (did I forget to mention that I was having flu and it’s been like that for a couple of days?) was getting worse. I kept on sneezing. After few words, the Dr. Siti ushered me to the bed. They have rearranged the bed and screens and I just look forward to watch.

The Baby was playing actively! Hands and feet were moving. At one point, The Baby turned its head towards the scanner and it seemed as if it was waving to us! Next, it was sliding from left to right which made The Hubby exclaimed in surprise, “What’s it doing?!”. Dr. Siti calmly replied that The Baby was just moving. She tried to get the hearbeat, but it went on and off because The Baby did not stay put. I was totally amazed and humbled.

It is an indescribable feeling. Anyone who has not seen this miracle before, whether you’re married or not yet, a parent or not, would feel the same, I suppose. Having said that I will not say, “Quick! Have a baby!” to anyone who has not. Yes, it’s very, very exciting but we must always remember that this is a rezeki and amanah that is bestowed. And for this, it has its own place and time.

Dr Siti gave me two days MC to let the flu settle. I told her I was downing Ribena all the while and not taking any medicine for it. So, she prescribed flu med and also gastric tablets to prepare for fasting month. I told her I planned to test fast today and so far, I’m doing well. Just minor headache in the afternoon and major thirst, but I’m alright. Tomorrow, I will again fast, but this time, off to work!

This morning, just before The Hubby went to work, there was a photo moment, when he sat beside me looking at The Baby’s ultrasound picture. His face was serene and just perfect. I did not have my camera handy, or else, it would make a very nice black and white photo. As it is, the moment is plastered in my memory, and hopefully relayed to The Baby. Isk.. Isk.. Syahdu pulak…

Most Unsettling Occurrences

I have been blessed in so many ways. I have nothing to complain but to always be grateful. I may not have so much excess monetarily, but in its place I am bestowed with other grandeurs and pleasures. And to always be thankful for what we have, we must always accept sincerely that Allah knows best and He give us what we need; not necessarily what we want.

While some people upon marital bliss, feel obliged(?) to dictate (advise sternly?) to their single friends or would-be wives the best course of managing the household plus the husband, I personally feel inadequate. In fact, I have no intention of giving unsolicited opinion when it comes to husband and wife relationship. For each couple is different.

However, there is one matter which disturb me gravely. As this matter happens to some of my friends, I am sure it is happening to those I am not privy of. Bottom line, husbands are providers. This person whom a wife has promised to stay true, putting her livelihood and future in his hands is the person who is ultimately responsible for the household matters and future of the family.

I have heard; in confidence; repressed feelings from those who are dear to me that their partners are not taking up the responsibility of providing. Whilst the husbands spend money on their hobbies and time with their friends, they apparently have forgotten to do two crucial things. Spend money on the household and time with the family (wife and kids).

Some husbands apparently take for granted the fact that their wives are career women. Thus, these capable ladies are not given pocket money, grocery money even money to buy the baby’s milk powder and essentials. Let’s not even touch money for the wives to buy their own clothes! In worst cases, the wives are the ones providing for the husbands…

I understand that in some household, the wives are the breadwinners, because they earn better pay. But that does not exclude the husbands from their responsibilities as the man of the house. Owh, they require the wives to treat them like a king, cook daily (maybe), clean the house, do the washing and so on. But they neglect to make the wives feel like a partner, instead of just a servant. It is sad, but it happens.

Relationship is a two-way street. Husbands are wise to remember that having a wife who could stand on her own is not a ticket to responsibility freedom, but that shows she does not need a man to live her life. Therefore, she could in any time, go to the Religious Department to request for the marriage to be annulled on the grounds of irresponsible husband. However, we don’t really see this happening, because wives after all are stoic creatures. Ever so loyal, ever so loving. That’s how women are built. We endure.

Until the day we choose to endure no more.

But, once children are in the calculation, there is another consideration. However, I personally feel that rather than have a harebrained of a husband as a role model for the kids, the women in this predicament, should they able to stand on their own, must be brave enough to do so. Make their stand. Yes, this is a little revolutionary, but we women must always prepare for rainy days. Hope and pray for the best, but always be prepared if the sun is fated to disappear.

Why I Adore Edward Cullen

… as I adore Bill the True Blood Vampire, Angel the Vampire with Soul, Blade the Day Walker.

They all have tortured hero persona about them. Ha ha ha… Except for Blade, the rest of them are very gentleman in their vamp self.

Take Edward Cullen for example. He is the perfect man in every woman’s fantasy. Gentle yet firm. Kind with hidden violence against wrongs. He is also puts his woman’s happiness above everything else. Not to mention always thinking about his woman in everything he does. A perfect man. And as perfection goes, it only lives in the fantasy world.

Look at Jacob Black. He is your everyday man. Impatient. Childish. Always believe that he’s right all the time. While he has some commendable characteristics, his antagonism speaks louder. Very persuasive and manipulative in getting everything to his way. Clearly, real woman prefers more matured man. This emotive beastly man speaks heavy baggage and could drain a woman dry. And he’s not even a vampire!

I watched Eclipse last night with The Hubby. The Hubby could hardly contain his gag reflex every time the characters (especially Edward) utter a very cheesy line. What can we say? The lines were written by a woman, from a woman’s perspective, to feed a woman’s fantasy. Because in our dreams, our men speaks to us in ways that melt our hearts every time. Who needs the reality when you’re traversing across the pages of a romantic novella, non?

Honestly though, I could not be melting every single time my man opens his mouth. That would be totally messy and physically draining, wouldn’t it? Hmmm… I certainly hope that line does not come with a double meaning. Ha ha ha… What I mean is, after all the fantasy romance with the perfect man of our dreams, we are more willing to spend the rest of our lives with the likes of a real man. And as we know, a real man is really a boy with bigger toys (I’m quoting this line). If we’re lucky enough to get a man who’s maturity goes beyond Jake’s pathetic attempt at being an adult, then all the better. Even if we’re not, at least what we have is real.

Ps: I did offer The Hubby to sit out on Eclipse. I told him I could watch it on my own… But he insisted… I love my husband. Hi hi hi… 

 

Not Exactly F.A.T

This is how I have been feeling the past few weeks. My pants are getting tighter and tighter. So are my shirts. Baby Ts are now out of the question because my little tummy is peeking out underneath. Baggy T-shirts are the way to go. Sweat pants are heavenly.

But I don’t really care about walking into maternity stores while not yet exactly showing. I knew I have to get those clothes sooner or later. So, I decided, it’s okay to be sooner because I’m tired of wearing my pants unbutton or using the belly belt that makes me feel as if my pants will drop to my feet any minute! And I believe I look unsightly with my normal work shirts. Luckily I’m wearing my jacket these days since I’m stuck in the freezer room until this implementation phase is over.

I admit, it’s a bit unsettling when other people in the store are OBVIOUSLY pregnant! And I can feel their eyes on me. But i couldn’t care less. It’s my comfort that I am after and not society’s acceptance. Just because you don’t wear any maternity clothes before your 5th month, it doesn’t mean other people will do the same (This statement is dedicated to someone who looked surprised when she saw me with a shapeless gown the other day and said I’m wearing it too early. Ps: maybe because your non-pregnant clothes were sized XL? Sorry, was that rude?).

So, last week, I went to one of the stores and made some purchase. 3 pants, 3 tops, and I was flabbergasted with the total damage. And that is after 50% discounts! But I guess, that’s the price that you have to pay when you walk into those shops. Blurgh. I could go to one of the famous departmental stores, but when I saw the material, albeit the low price, I felt sad. So, to sooth my nerve, and my snobbish self, I guess, I just have to sacrifice a little more.

I’m happy with my purchase the other day. And today, I feel so relieved and relaxed with the pants, I could breathe easily and the top has more room than ever! InsyaAllah these clothes could be worn until full term and I know that’s money worth spent!

I am NOT fat. And yes, I am vain enough that I tell myself this almost everyday, almost every time I see myself in the mirror. Forgive me Allah, for committing one of the grievous sins one could commit… I am not perfect. I am only human. Sigh.

A New Beginning

My blog is going to get more and more domesticated. No more repressed feelings. No more bitter remembrances. Reason?

I’m looking to the future now. And nothing is going to stop me from doing just that.

See the new ticker above? Well, that’s what’s new in my life. In OUR lives. We are anxious and excited at the same time. I guess that is normal. The journey, albeit only 10 weeks, had been a slight roller coaster ride.

When we first found out, it was through the home test. Well, I was late, and I felt fat. And because I’m such an intelligent person (cheewaaahhh!) I sorta suspected it. Momster forced me to do the test while I was trying to be in limbo for a longer time. :-p

The Hubby was waiting anxiously for me to open the pregnancy test box. I didn’t know why it was so difficult to open it. He could not bear the suspense any longer and took the box away from me and ripped it open! Ha ha ha… Okay, “ripping it” is a bit to melodramatic because the box is still intact until today. But that’s just me describing the situation that night. It was before we went out to watch a movie. Hmmm… maybe he was afraid that we would be late for the movie! :-p

It was a plus sign. And we went to see the doctor near our house the next day. The doctor just took the pregnancy test from the night before as true and congratulate us. She asked us to come back in two weeks to do the first scan. I started on the folic acid. Later only that I knew, folic acid is supposed to be taken even before you get pregnant.

Few days later, I started to buy books. Ha ha ha… as below:

The last one is for The Hubby, of course! He he he… and let me tell you, I belief it has good impact on him. :-)

So, two weeks later we went to the same clinic for the follow up check-up. Owh… this is a dedicated maternity clinic and equipped with delivery room and maternity ward. Not that I had the chance to see around though. So, both of us are excited for the first scan. Just the other day The Hubby told me that I was glowing. He had such surprise in his face and I was reluctant not to believe him, because all I see in the mirror is my puffy face in the morning. Sigh.

The doctor ( a different lady doctor this time) asked the same questions while looking at my record from the previous visit. And she ushered me to the examining bed for the scan. After giving me a couple of minutes to get comfortable, she started to put the cool jelly on my slightly bloated tummy. It was a bit unpleasant actually, because of the pressure that she put. We saw the sac and The Hubby and I automatically linked our hands a while. And then, the bomb came. “Tak dapat cari heartbeat lah…” said the doctor (I cannot find the heartbeat).

I was speechless and immediately run through my head the things I did, the food I ate for the past weeks. I was kicked out from the gym by Mr Trainer, although I have not started working out yet. Just walked in and talking to him (with my gym bag on my shoulder of course). I was careful not to overdid the housework. I turned my head to look at The Hubby and my eyes started to teary… And the doctor suggested we scanned from below. I did not comprehend.

Until she started to change the scanner head and inserted it into a condom. Yikes! I was screaming in my head. It was VERY uncomfortable. And she still could not detect the heartbeat. Later her words to us; “Nak cuci sekejap jer, nak mengandung susah, so datang balik in two weeks lah yer?” (To clean it is fast, but to get pregnant is not easy, so come back in two weeks). I just nodded my head for whatever exchanged between The Hubby and the doctor was just a buzz to me.

The Hubby started to notice the change in me the moment we walked out from the room. I was very quiet. I was just feeling down. Later I shared the news with Momster and she told me to get second opinion. And since she had experience on miscarriage before she was being logical all the time. I tried to stay positive all week, but it was hard. And I could not bear it. So, I made an appointment to see another doctor, this time in Tawakal Hospital. It took place just a week after the sad visit.

Most of the operation in Tawakal Hospital just started at the new building that week. So, when we registered to see the doctor, we even get a goodie bag! We were the first couple to arrive, but had to wait a little while because they had problems with the network. I explained to the doctor about the situation and she quickly ushered me to the examining bed after checking my blood pressure.

The doctor explained that their scanner is 4D and I could see how big the difference is with the simple scanner in the maternity clinic. Not that I’m impressed by the look and size, because I was just dying to know whether I’m really carrying or if it’s a missed pregnancy. Less than a minute later the visual came up and I could clearly see the frantic movement in the sac. And the doctor said, “Tu, ada heartbeat.” (There’s the heartbeat). She switched on the audio and at that moment it’s the sweetest sound on earth, I swear. I didn’t realise that The Hubby and I were already holding hands. My eyes got teary and this time out of happiness. The doctor told me not to be worried. I think The Hubby was very relieved because he started to tell the doctor how I keep on worrying and feeling sad. So, I had a small lecture from the doctor because of that. And all I wanted to do was hug the doctor. But we just met, so I’ll save it for later I guess.

My next appointment was set a month from that date, which is end of this month, where I will complete my first trimester, InsyaAllah. Alhamdulillah. I’m happy with this new gift from The Almighty. And I pray all the good things for myself, The Hubby and our future child.

When I first knew I was pregnant, Momster was already a month or so ahead of me. It created such a bonding. And then I came to know her sister-in-law, who was my ex-colleague, Memey, was also pregnant, a week later than me. But as we rejoiced and get ready, many tests were put forward, like my case, and most recently, Memey lost hers. But I’m positive, and Momster concurred, that Memey will get re-pregnant very soon. Yes, I just invented a word I believe.

All in all, this tells us that we could only plan. And He is the one to decide for it to be or not to be. The Hubby and I did not plan to have kids so early, but we are being given the amanah to carry this miracle. So we accept wholeheartedly. I believe that everything will fall into place nicely because He will test us with tests that we could handle. If we were not sure about having a baby before, the scare we had confirmed that we actually want it. There you go. He knows what’s best for us and what we need. And who are we to question that, right?

So, here begins a new chapter in the Memoir of Looneypuff. It started out with me being all looney and girl power fighting machine. Well, I’m still all those, just not too intense like before. I was a sad person before. Always lamenting, always complaining, always feeling bereft and left out. But was always enjoying life to its fullest albeit the emptiness. I am now more grounded, I believe, and fulfilled. Alhamdulillah. And still enjoying life to the fullest!