A New Beginning

My blog is going to get more and more domesticated. No more repressed feelings. No more bitter remembrances. Reason?

I’m looking to the future now. And nothing is going to stop me from doing just that.

See the new ticker above? Well, that’s what’s new in my life. In OUR lives. We are anxious and excited at the same time. I guess that is normal. The journey, albeit only 10 weeks, had been a slight roller coaster ride.

When we first found out, it was through the home test. Well, I was late, and I felt fat. And because I’m such an intelligent person (cheewaaahhh!) I sorta suspected it. Momster forced me to do the test while I was trying to be in limbo for a longer time. :-p

The Hubby was waiting anxiously for me to open the pregnancy test box. I didn’t know why it was so difficult to open it. He could not bear the suspense any longer and took the box away from me and ripped it open! Ha ha ha… Okay, “ripping it” is a bit to melodramatic because the box is still intact until today. But that’s just me describing the situation that night. It was before we went out to watch a movie. Hmmm… maybe he was afraid that we would be late for the movie! :-p

It was a plus sign. And we went to see the doctor near our house the next day. The doctor just took the pregnancy test from the night before as true and congratulate us. She asked us to come back in two weeks to do the first scan. I started on the folic acid. Later only that I knew, folic acid is supposed to be taken even before you get pregnant.

Few days later, I started to buy books. Ha ha ha… as below:

The last one is for The Hubby, of course! He he he… and let me tell you, I belief it has good impact on him. :-)

So, two weeks later we went to the same clinic for the follow up check-up. Owh… this is a dedicated maternity clinic and equipped with delivery room and maternity ward. Not that I had the chance to see around though. So, both of us are excited for the first scan. Just the other day The Hubby told me that I was glowing. He had such surprise in his face and I was reluctant not to believe him, because all I see in the mirror is my puffy face in the morning. Sigh.

The doctor ( a different lady doctor this time) asked the same questions while looking at my record from the previous visit. And she ushered me to the examining bed for the scan. After giving me a couple of minutes to get comfortable, she started to put the cool jelly on my slightly bloated tummy. It was a bit unpleasant actually, because of the pressure that she put. We saw the sac and The Hubby and I automatically linked our hands a while. And then, the bomb came. “Tak dapat cari heartbeat lah…” said the doctor (I cannot find the heartbeat).

I was speechless and immediately run through my head the things I did, the food I ate for the past weeks. I was kicked out from the gym by Mr Trainer, although I have not started working out yet. Just walked in and talking to him (with my gym bag on my shoulder of course). I was careful not to overdid the housework. I turned my head to look at The Hubby and my eyes started to teary… And the doctor suggested we scanned from below. I did not comprehend.

Until she started to change the scanner head and inserted it into a condom. Yikes! I was screaming in my head. It was VERY uncomfortable. And she still could not detect the heartbeat. Later her words to us; “Nak cuci sekejap jer, nak mengandung susah, so datang balik in two weeks lah yer?” (To clean it is fast, but to get pregnant is not easy, so come back in two weeks). I just nodded my head for whatever exchanged between The Hubby and the doctor was just a buzz to me.

The Hubby started to notice the change in me the moment we walked out from the room. I was very quiet. I was just feeling down. Later I shared the news with Momster and she told me to get second opinion. And since she had experience on miscarriage before she was being logical all the time. I tried to stay positive all week, but it was hard. And I could not bear it. So, I made an appointment to see another doctor, this time in Tawakal Hospital. It took place just a week after the sad visit.

Most of the operation in Tawakal Hospital just started at the new building that week. So, when we registered to see the doctor, we even get a goodie bag! We were the first couple to arrive, but had to wait a little while because they had problems with the network. I explained to the doctor about the situation and she quickly ushered me to the examining bed after checking my blood pressure.

The doctor explained that their scanner is 4D and I could see how big the difference is with the simple scanner in the maternity clinic. Not that I’m impressed by the look and size, because I was just dying to know whether I’m really carrying or if it’s a missed pregnancy. Less than a minute later the visual came up and I could clearly see the frantic movement in the sac. And the doctor said, “Tu, ada heartbeat.” (There’s the heartbeat). She switched on the audio and at that moment it’s the sweetest sound on earth, I swear. I didn’t realise that The Hubby and I were already holding hands. My eyes got teary and this time out of happiness. The doctor told me not to be worried. I think The Hubby was very relieved because he started to tell the doctor how I keep on worrying and feeling sad. So, I had a small lecture from the doctor because of that. And all I wanted to do was hug the doctor. But we just met, so I’ll save it for later I guess.

My next appointment was set a month from that date, which is end of this month, where I will complete my first trimester, InsyaAllah. Alhamdulillah. I’m happy with this new gift from The Almighty. And I pray all the good things for myself, The Hubby and our future child.

When I first knew I was pregnant, Momster was already a month or so ahead of me. It created such a bonding. And then I came to know her sister-in-law, who was my ex-colleague, Memey, was also pregnant, a week later than me. But as we rejoiced and get ready, many tests were put forward, like my case, and most recently, Memey lost hers. But I’m positive, and Momster concurred, that Memey will get re-pregnant very soon. Yes, I just invented a word I believe.

All in all, this tells us that we could only plan. And He is the one to decide for it to be or not to be. The Hubby and I did not plan to have kids so early, but we are being given the amanah to carry this miracle. So we accept wholeheartedly. I believe that everything will fall into place nicely because He will test us with tests that we could handle. If we were not sure about having a baby before, the scare we had confirmed that we actually want it. There you go. He knows what’s best for us and what we need. And who are we to question that, right?

So, here begins a new chapter in the Memoir of Looneypuff. It started out with me being all looney and girl power fighting machine. Well, I’m still all those, just not too intense like before. I was a sad person before. Always lamenting, always complaining, always feeling bereft and left out. But was always enjoying life to its fullest albeit the emptiness. I am now more grounded, I believe, and fulfilled. Alhamdulillah. And still enjoying life to the fullest!