Words in My Head

There are times when I will be flooded by words and sentences. And (in)conveniently, I will not have pen and paper with me or in situation that allows me to type or write them down. There will be phrases after phrases raining down on me.

Sometimes I can hear people's voices actually speaking those words aloud. It's like a virtual/phantom soap opera in my head. I could feel the emotion that comes out from the words. I could hear background music playing.

And when this happens, I would be breathless, my heart beats faster and at the end of it, I would release a long deep breath, as if I am holding it in at the time it happens. And as quickly as those words come to me, they are gone an instance. And I feel utterly depressed. Because somehow I feel those words and voices could be important to me.

In fact, this post is a result of the words flooding my grey matter this morning. Only it sounded more beautiful at that time, and now that I come around and writing it down, some of the words and phrases are lost. It makes me feel sad. How can I retain those beautiful sentences and materialise them?

Too bad I don't play any musical instrument. Because if I do see musical notes in my head, I would be one kick-hat song writer; like someone I know. :-)

What do I do? How can I make it last longer until I can find ways to put it down on paper? If I start to grab the nearest person with a pen and paper, I'd be arrested, wouldn't I? Maybe some harassment suit?

And sometimes, I feel words are leaving me indefinitely. It sounds crazy, I know. I'm reading what I'm writing and I know it sounds weird. But that's how it feels like. Sometimes it's like reaching through a void just to get the right words out and they just slide by me. Playful, playful, naughty words. Making me feel inadequate.

I don't use to be this way. Like I have said many times before, words used to be a steady flow to me. They come, they stay, until I get to let it out. Everytime it's into my blog. I have been writing online for about five years now. All those years. Putting feelings into words.

I suddenly am seeing the err of my ways. Those days, I write what I feel. True enough. The difference with now is that I was writing to please myself. To relief myself off the pressure or sadness or anger or frustration. And maybe because of what I felt, the words stayed and only let go when I wanted to.

These days, I am happy. A more positive life. However, words are leaving me without my being in control. And the reason is because... I become impatient for the next good thing that will come. Instead of basking in the moment and let it swarm me breathless.

Some people say I am one complicated woman. Some say there are a lot of things going on in my head. I guess, both are true because one cannot be without the other. And I tell you a secret, I have strong emotions; what I mean is that my feelings on something that matters are very, very intense. And a lot of things matter to me. Family, friends, work, life, environment. You name it, I can just find a way to tell you how they matter a lot to me.

I need a break. I have to stop here right now. I hit something important but I just cannot put my finger on it. I need to think.