Not Today

Okay, so I thought, how hard could it be to actually love someone, eh? Given time, God willing, that familiar feeling will blossom.

Then I stop to think. Hey, wait, how exactly that familiar feeling feels? For the love of me, I could not remember! Maybe it has been too long since the last I dare to confess such tremendous adoration. Or maybe I subconsciously do not want to remember, what with all the heartaches and heartbreaks and mental disorder (okay, this is exaggerating) that I've been through. Maybe I am just jaded and couldn't care less. Ha ha.

I can easily care for people, especially when they are always nice to me. But caring is far from being in love, isn't it? Don't get me wrong, I am not desperate to fall in love. I have learnt that it cannot and will not be forced. It either grows in you or it's just there.

I remember those years when I gave it all. Not a very bright thing to do, but there you go. That's Jade for you. Wearing her heart on her sleeves, or... was it... nahh.. never mind. Anyway, I loved and lost. And I loved unconditionally. And maybe, that's the problem.

These days, I find myself easily getting extremely annoyed on things that I found silly or wasting my time or just plain boring. Not that I think highly of myself, but at times, too much of silliness is just beyond me and I feel as if I do not have time to play games of heart or being in the state of unsure. DNAS will say I'm being complicated again. :-p

Maybe it's aging process. Ha ha. I like being silly and childish, but not all the time. I enjoy time wasting banter but not always. I do not mind explaining to clarify things, and repeat myself once or twice, but not more than that. I can be goofy in an instant. I'm eccentric. I'm funny. I feel guilty when I had to walk on the floor that has just been mopped by the cleaner. I am sad to see old people still working as security guards or cleaners. I cry seeing kids in the hospital. I don't like my meal to be interrupted with blind people with fully functional escorts. A friend told me once he became more charitable when he was going out with me.

I love music that suits my mood at the moment. I listen to chanel 111 in the mornings while preparing to go to work and have my breakfast. I watch cartoons. I adore Spongebob Squarepants. I have emotional attachment to Balthazar, the actor AND the character. I love babies, they are so cute and smell nice all the time. I adore the male gender, their stupidity is beyond my comprehension yet their compassion sometimes amaze me.

And I digressed too much, I forgot what I wanted to say in the first place. Ha ha. Short term memory lost, like Dory in Finding Nemo.

Now, today you know more about Jade. This is not merely a posting. This is self-revelation. Why I do it, I don't know. Maybe I'm just beginning to see the real me.