First Night Without Him

My first night without The Hubby saw me reminiscing the night before the akad; and our solemnisation day. :-) Cheesy, I know.

As much as I wanted to sleep early that night, it was just not possible. I am sure it is the same for any bride-to-be. I typed a blog post just before the florist arrived with my wedding bouquet. My clothes were hanged behind the door, frozen in time, ready to be worn.

My heart, it just could not be still. One would think that at this age, there are no more goose bumps or butterflies in the stomach. One would be certainly wrong. I felt those things; images of life before and life in future keep appearing one after another. There was dread, happiness, sadness and gladness. I was a myriad of feelings.

My matron-of-honor was already in la-la land after a tiring session of helping creating the bridal abode. I had the image in my mind of how my room should look like, and I managed to make it happen. Some would say it's too ordinary for a bridal room, but I was not shooting for neither extravagant nor luxurious. Just elegance, inviting with dashes of romance. I believe I achieved it. I was satisfied. Somehow I managed to close my eyes and went to sleep.

And, I woke up earlier than everyone else; with the exception of Mak. I guess, any mother-of-the-bride would also be anxious and restless. Months of preparation only for that one single day. The house was quiet and there was a spiritual moment for me where a voice seemed to be saying; "You are a wife now". A happy tear actually came, and in that magical moment I was enveloped in a sense of security, blessedness and happiness.

I had an early breakfast probably before 7 am. By that time, all my family members are up and about. Making last minute to-dos.

Soon, Zai came to start the "briding" process. Ha ha ha... I love her work. Understated with elegance. Like my other preparation, the nikah and reception dresses were also with simple elegance in mind. They are exactly like the designs that I made; and more.

I remember the fast beating of my heart when I was told that the groom's entourage will be late. I remember feeling annoyed. I remember his voice getting annoyed when he heard my annoyed response. Ha ha ha... I remember too, I forgot a piece of accessory for the dress; a brooch, but was reminded by Sharky, my matron-of-honour. Thank God for that. And realised much later after everything was done that I forgot to wear the bracelet that I carefully selected in Isetan KLCC. Ha ha ha... Imagine my frustration.

I recall my aunties and cousins coming into my room to take pictures. Everyone was praising everything. How beautiful I was. How beautiful the dress and the room. All I took with pinches of salt, because I never can accept praises; however much I want to hear good comments and feedbacks. Well, we have established long time ago that I am complicated, haven't we? :-)

I remember asking where Mak was because I want to take pictures with her. And someone managed to get hold of her and brought her up. There was a moment of sadness as she hugged me, because I suddenly realised that I could not run to her anytime I want to feel those arms comforting my thundering emotions. We were not always on the same page, we don't always agree, but she doesn't have to say anything to make me feel better. Just a kiss or a hug. It is enough. I teared, not cried, because I don't want to mess the make-up. Ha ha ha... yes, I was still logical and practical despite the emotional turbulence.

Finally the groom side arrived. I breathed easier although my heart was easily jumping out of my chest. The moment was getting closer and closer. I also somehow felt closer to the Big Guy up there as I walked down the stairs. My friends were telling me to walk carefully, someone were fussing with my veil; it's a recycled veil. I used the same one during my engagement. It was almost poetic; I wanted Nenet (my late grandma) to be with me...

When I sat down on the pillow, CapalPerak was not yet in the house. Everything was a blur of movement; people taking seats around, people passing the hantaran, people saying stuff. Everything was blurry and buzzy. Until I saw CapalPerak at the door. My eyes were glued on him. He looked so... he's going to hate me saying this; he looked so cute in his garb.

There was a little commotion happening between him, the Qadhi and Abah. Both my mother and I was taken by surprised when Abah delivered the akad. I teared again, because I secretly wished and hoped that Abah would give me away instead of wali hakeem. At that moment, I felt really blessed and everything seemed to fall into places, perfectly. When the affirmation came from the witnesses, I was officially a wife, my heart just go back to its normal beating.

I saw my husband for the first time.

Later, we exchanged our rings and took some pictures. Pictures together. Pictures with our parents. Pictures with aunties and cousins. Pictures with other family members. Pictures with friends. I especially love one of our picture together taken by Napie. The moment was captured correctly. And for the first time in my blogging years, I'm putting up my own picture. :-) Just because the picture is perfect in my eyes.

I am not a perfect person. Neither do I expect perfection. But I believe in being better than yesterday. And it is my solemn hope that every action that I do in a day, makes me a better person than the day before. Life is about learning. And there are just so much more to learn.

It has been a little more than two months. I love you, B. For better times ahead, this is us.

My first night without The Hubby saw me missing him like never before. The big room, with that empty space in the bed next to me, was something really new. It's not "actions" that some of you might be thinking that I miss, it's just the presence. And for the first time in my life, I slept with the bedside lamp switched on...

With that, berakhir lah cerita sayu saya pada hari ini.... He he he...