This Is Me

I believe one of the reasons why I am phobic to coupledom is the fact that I have to make status report every now and then. I am questionable when I didn't answer the phone when it rang. Or the fact that I have to explain myself every time. Worse, when I have to validate and revalidate my actions.

I know. I know. Those are to be expected. And above all, when you have to do all those, it means someone cares for you. A lot. Right?

The truth is that, I went through the cycle, officially, a couple of times. And they just drained me. I feel safer if I keep the people that I care about at arm's distance. I refuse to get too close. I choose not to. It's just too much, and I just don't want to gamble anymore.

But there's just no assurance, no? There will never be. We face everything that's thrown to into our path as they come. One at a time. If it doesn't work out, move on and wait for another. Or just jump to a different path where you might or might not get more options. Heh.

I am not complaining. Far from it. More like thinking out loud. And yes, I know the answers and reasons to my questions and whining. (The curse of being intelligent? haha). I am far from bitter. I'm just drained of emotions. I guess.

I care, but I know it is still far from "love". For when you lose something you love, you'll be devastated. And I just couldn't risk being in that emotional turmoil again. I am not brave enough to venture into such depth. Yet.

I know someone will be hurt when he reads this. And from the bottom of my heart, I could only apologise. I guess I need time. And we have that aplenty, do we not?

I am a free spirit. I like my own "me" time as much as "us" time. I enjoy doing this alone as much as sharing. There are times when I need another's presence to comfort me, while other times I would just like to be left alone. Sometimes I voice out my needs, others it's in my actions and expression. If that makes me complicated, so be it. I do not seem to be giving the right signals every time and that hurt people that I love, care, people that love and care for me. I am a woman. And that is not an excuse.

Dr. John Gray said in his book that men are prone to fix things and women just like to improve them. While men are like rubber-bands, women are like the ocean. And when men retire to their caves, women harshly go to their pits.

At times, the book just screams idiotic suggestions, other times some helpful tips. But bottom-line is that men and women are different. And there is a beautiful reason for it. Though both souls are whole, through their God given differences, they complement each other.

To apologise for my differences, would be appalling. I should only apologise for making mistakes or for hurting. But never because I'm different. So, if you feel you complement my differences, my bet is that we can always work things out.

For, this is me. For better or worse.