is it morning already?

it can be a reason, but it's not an excuse...

Something happened during the weekend that I came out with that phrase. A dear friend told me to look at the BIG PICTURE.

Oh, dear me... is it time for me to wake up? And face that very thing I put aside a year back?

I always do my best to be consistent with the things that I say and the stuff that I do. Sometimes it is a battle. You know what is right and good for you, but you just have to forget that bit for a while and go ahead with your instinct and wants. Sometimes, it is good for you, other times it left you... hollow.

This morning, while doing my... ermm... morning routines, a thought suddenly occured to me. I am going to be closer to that big three oh. And a realisation; maybe it's time for me to start reflecting and a muhasabah session is due. Oh, how I hate it when I'm right.

Yesterday, I watched "Under the Tuscan Sun". In a nutshell, it's a story of picking up pieces, or what's left of it, and starting anew. It was very refreshing and enlighting. And how apt it was to be aired on the weekend my conscience was knocked. Now, before you start to think "oh my.. what had this gal went through in the past.." no, I did not have a bad life, or went through a pile of dung to be who I am today. Nothing major. Just the normal disappointment and heartache (breaks?) and headache and yadda yadda

I used to think too much. On what happened. I analyse the situation. Was it my fault? Where did I go wrong? What is it about me that is not enough? How can I make things better next time? What I shouldn't have done? The list can go on and on and on...

But then, I realise, if things did not happen the way they did before, then I wouldn't be where and who I am now. If things we all jelly and strawberry last time, I might not be pushed into my artistic direction and get started on my writing again. You see, things happened for a reason. Gosh, I'm starting to sound like old record playing, again and again, sampai lebam.

Anyway, to avoid being repetitive, I shall put here some excerpts I caught in Under the Tuscan Sun last night.

Worrying is a waste of time.

Live your social life in all direction. And never lose your childhood enthusiasm.

Green light means 'GO', yellow light is for decoration, red light is just a suggestion

Bila kau pergi...

Kau berangan lagi Didie?

Huh? Apa? Oh.. Julie. Aku...

Sudahlah Didie, tak ada gunanya kau fikirkan tentang dia lagi. Barang yang lepas usah dikenang.

Tapi Julie, aku sayang padanya. Kau tak mungkin faham. Semuanya sempurna, tiba-tiba, lenyap.

Tiada yang sempurna dalam hidup ini. Kau, of all people should know that.

Alas... I'm only human. Dan hati aku juga hati wanita Julie.

Suatu masa dulu, kau pernah ingatkan aku. We belong to no one but ourselves. Tapi sekarang.. kau seperti hilang arah. Mana pergi kepastian dan kekuatan kau?

(Senyap. Sunyi. Hanya terdengar nafas turun nai dengan perlahan.)

Entahlah. Aku pun tidak tahu apa lagi yang harus kukatakan. Bukan aku yang memikul bebanmu Die. Tapi aku juga sayangkan kau. Melihat kau sebegini seperti melihat si ibu meratapi pemergian anaknya ke peperangan yang tidak pasti. Kau perlu kembali Die. Kau perlu ada di sini!

Aku masih di sini Julie. Kau tahu aku juga sayangkan kau. Aku juga tidak tahu bagaimana mesti aku tunjukkan agar kau fahami gersang hati ini. Kosong! Aku seperti hilang tiang yang selama ini mengibarkan bendera cinta agung. Mataku kini seperti buta dan tiada lagi warna yang menghiasi duniaku. I'm in black and white world! Empty.

Jangan berlama-lama begini Didie. Aku tidak mahu kau menjadi Kassim Selamat seperti dalam ceriti Si BatuApi.

Oh Julie... masih upaya kau berjenaka denganku di ketika ini. (Tersenyum)

Didie, kau akan berjumpa dengan penggantinya nanti. Percayalah!

Tidak akan sama dengan yang telah pergi. Tiada lagi mata biru yang akan merenung dalam menusuk pandanganku. Tiada lagi kemanjaan yang sering menyambut kepulanganku. Tidak sama dakapan yang hangat menemani tidurku. Aku sepi.

Sudahlah Die. Jangan terbawa-bawa dek hati yang sunyi. Temani sahaja sedihmu dengan lagu-lagu nyanyian Si Mawi.

Julie! Hentikan lawak bodohmu itu. Aku masih grieving!

Ha ha ha. Aku perlu pergi Die. Kau jaga dirimu baik-baik. Dan Si Tompok yang telah meninggalkanmu itu, mungkin dia berada di tempat yang lebih baik. Sudah aku katakan, belikan Friskies. Tapi kau degil dan masih memberinya Whiskas. Ahh.. aku dah lewat.. pergi dulu.

Hmmphh.. Pandu kereta itu elok-elok. Oh Tompok... kenapa kau tinggalkan mummy? Mummy sayang padamu, tidakkah kau rindukan mummy? Pulanglah Tompok...

Rub-bish

Why is it that acceptance by the mass is so important? At least by the people who are close to us? Why do we need this unwritten approval in our lives to enable us to take the next step and move forward? Why do we need to justify what we do or say just so that people that we care won't feel hurt? Why must there be a standard in life to gain acceptance?

Why?

Frankly, I just want to say bloody well mind your own business. But honestly, I can't. And seriously, I do not know the answer for the questions. But that does not stop myself from wondering why...

I think we walk our lives with other people's expectations weighing on our shoulders. Sit back, and think through it. We let people dictate (perhaps, indirectly) what we should be doing. And not be doing. Malays are one polite society. There is no other races in the world which can rival the Malay's hospitality, values and believes. "Biar mati anak, jangan mati adat".

But, the pattern is changing.

Today, we are so liberalised that we say what we want and tell how we feel. The power of education? Or the influence of external cultures? I do not want to dwell much in the origins for it'll take longer time to blog.. and I would need references to support this. As much as I like to, I do not have the will to do it today. So, let's just come out with what I feel about this.

My father always say, when you pick up a stick, you pick both ends up. Ergo, when you do something, you take both the good and the bad effect of it. Nothing that you do, can only leave good aftermath, regardless how noble the deed was. Heh! Am in no mood of giving examples, I'm sure you can think of one... he he he... (yes, that's how lazy I feel).

So, today we are more open than before. But how open you want yourself to be, that's the after-effect you've got to decide. These days, I do not think anything can surprise me. Not anymore. Things that unthinkable 10 years back are happening in front of my eyes. And being me, I am not going to be judgemental. We are humans. Humans make mistake. Thus, we are in no position to deliver the ultimatum. In the end its tuan punya badan who is answerable.

Silence is golden.

I do not need to go back so many years to know that I'm ever so different than I was before. I need only to go back 5 years, tops. If back then my reality of life is green and blues, sugar and honey... Now, it's chocolate. Because, life can be sweet and bitter. It's the amount of sugar or milk that you put in that'll make the difference.

Our life is so short. Pejam celik, pejam celik, I'm going to cross over another decade soon. Will I be different then from who I am now? Of course! If I don't, that would mean, I did not live my life to the fullest. That would mean, I aged before I should.

And should I ever find other's acceptance of what I'm doing or saying, it'll be from the One who's judging me and delivering the ultimatum. These days, I live day by the day, tomorrow is just another day, and yesterday will remain yesterday.