Snippets and then some

I am a little afraid of the possibility of burning out… I hope I have not bitten more than I could chew. Else, I probably would end up being Chewbucca, with its ummphs and grunts and wailing… Was that even funny? OMG.

At work, two major projects are undergoing. One short term, the other spans for three years. One software and change management project, the other a network infra project. All the awesomeness and sweetness and I am thoroughly enjoying every bit of the smile, the tears, the sweat and the blood (I cut myself handling some paper-works…) I am also supposed to improve the process for managing a certain type of project under one manager. And most recently, taken up the challenge to focus on change management projects under another manager. Yup, I’m reporting to two different managers, one lady the other; gentleman (LOL, Kak Dayang, stop laughing).

At school, I am the elected Team Leader for the current subject, and we’re supposed to come out with a group report and presentation within the next three weeks, one week has passed since our first weekend meet-up. On top of that, there’s one individual essay that each of us has to complete; apparently this essay will be the differentiator to our marks, since all group reports will mean same marks for everyone in the group. So, I need to do very much very well for the essay to ensure distinction for the first module.

At home, I spent last weekend not looking at my work email (primarily because I left my BB on my table at work) and not opening my school books or sitting down doing the assignments. Saturday was spent doing laundry in the morning, and taking the Little Princess for a little socialising with my best buds. I didn’t get to talk much with the girls though, Little Princess was demanding my attention the whole time! Note to self: Leave your kid in the capable hands of your loving husband a.k.a. the devoted father when you want to spend time with your girlfriends. Next meet-up she’ll stay at home!

Owh… God willing, insyaAllah, we’ll be seeing the inside of our humble abode very soon. Am so excited about it, I could jump up and down everyday. We have to be more frugal with money now. Since my decorative instinct is kicking in, and I’m not sure where to look for bargain location, I might end up spending more than I should! Someone please help me on this! Share where are the places to get excellent quality furniture at good price and someone who can do a 3 feet cabinet under RM1K.

As a daughter, I’m getting more and more worried about the wellness of my parents. They suddenly look so fragile. No, they are not frail or anything like that, but looking at them, and watching my daughter growing, I suddenly get the knock behind my head that I am aging too. And my parents… I just can’t imagine not having them. I have to quickly make peace to the cycle of life, or else I’ll be too devastated when the time comes. :’( My only pray is that they stay healthy and be with me for as long as possible… A pray like any other child, I supposed… I love them. And no amount of success or high degrees or famous certification could ever make me feel any better should Allah SWT decide it’s time. Allah, please make me stronger, and make it easier for me to submit to your will. Ameen.

The Week That Was…

One week ago today, I was slowly recovering from the fright.

WARNING: LENGTHY POST AHEAD…

Just a day after her 11-month birthday, my daughter was admitted to KPJ Tawakal for lung infection. Two days before that, I was at a project kick-off, where I was about to deliver the afternoon workshop, when I received a call from The Hubby, they were on their way to the ER. Little Princess was not doing well. She had  fever over the weekend, but was fine on Monday. Little that I knew, it will be the start of emotional journey for me and the rest of the family.

Upon receiving the call, I told my colleagues I have to leave, and passed the presentation to my Account Manager. While driving, my heart is beating furiously, thinking what could’ve gone wrong. She only had fever, that went up and down, yes, and a little coughing. When I arrived in the ER, the nurses were sponging my daughter, and she was crying looking frightened. It broke my heart. I immediately picked her up from the examination table and hold her tightly close, whilst the nurses kept on sponging her. I later told the nurse, I’ll do it myself while nursing her. I did not let myself cry, not yet.

We went to see her paed half an hour later. She ordered blood test and urine test. The look in my little princess eyes.. while the nurse wrapped her in the blanket to hold her still to draw blood… I couldn’t get it off my mind. She looked at me with a question, “Mami, what are they doing to me?” I had to hold my baby down while the nurse drew blood from her. I did not let myself cry, not yet. Held her close immediately after it finished. Once out from the room, I could not hold myself back any longer. While comforting my daughter, with istighfar and tasbeeh non-stop… I cried. And cried. The Hubby hugged me, but still I cried.

We were at the lab area for more than an hour, waiting for Little Princess to pee, but she didn’t. So the doctor asked us to come back to her room. While there, my baby peed, and the urine was sent to the lab. Her blood had traces of bacteria according to the doctor. So she prescribed antibiotics, and I do not want her to stay in the hospital much longer. We went back. It was Tuesday.

Wednesday, I stayed at home, looking after her. She was well. Laughing and playing. All day long. Just the two of us. It was her 11 month birthday. Then that night, she started to act differently. Her breathing was heavy, and when giving her water to drink, I felt as if the water came out through her lungs… I tried not to worry, for she slept soundly. In the morning, she seemed very quiet, not quite herself. She just wanted to sleep and lie down. Her breathing was  still heavy. I called her paed, and she advised me to bring her in.

It was Thursday. And this is where my nightmare really started…

There was no room available to admit Little Princess. I was beside myself. I couldn’t quite control my emotions. My baby was turning blue, and they would ask us to wait??!! But I know, oh I know the nurse was trying her best to get any available room. There were rooms should already been available, because the patients were discharged, but they still hadn’t check-out, taking their own sweet time to get their asses away from the hospital. Such selfishness! Such stupidity! Such heartlessness! No caring whether other people would die out of their careless actions! The paed did not even want to look at my baby, but she looked worried. She lost a patient before, maybe there were myriads of worry running through her head… We finally managed to get an adult VVIP room.

My baby was not doing well. That’s what the doctor said. Her condition had worsen. She ordered an x-ray. Again, I was with Little Princess throughout. Held her down, assuring her that everything would be fine. Reciting dua close to her little ears, while she hold on to me with her frail hands and frightened eyes. Ya Allah… only you know how I feel inside, please, please let my baby be fine… Please make her stronger… Please make her brave… I couldn’t stop pleading, and pleading… I have no power at all to make my baby better. Only He does. He can help, and He will help me!

They put her on oxygen then. She had drip in her little hand. Pumping water and antibiotics into her little body. Ya Allah… seeing this tiny little person with all the wires around her… She also had a sensor around her little toe that tracked her oxygen level and heartbeat. And my baby, she had very little energy, just lying there. I slept beside her in that big hospital bed. We had to move rooms three times before we finally had a single room to ourselves.

I kept on thinking… I just started sending her to the daycare. Only 3 days the week before. And she’s already like this? What did I do wrong? Where did I miss it? The Hubby told me not blame myself, and portioning the blame will not make our baby better. He was right of course, but what have I not done enough?

Friday, when the doctor came in the evening to check on Little Princess, she looked… relieved. The antibiotics were doing their job. But my baby still needed the oxygen tube on. Owh… I haven’t told you about the first physio session…

Friday morning, I brought her for physio session. I was prepared for the first part, but not the second, eventhough the physiotherapist walked me through it. I was not prepared for the tiny tube to be inserted into my baby’s nostrils and mouth! No! But I knew I couldn’t stop it. In fact, in one occasion, I helped to open my baby’s mouth, because she was clamping it tight. Ya Allah, make me strong! inwardly I screamed… The moment it was finished, I held her tightly, held her, and held her. They wanted to put her straight to the drip, but I said no. I wanted my baby to have what normal moment she could before she’s confined back to the bed.

You can say it’s normal for babies going to the daycare to have infection or to be admitted. But I still say NO. It’s not normal for these little people to be confined to hospital beds with tubes around them. NO! NO! NO! A thousand times NO! They should be healthy. Happy little people, running around enjoying their lives! You may say it’s normal for your baby, if you want to. But not for me. Never for me.

Little Princess had three more physio sessions before she was discharged on Sunday afternoon. Yes, she was discharged on Sunday. But it was an emotionally harrowing four days of my life. The hospital walls closing in every single day, I though I would go crazy. Ya Allah, please, I don’t ever want to go through this experience again. Ever.

On Saturday, I was supposed to go to the induction session for my MBA course, but I didn’t go. I thought that would be my escape for a little while from the hospital. But owh… the words a loved one could say to make you feel really bad about yourself. I felt awful, I was the worst mother in the world for wanting to be away from my baby, just a little while. Ya Allah, forgive me. Hana, forgive your Mami for being so weak. I am so sorry for even thinking that I’d the rights to escape. Everyone else came and went back. Even The Hubby could leave the hospital to get a change of clothes, etc. But no, not the Mami. Mami had to stay.

My Little Princess is recovering well. She’s almost 100% back to herself. No more coughing since yesterday, Alhamdulillah. She had to continue a course of antibiotics, and finished up the antibiotics that was prescribed to her in the hospital the past week. She’s filling up back the fats that she lost in that week that she was unwell. Every time I saw her ribs and legs and hands these past two weeks, I couldn’t help but cry. She’s not a plump baby, thus she looked really frail without the fats on her body.

Needless to say, no one would be able to understand what I felt, except for a mother, except for a woman. For we have this tiny part of us that Allah SWT has given to us and only us. And this feeling that you feel, once you’ve seen your child in that way, it will never go away.

O Allah, thank you for making my daughter better. Thank you for listening to my prayers. You only test me with tests that You know I could go through and not more than that.

7th day of Syawal

I am falling into a routine. Go to work, come back and attend to The Baby. Sleep, night feeds, sleep, wake up, go to work.

I hate routine.

So many things on my mind, so many things I am planning. Can’t stop processing.

Work has been good so far. Group mates asked for my blog address. Here’s hoping that they will read with open mind and should I write anything about office, they’ll take it with pinch of salt. Like I said, read at your own perils. LOL.

I need a change. I am due for hair trimming. Need to find a new stylist, since my old one is in the old office building. And I am getting emotional with the way my hair is behaving. Times like this, wearing tudung is so much easier. And a very wrong reason to wear it too! The Hubby is on leave for the next two weeks. Lucky him! But, he deserves it, after those early mornings, long days and late nights for the past month. I am glad that we’re back to being a unit.

Syawal has been a little blah for me. Such experience, having to prepare The Baby before preparing myself! That is the fun part. I have also come to a conclusion that the ones that matter most are my own family. The rest of the world, they can bungee jump for all I care. My priorities now are my own family; The Hubby and The Baby, my own family and The Hubby’s. The extended family… is just that, extended. Still love them, but no longer sits at first 15 seats. And I am done pleading so that I can join the fun. I have redefined my version of fun. That is with my own family members.

At work, I have been asked by The Director and The Manager to come out with process improvements for the current project. This project has been around for so long that the project managers are more like coordinators than project managers. I don’t claim to know everything that I will be able to turn the table around within months to make things better, but I will do my best to ensure it happens! I am faced with some adversity, but I am prepared to the challenges, insyaAllah. It might not be in the other people’s performance review, but it is in mine! So, by hook or by crook, I will get the things done!

It has been a month. Time flies. I feel pressed to make an impact. I am starting my day with positive vibes. Even when I hear or see unpleasant things, I do my best to control the state I am in, and shift the energy to better ones as much as I can. I do not come from zero, and without knowledge. There is a reason why I am here, and why I am being charged to do what I do. So I am going to do it. After all, work is work, and that’s the purpose I am here. It is not a matter of life and death. I vow never to make work a reason to alter my composure for the worse. I must always remember that when people are being defensive, it is because they feel weak or they fear the unknown. I on the other hand, should not play the same game.

I know now, that I must strategise. I dare to be different, therefore I am. So, bring it on!

I am blessed again…

I secretly feel that things are shaping up nicely, insyaAllah.

Several great things are happening, one by one, albeit slow and steady. But I am not complaining, as they say, slow and steady wins the race. I still believe in that. But if you can be quick and steady, it is even better. :-)

In late June my request to blog with the PMI blog team was accepted. And earlier this week, my first post was published. You can read it here: Grooming the Apprentice Project Manager. You’re most welcome to share your thoughts on the topic. And maybe add in your own tips and techniques in coaching your team members on management skills.

After I was accredited as a PMP, I started a small blog: Looneypuff’s Project Management Blog. My main objectives was to share my study notes and ideas on PMBOK Guide 4th Edition especially for PMP aspirants. Besides that, I also want to share my own insights on project management,team management, coaching, etc. A couple of months back, I was contacted by one of the familiar faces in PMP training, Cornelius Fichtner, to re-publish his articles in my blog. I hope the blog will be useful not only to PMP aspirants but by other people as well. Who knows, one day I’ll come up with a book! Ameen!

In late May I received a new job offer. I did not jump to accept it right away because although it looked promising, I did a double take. I was hoping that other options would come up. But none did, so after discussing with The Hubby, I accepted the offer. My main concern is to start building a real portfolio that can be useful in the future.

Two weeks ago, I was contacted by a manger from one of the companies that I went for interview during my confinement period (LOL). Apparently the director would like to meet up with me and last week I went for the second interview. By the end of the session I can sense he already made his decision whether to hire me or not; I just wasn’t sure which one. His poker face is awesome; got to learn that. I received the call next day telling me I got the job and that “the director is keen” for me to join the team. The offer is not as good as the first one I received, but I accepted it immediately. Hah! I’m cheap!

Upon receiving the letter of offer, I contacted the first company to tell them I am unable to join them next month. To my surprise, the HR manager that I met whom I collected my offer letter from has resigned; and she was only 8 months in the company! Does not sound very promising, eh? After a brief discussion with the HR executive, I sent an email to them through the headhunter that matched me with the company. And this headhunter is another story. I told her that my reasons of retracting my acceptance of the offer is personal, she got agitated and hang up the phone! My experience with her had not been a good one since beginning, so I wrote her a very nice email. Really, it was a nice email, not even one angry word.

I have also began a cute little thing with my good friend Mel: Cool Tots. Do drop by and check out the things that we have to offer. We are new, but we plan to stay for a long, long time. We are not only selling cool things online, but we are also sharing tips and ideas on many, many things. Some of which are being contributed by other parents worldwide. So, check us out at Cool Tots today!

So, in short, I am hoping all these new ventures will be good for the family and I. We are building our nest, and I hope to fill it not only with worldly goods but spiritual values as well, insyaAllah.

My response to OWC

When I first read about Obedient Wives Club (Kelab Isteri-isteri Taat) on my Twitter timeline, I thought it was… interesting. Lots of rage and sarcastic comments made me curious to know what was it all about.

Upon reading the news update, I was emotional. While people keep on hyping about how the club promotes wives’ sexual prowess to ensure husbands’ fidelity, I was outraged to read the founder’s statement; “abused wives deserve it because they did not make their husbands happy”. How can a woman said that to another woman? It was as if she was under some kind of brain washing sedative that made her incoherent.

After my rage subsided, I decided that there could be a mistake. Maybe either of these two things (or both) happened:

1. The founder did not prepare a proper press statement and she got a little too excited to promote her cause
2. The founder’s statement was taken out of proportion by the press

Now, I do not know which happened, but until to date, there is no official press conference called by the club to clarify the matter. What I have read in the news so far, it seems like the club members agree with the following:

1. A woman deserve the abuse she receives because she does not know how to make her husband happy
2. A woman needs to be better than a first class prostitute to entertain her husband in the sack
3. A woman is responsible for her husband’s fidelity/infidelity

While I agree that sexual relationship between husband and wife is important, it is not the center of a relationship. It is what spice the relationship. And a relationship needs more than sex to flourish and be strong. What’s more, both the husband and wife are responsible in the relationship, they both are accountable for their actions. A great bedroom activity does not guarantee a loyal husband; or a loyal wife for that matter. All male friends that shared their views on this topic agree that sexual relationship is not the only thing that keep the relationship intact.

It is a good idea to promote healthy relationship between husbands and wives. It is great that they realise sex plays an important role. But it is absurd to be comparing a wife to that of a prostitute. It is degrading.

It is also good to encourage wives to obey their husbands; we know some wives are stubborn, we admit that. Allah SWT said we should obey so long as it is not against Islam. And Islam promotes love and dignity, as such would you obey if your husband asks you to act like a prostitute, even if it’s only for him?

Bottom line, relationship takes two to make it work. I hope the founder or representative from the club will quickly make an official statement to really share clear direction and objective of the club. Here’s to hoping there was a miscommunication somewhere that resulted this issue exploding.

Well, what say you?

Ps: the club is opening a branch in Singapore. http://news.asiaone.com/News/AsiaOne%2BNews/Malaysia/Story/A1Story20110613-283736.html

And It Begins…

Ever since I started to be active on Twitter, I get to read a lot of quotes, sayings and opinions. Some are good, some – not so good. Some wisdom, some trolls. It’s really about filtering what you’re reading.

There is one celebrity that I am following. Her musings are worth to be read. While I agree on her idea of children upbringing, not many of us are lucky enough to have enough means as she does. I might be assuming a lot, but as I see it, she has the freedom to choose when she wants to take an assignment and when she wants to be home with her children. Lucky her. She must have several silent incomes under her belt.

It is true when people say that a woman, once she becomes a mother, her thoughts are mostly for her child and how best she can be a great mother to her child. If she is a working woman, the thought of leaving the job crosses the mind often. Of course, if one breadwinner is sufficient, it can happen in an instant. But for someone like me, it is not as easy. In fact, we are thinking how to get more without sacrificing the time with the child.

I miss my daughter when I’m at work. But since I started working after my confinement period, never once I call home to check with Mak or Abah on how Baby Hana is doing. I know if I do that, I will start making it a habit. And I am confident that under the care of my parents, my baby will be fine, insyaAllah.

In the morning, if I do not have pressing matters in the office, I will bathe Baby Hana, feed her and put her to bed for her morning nap. These days, since she can sleep on her own, after the morning ritual of bathing and playing and feeding, I will just put her on the bed, and go get ready for work. Baby Hana will be sleeping by the time I’m ready for work. Give her a kiss and whisper sweet things and leave for work. Once at work, I put Baby Hana at the back of my mind and concentrate on work. Finish with work, I will go straight home as soon as I am able. And after putting the EBM in the fridge, I will go and get my daughter immediately. I know she misses me too because she will hold on to me tightly.

Babies are geniuses. Don’t think they don’t understand or they don’t know anything. They use their brains more than adults use theirs. When a baby babbles, I truly belief that she is communicating in her own words. But the meaning is still the same. You ask the baby how was her day, and she will respond. Sometimes she continues babbling even when you want to ask a different question. Try listening to the tone and watch the facial expression. There is hurt there and sometimes frustration. But babies are very forgiving. Give them kisses and hugs, tell them that you love them, a big smile will quickly replace the frown.

Convince them you want to be with them as much as they want you around all the time. Just give whatever time you have for your kids and always be available for them. I might not be able to be around as much as I like to, but I am sure my daughter understands. I pray one fine day I will have as much freedom as the celebrity, and I can be with my daughter whenever I want to.

ps: I wonder why is it on Wednesdays that I have lots to say… hahaha…

My Girlfriends…

Dudes you should stay away from:

1. Dude who wears Hawaiian shirt, with tight jeans and pointed shoes.
2. Dude in numero uno who walks pass you and say, “You’re looking lucky lady!”
3. Dude driving a 5-series, with one hand on the steering wheel, stopping at the traffic light waiting for you to cross even though the light is green for him, raising his eyebrows with sheepish smile. NOTE: He might just be the driver, picking up his boss at the next corner.
4. Dude with white pair of shoes, more so if they are pointed ones – I just distrust people with white shoes… they look like Casanovas. So, people say don’t judge the book by its cover, but first impression matters!
5. Dude who looks as if he didn’t take his morning shower – I personally like a man with a sense of style, looks polished, don’t you think so?
6. Dude who is smelly – hygiene is important y’all!
7. Dude who flashes his wealth; i.e. iPad2, Blackberry Torch, iPhone4, OMEGA wristwatch, etc., those might be the only things he has!
8. Dude who pays your first dinner with credit card.
9. Dude who is generous with praises. (Au contraire, a husband must be generous with praises for his wife… haha)
10. Dude who says, “thats mean”, and proceed to speak with an accent, especially when he was born outside of down under, the Queen’s land, and away from the cowboys. Yes I’m a bit snob about this.

The list could be longer, but these are the things that came to my mind for now. Just beware of superficial dudes. They might not be who they seem to be. Besides, we’re empowered women, we don’t need our men to furnish our lifestyles. Kan?

Why We Nag

There are a lot of marriage jokes out there. The ones which make fun of the husbands, wives and in laws; especially in laws on the wife’s side. Sad, but true.

Yes, they are funny. Yes, they are entertaining. And when someone says it’s demeaning, another person will quickly respond with, “Come one… lighten up, it’s just a joke..” and snickers.

But, because of these “just jokes”, little by little, people lose respect towards each other. Relationship goes sour because one person in the partnership suddenly thinks that the joke is somewhat true. Yeah, maybe I’m being a little of a sour puss here, but hey, this is what I think.

There are reasons why a wife nags. There are so many jokes out there about nagging wives, but let me tell you, nagging comes with the territory. It’s the level of nagging that differs from one woman to another. So, if you see your best friend’s wife seems like a good sport, letting the husband do "”almost” everything he likes, take it with a pinch of salt. It does not mean the wife does not nag. Ehem.

Let me give you one good reason why a wife nags. Clutter and cleanliness. Well, two reasons.  Let’s face it, when you’re a working woman, weekend is the time to rest AND the time for spring cleaning.

A wife will nag when she has spent hours cleaning, only to have the place torn apart again just the next day. And especially when it seems like she’s the only person who cares to keep the house clean and homely.

A wife will nag, when a simple task such as taking out the garbage has to be reminded, instead of being done automatically once the bin is almost full.

A wife will also nag, when there’s a leaky pipe in the house that needs fixing or a blown bulb that needs replacing; but seem to go un-noticed by the rest of the household. When there are things which do not belong in say, the living room, but they just seem to be lying around everywhere.

Someone told me before that it’s a little easier to clean the house when the husband is not around, because it’s better for the husband not to know how much work needs to be done. So, most housewives have this luxury of making their houses to homely homes just because they have time in their hands. And there are no interruption from the other half.

Admit it, as much as you want your other half to give a helping hand with the works around the abode, you would rather do everything on your own, just the way you like it. *Wink*.

The Hubby is worried that I get too tired or sick doing the work around the house. But, truthfully, if I don’t do it, it feels as if I’m living in someone else’s house. Yes, it’s tiring, and yes, I pull muscle at times, but through all the grumbles, it’s just more worth it. And just because I’m pregnant, it does not mean the work has to stop. Since I’ve been away from gym for 7 months now, housework is my exercise. And it does keep me in shape, keep my weight in check.  And honesty, I cut back a lot on the housework. And that is why now I have ants and cockroaches. Haish! It makes me crazy.

Maybe I should call the cleaner next week. Yeah. maybe I should do just that.

In Deep Thought

I never get the things that I want when I want them. I wished to be married at the age of 27, but I only do it at 31. I wanted to have a man by my side who understands me and accepts me for who I am when I was in a terrible relationship at 24, but only found him five years later (eventually marrying him!). I have been looking for a mentor for my professional growth the past 8 years of working (out of 10), still have not found the person. I have switched jobs six times in ten years, and yet to settle comfortably in one that feeds my intellectual and professional needs.

So, it's suffice to say, I don't get things easily.

My parents, although they love me, they never really understand why am I so different from them. Why I have this passionate needs and one track mind when it comes to living my life the way I wanted. I believe that I truly make them happy whenever I got good results in school and when I finally gotten engaged AND married. And most recently, when I have a bun in the oven. They never really understand their daughter but few years back, they have, I believe, finally accepted that I'm different.

I value my independence. I value my thoughts. The only time I let myself be cuckolded and oppressed was about ten years ago in that terrible relationship. After that, I honestly stop taking crap from people, be it from personal life or professional life. And maybe because of that, I never really get close to people as I did before. Learnt my lesson, and all I wanted to do was to take care of myself.

Having said that, I was and still am fortunate to meet pure souls in the form of friends. And these people I intend to keep close. Taking craps from them once in a while, is acceptable to me, for I'm sure I do the same to them now and then. But because these are, we are, truly friends, we correct each other, we support each other no matter what. It's like being siblings.

Funny thing about true friends, even if we're out of contact for some time, just because present life gets the most of us, we continue to pick up things from where we left of easily. I have three good friends, that have been with me since we were thirteen years old. That's almost twenty years of friendship. Each of us have our own lives and other circle of friends that we keep, but when we get back together, it's just like old times.

As we grow up, grew apart, grow back closer, we meet new people some of which become our close friends in a different circle. Because once you're growing up apart from each other, you start new interest and you become different. But you retain some resemblance in ways that no one else can explain because that's the way it is. Because deep down, we're still sisters.

New close friends become support beams around the base that you already have. I don't know if you're lucky enough to have circles of beams that keep on growing, and supporting. But interestingly enough what some close friends lacking, others will fill it. So, essentially there are no empty spaces. And that is the miracle of having friends. The magic of friendship.

No, I may not get the things that I want the way I want them, when I want them. But God has given me, and continue giving me these support beams that make me who I am today. I also belief I am a support beam to lots of friends out there, in different forms, different circles. Because life, as much as you want to live it your own way, is symbiotic.

When I see all my friends in one place together, I can smile from my heart. Because I can tell myself, if not the world, these are my beams. And somehow, I feel complete. 

When I Sincerely Get It…

I remember those days when I was still dateless, boyfriendless, partnerless. When I was on my own. And my friends, most of them were married, some with two and a half kids.

I remember, those days, though my family members were not hounding me about getting married anymore but was secretly wondering and hoping, as well as soundlessly indirectly hounding me about getting married. When not so close friends, or just found long lost friends still asking why I was still single; do I hate men, do I swear off marriage, or just secretly wondering whether I was well... not straight.

I remember amidst all that feeling left out, wondering why the coupledom train did not stop at my station. I recall doubting my self worth and principle. Whether I should just settle to get things over and done with. I remember feeling envious of my engaged or married or just dating friends. Although I was happy for them, I felt jealous that I don't have that significant other to share my day with.

So, I ranted about men in general, as much as I knew personally, directly or indirectly, through own experiences and observation. I talked about relationship as I see it, why they work and why they might just be a disaster. I wrote about how women should take control and be strong to speak up to make the relationship work for them too, so that they can be contented and happy too. I blogged about love and my idea of unconditional love and true love.

You must wonder where I am going with this lengthy prologue. Well it goes back at the door of my current life.

I have shared with some close friends about the recent changes that are happening in my life and even blogged about it. I tell the world about the happiness and the magical point at this stage of my life. And I knew as I was telling it, that people perception and acceptance will differ; whether they are my family members, close friends or strangers.

I knew that people will be happy for us, but depending on where they are in their lives there will be some mixed feelings. So, how could I begrudged them when I felt the same way in some what similar situation at a different stage of my life?

I just hope that as go through my life and moving on to mid-life (oh my God!) I will still have all the friends that I have now, single (if there still is!), married just-the-two-of-us or married with brood and bunches. I sincerely hope so.

Bottom line, I get it. I understand. So, anytime peeps, if you need to get away from me, just to recollect yourselves, anytime. I understand. And I still love you. Hey, I’m an aquarian after all. ;-)

A New Beginning

My blog is going to get more and more domesticated. No more repressed feelings. No more bitter remembrances. Reason?

I’m looking to the future now. And nothing is going to stop me from doing just that.

See the new ticker above? Well, that’s what’s new in my life. In OUR lives. We are anxious and excited at the same time. I guess that is normal. The journey, albeit only 10 weeks, had been a slight roller coaster ride.

When we first found out, it was through the home test. Well, I was late, and I felt fat. And because I’m such an intelligent person (cheewaaahhh!) I sorta suspected it. Momster forced me to do the test while I was trying to be in limbo for a longer time. :-p

The Hubby was waiting anxiously for me to open the pregnancy test box. I didn’t know why it was so difficult to open it. He could not bear the suspense any longer and took the box away from me and ripped it open! Ha ha ha… Okay, “ripping it” is a bit to melodramatic because the box is still intact until today. But that’s just me describing the situation that night. It was before we went out to watch a movie. Hmmm… maybe he was afraid that we would be late for the movie! :-p

It was a plus sign. And we went to see the doctor near our house the next day. The doctor just took the pregnancy test from the night before as true and congratulate us. She asked us to come back in two weeks to do the first scan. I started on the folic acid. Later only that I knew, folic acid is supposed to be taken even before you get pregnant.

Few days later, I started to buy books. Ha ha ha… as below:

The last one is for The Hubby, of course! He he he… and let me tell you, I belief it has good impact on him. :-)

So, two weeks later we went to the same clinic for the follow up check-up. Owh… this is a dedicated maternity clinic and equipped with delivery room and maternity ward. Not that I had the chance to see around though. So, both of us are excited for the first scan. Just the other day The Hubby told me that I was glowing. He had such surprise in his face and I was reluctant not to believe him, because all I see in the mirror is my puffy face in the morning. Sigh.

The doctor ( a different lady doctor this time) asked the same questions while looking at my record from the previous visit. And she ushered me to the examining bed for the scan. After giving me a couple of minutes to get comfortable, she started to put the cool jelly on my slightly bloated tummy. It was a bit unpleasant actually, because of the pressure that she put. We saw the sac and The Hubby and I automatically linked our hands a while. And then, the bomb came. “Tak dapat cari heartbeat lah…” said the doctor (I cannot find the heartbeat).

I was speechless and immediately run through my head the things I did, the food I ate for the past weeks. I was kicked out from the gym by Mr Trainer, although I have not started working out yet. Just walked in and talking to him (with my gym bag on my shoulder of course). I was careful not to overdid the housework. I turned my head to look at The Hubby and my eyes started to teary… And the doctor suggested we scanned from below. I did not comprehend.

Until she started to change the scanner head and inserted it into a condom. Yikes! I was screaming in my head. It was VERY uncomfortable. And she still could not detect the heartbeat. Later her words to us; “Nak cuci sekejap jer, nak mengandung susah, so datang balik in two weeks lah yer?” (To clean it is fast, but to get pregnant is not easy, so come back in two weeks). I just nodded my head for whatever exchanged between The Hubby and the doctor was just a buzz to me.

The Hubby started to notice the change in me the moment we walked out from the room. I was very quiet. I was just feeling down. Later I shared the news with Momster and she told me to get second opinion. And since she had experience on miscarriage before she was being logical all the time. I tried to stay positive all week, but it was hard. And I could not bear it. So, I made an appointment to see another doctor, this time in Tawakal Hospital. It took place just a week after the sad visit.

Most of the operation in Tawakal Hospital just started at the new building that week. So, when we registered to see the doctor, we even get a goodie bag! We were the first couple to arrive, but had to wait a little while because they had problems with the network. I explained to the doctor about the situation and she quickly ushered me to the examining bed after checking my blood pressure.

The doctor explained that their scanner is 4D and I could see how big the difference is with the simple scanner in the maternity clinic. Not that I’m impressed by the look and size, because I was just dying to know whether I’m really carrying or if it’s a missed pregnancy. Less than a minute later the visual came up and I could clearly see the frantic movement in the sac. And the doctor said, “Tu, ada heartbeat.” (There’s the heartbeat). She switched on the audio and at that moment it’s the sweetest sound on earth, I swear. I didn’t realise that The Hubby and I were already holding hands. My eyes got teary and this time out of happiness. The doctor told me not to be worried. I think The Hubby was very relieved because he started to tell the doctor how I keep on worrying and feeling sad. So, I had a small lecture from the doctor because of that. And all I wanted to do was hug the doctor. But we just met, so I’ll save it for later I guess.

My next appointment was set a month from that date, which is end of this month, where I will complete my first trimester, InsyaAllah. Alhamdulillah. I’m happy with this new gift from The Almighty. And I pray all the good things for myself, The Hubby and our future child.

When I first knew I was pregnant, Momster was already a month or so ahead of me. It created such a bonding. And then I came to know her sister-in-law, who was my ex-colleague, Memey, was also pregnant, a week later than me. But as we rejoiced and get ready, many tests were put forward, like my case, and most recently, Memey lost hers. But I’m positive, and Momster concurred, that Memey will get re-pregnant very soon. Yes, I just invented a word I believe.

All in all, this tells us that we could only plan. And He is the one to decide for it to be or not to be. The Hubby and I did not plan to have kids so early, but we are being given the amanah to carry this miracle. So we accept wholeheartedly. I believe that everything will fall into place nicely because He will test us with tests that we could handle. If we were not sure about having a baby before, the scare we had confirmed that we actually want it. There you go. He knows what’s best for us and what we need. And who are we to question that, right?

So, here begins a new chapter in the Memoir of Looneypuff. It started out with me being all looney and girl power fighting machine. Well, I’m still all those, just not too intense like before. I was a sad person before. Always lamenting, always complaining, always feeling bereft and left out. But was always enjoying life to its fullest albeit the emptiness. I am now more grounded, I believe, and fulfilled. Alhamdulillah. And still enjoying life to the fullest!

Mid Week Story

Except for toiletries and war paint items, my bag is packed for the weekend! Yes people, I'm spending the weekend with Mr. Hubby! Yeay! This is by far the longest that we have been apart since almost four years ago.

He he he... well.

Circumstances happened that allow us to have the house all to ourselves for the weekend. WAIT. Don't be over-excited. Mother nature decides to intervene and my "sister" is visiting. And she's mocking me by playing hard-to-flow.

Sharky suggested Coke, but I don't feel right to force nature. Although I did worked out as hard as I could in the gym just now, but still, my "sister" is being naughty. But I am sure she'll be flowing happily tomorrow.

Should I be talking about this anyway? Hmmm... What I really wanted to blog about was PMS. Because lately, it's been hitting me quite bad. Not only the occasional discomfort but the emotional limbo. PMS is considered a medical disease because a lot of women are either treated medically or psychologically or both! Some cases are so severe that it affects the lives of these women. Do you know that PMS hits two weeks before the cycle starts? That means, half of the month a woman is in a state of emotional limbo.

So, men, be kind to your spouses. Half of the time they did not mean to annoy you purposely. And the other half, you might want to reflect and think what have you done wrong. PMSing women are almost similar to pregnant women I suppose. Just be there for us, stop trying to understand why we act the way we do.

I know it seems easy to blame it on two weeks of PMS. But trust me when I say that a normally balanced woman, would have tried everything she could to adjust and recalibrate her state before she accepts defeat to emotional outburst. Every woman in a relationship does it. Whether it is with her husband, friends, kids, co-workers, bosses. She would have summoned every ounce of will before she succumbs to the power of feel.

And when that happens, you just need to be patient because she will calm down and crawl back into your arms. Well... at least, I do that. Ha ha ha... Crawl, that is.

The Project is Finally Started!

I am feeling a little better today. I did not receive any suggestion that could be put to use or things that I have not done before. BUT I did something yesterday that put a smile on my face. Before I explained what I did, let me just reiterate the events that trailed towards the activity.

I left the office earlier than usual because I needed to make payment to AmIslamic Bank. Funny enough, we could not still deposit money to AmIslamic Bank accounts using the cash deposit machine. Relatively, if you cannot use the machine to bank-in the money, you could not use fund transfer option via internet banking to do the same. This is all the computer stuff behind it where the mapping is not there yet. As such, I needed to go to the counter to perform the transaction.

When I reached the branch office, I was told that the system was down and they do not know yet when it will be up again. But the officer at the counter was helpful where she suggested to do a manual deposit and she will key it in the system when it comes back up. I agreed and not ten seconds later was told that the system is back up! Wonderful.

Why do I insist on telling this piece of event? I used to be AmBank employer until eight years ago. :-) And I was there when the whole merging thing was done. I remembered how it affected my paycheck and bonus. Ha ha ha... That's another story, for another day. I just hope they get to mapping the AmIslamic account soon for the transfer. I mean, once you're able to the transaction at the counter, it should just be the next logical step to bring it to the deposit machine AND internet banking, right?

So, after that, I just headed straight to Giant and bought some baking items! Yes people, I finally get to use my breadmaker!! I posted a blog post not "too" long ago about it. And yesterday, I made bread! Well, I threw all the ingredients in and the machine did the rest. after about 3 hours (which was filled up with Melinda and Jim) the bread was ready. For starters, I used the Basic Bread Program 1. Very easy; just dump in the items one by one as it's listed in the recipe book, choose the size and crust, press "Start" and let the machine do its thing.

In the process

The end product!

The Kenwood BM450 has a delay timer. Which means, the next time I can set it up at midnight, and wake up in the morning with freshly baked bread! Isn't that just wonderful? Having hot bread as if you were in the hotel! He he he... very, very interesting. I just hope that I will continue making use of the machine! Don't want it to be a white elephant. He he he...

The machine can also make dough; for pizza and pastries, as well as cooking jam! It's like a whole bakery in one machine! Now, if I could just get the contractor to fix the power socket at the wet kitchen, I will be a happily-domesticated-homely-corporate-climber. How's that sound?

In the box, the breadmaker comes with its own measuring tumbler and measuring spoon. So, you don't have to go and buy those items separately. All-in-one, remember? The touch buttons are so intuitive, you don't have to put pressure on it at all. Just touch your finger on it as if applying your eye cream. Seriously, I kid you not. Another thing I love most about this machine is its slick design. It looks so modern and simple and elegant. The platinum colour goes well with any type of kitchen even the most traditional one!

So, my next project? I think I'll try to make the ginger bread or maybe banana bread-cake. And maybe a jar of jam? Who knows? Anything is possible!

In My Blah Mood

When Mak went to Mecca for her pilgrimage, Abah stayed behind because of his health. That was the longest separation the two had to went through, as far as I remember.

It was not an unpleasant period; just different. Abah was short tempered and moody almost all the time. He seemed a bit lost. The day Mak was to arrive back in KL, he wanted to be at the airport as early as possible. In fact, he left the house earlier than everyone else, one of my brothers accompanied him.

I could not understand at that time why he was behaving the way he did. But I do now. I found myself to submit to the conclusion that I AM my father's daughter after all. I am behaving the way he did. Almost exactly. There's a saying that goes something like this: "like losing a limb". It's a state where a person is not behaving like him/herself because part of him/her is missing.

Last weekend, I had a bowl of ice-cream; four scoops with whipped cream, chocolate sauce and sprinkle. I thought that it will increase my low endorphine state. I was wrong. It did not. Watching back-to-back-to-back-to-back episodes of Ghost Whisperer did nothing. Normally looking at the relationship of Melinda and Jim just make my heart warm and blossom in the most strange delightful way. It just made me feel worse because I miss my "Jim" a whole lot more!

A little chat with Momster revealed that she feels exactly the same when her hubby is not around. Although she has her gorgeous son to fill up the emptiness.

I need suggestion people! I need constructive opinion on how to get out of this rut! Because at this moment, I just want to stay at home and be anti-social.

No Definitive Title

Counting the days that he is away is not fun. Counting the days that he is coming back is no funner. Seriously.

I accidentally read my blog post sometime in 2005. It was before I met CapalPerak. Things were pretty dark back then. I was, as CapalPerak put it, "bitter and emo" in almost all my blog posts. But one thing for sure, my writings were more entertaining. They were written straight from the heart and definitely without censure. Har har har...

This evening, there will be a movie night in Alliance Francais. Although I have accepted the invitation, I do not know yet whether I'm going. Reason being, I feel un-fun. These days I prefer to be at home, curled in front of the idiot box watching movies or my favourite series, or just lying in bed; reading.

My last gym session was on Tuesday after two, maybe three weeks of absence. My work is taking me nowhere except to Putrajaya; let me tell you being in a freezing server room for 8 hours is a definite mis-fun activity.

I know I should stop lamenting and start doing something about this. But I feel a certain responsibility cloth around my shoulder that I do not have the heart to leave now. Maybe that's the reason why there are no news from certain sources.

Hmmm... Truly I believe that I have a charmed life. It's just not the time yet. And like finding my soulmate, getting my soulwork will definitely come at the right time.

I believe and I am grateful!

By the way, I am still emo. A Happy Emo. :-p

Let's Cling!

Maybe women ARE supposed to whine. Maybe we’re just built that way. We are also built to cling and be dependant on our spouses. Now, don’t get your neck strain and your blood boiling, I’m just saying that these are the womanly antics that maybe created to complement those testosterone characteristics.

We know that men and women are not build the same. We know we are different in so many ways. That is why books like Mars and Venus genres are selling like hot cakes! That is why we read articles to help we understand our partners. Therefore it just follows the logics that we are built in certain ways to complement the other gender.

However independent and resourceful a woman is, she always have the small voice telling her she’s missing something. I can testify this myself. I was on my own for quite some time. And yes, I can get myself things and go anywhere, but I always longed for someone to share the things and places with.

I was happy on my own, minding myself. But I did wonder how it would feel to have someone next to me and be happy together. I believe some of my friends would be woman enough to admit the same thing.

Men, they don’t see relationships the way women do. It is very straight to the point for them. That is why, when women long for special moments to be shared together, men have difficulty to understand the importance. Saying “I miss you” once in one phone call thousand miles away is enough to them. But for women, repetition makes it more meaningful. I think I repeat it 10 times in the space of five minutes. That’s twice a minute! And wayyyyyyy too much for a man to handle. I definitely sounded clingy. But since I’m already the lawful wedded wife, The Hubby just chuckled and gave the obligatory reply; “Miss you too”.

And truth be told, when I woke up one morning, found an SMS from him that said; “I miss my wife”, it made my day so much better. Not because I felt happy he missed me, just that, I was happy he missed me. Didn’t get that? Well, it was not because he’s miserable that I am happy, it’s just because when he said it, I truly believe that he missed me. It made my heart skipped a bit, my breath a little faster. In a good way. There was a warm glow spreading inside of me.

We, the modern women, we do our best to “behave” as expected by the modern society. Not clingy, being independent, speaking all our thoughts out loud, etc. And mostly because some men think that clingy women are not sexy. Tell me then, why do 50-year-old men are dating 20-year-olds? It’s because these young blood are clingy and dependant on them. They make the older men feel more manly and powerful. But when their 50-year-old wives do the same, those poor ladies become the reason they stray.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, those characteristics that we try to curb are the very essence that make us women. Obviously, used excessively, they become thorns on the backside, so utilise sparingly. In fact, we should not be embarrassed about being “womanly”. After all, in the old days where relationships were as strong as the China Wall, the dependencies were expected.

Just because we are our own women, that does not mean we have to be manly. And maybe in this day and age, women needs to be a little more clingy so real men can materialise once more.

What Is My Calling?

Everyone has their purpose in life. Each one of us has a calling. Be it a housewife or househusband, a corporate ladder climber, a humanitarian, a volunteer, an IT specialist, an entertainer; and the list goes on.

I have been asking this question to myself for the past years, but yet to give an answer. Maybe because I ask it once, but never really ponder on it, really take time to be true to it. And maybe because of that I have not the answer yet.

I truly believe that whatever the answer to this question, it should make the one asking, truly blissfully happy. And the moment the path is known, this person is contented. And nothing else in this world will alter that.

I keep on envisioning myself in that corner office with awesome view. Very old-school of me. However, I also envision myself being able to follow my other half wherever his job or his calling is taking him. I see myself being mobile and able to work from any corner of God's world. I don't see myself being tied down to one area and my life restricted by blocks.

I may have to go back as far as twenty to twenty-five years to have the answer. And if I really, really want to be true to myself; that's what I have to do.

Well, we shall see. But I certainly see myself with MiniPerper* everywhere I go. So, maybe, that IS a sign.

*MiniPerper is Inspiron Mini 1012 that I got myself last weekend.

My Reading List

Lately I find myself buying books, and piling them up, searching for time to finish them. It's sad, and I vow to always have time for my readings. At this moment, these are supposed to be my January/February reads. That means they should have been completed, yesterday.

1. The Secret by Rhonda Byrne
2. Talk to the Snail - 10 Commandments to Understanding the French by Stephen Clarke
3. Women, Work and the Art of Savoir Faire by Mireille Guiliano
4. Let Us Be Muslims by Sayyid Abul Ala Mawdudi

So, as you can see, I have work cut out for me. It's not fair why I cannot finish a book in a month, when I used to be able to do it within a couple of days. I shall not blame it on the change of status because that is not a reason. I should make time to read.

First Night Without Him

My first night without The Hubby saw me reminiscing the night before the akad; and our solemnisation day. :-) Cheesy, I know.

As much as I wanted to sleep early that night, it was just not possible. I am sure it is the same for any bride-to-be. I typed a blog post just before the florist arrived with my wedding bouquet. My clothes were hanged behind the door, frozen in time, ready to be worn.

My heart, it just could not be still. One would think that at this age, there are no more goose bumps or butterflies in the stomach. One would be certainly wrong. I felt those things; images of life before and life in future keep appearing one after another. There was dread, happiness, sadness and gladness. I was a myriad of feelings.

My matron-of-honor was already in la-la land after a tiring session of helping creating the bridal abode. I had the image in my mind of how my room should look like, and I managed to make it happen. Some would say it's too ordinary for a bridal room, but I was not shooting for neither extravagant nor luxurious. Just elegance, inviting with dashes of romance. I believe I achieved it. I was satisfied. Somehow I managed to close my eyes and went to sleep.

And, I woke up earlier than everyone else; with the exception of Mak. I guess, any mother-of-the-bride would also be anxious and restless. Months of preparation only for that one single day. The house was quiet and there was a spiritual moment for me where a voice seemed to be saying; "You are a wife now". A happy tear actually came, and in that magical moment I was enveloped in a sense of security, blessedness and happiness.

I had an early breakfast probably before 7 am. By that time, all my family members are up and about. Making last minute to-dos.

Soon, Zai came to start the "briding" process. Ha ha ha... I love her work. Understated with elegance. Like my other preparation, the nikah and reception dresses were also with simple elegance in mind. They are exactly like the designs that I made; and more.

I remember the fast beating of my heart when I was told that the groom's entourage will be late. I remember feeling annoyed. I remember his voice getting annoyed when he heard my annoyed response. Ha ha ha... I remember too, I forgot a piece of accessory for the dress; a brooch, but was reminded by Sharky, my matron-of-honour. Thank God for that. And realised much later after everything was done that I forgot to wear the bracelet that I carefully selected in Isetan KLCC. Ha ha ha... Imagine my frustration.

I recall my aunties and cousins coming into my room to take pictures. Everyone was praising everything. How beautiful I was. How beautiful the dress and the room. All I took with pinches of salt, because I never can accept praises; however much I want to hear good comments and feedbacks. Well, we have established long time ago that I am complicated, haven't we? :-)

I remember asking where Mak was because I want to take pictures with her. And someone managed to get hold of her and brought her up. There was a moment of sadness as she hugged me, because I suddenly realised that I could not run to her anytime I want to feel those arms comforting my thundering emotions. We were not always on the same page, we don't always agree, but she doesn't have to say anything to make me feel better. Just a kiss or a hug. It is enough. I teared, not cried, because I don't want to mess the make-up. Ha ha ha... yes, I was still logical and practical despite the emotional turbulence.

Finally the groom side arrived. I breathed easier although my heart was easily jumping out of my chest. The moment was getting closer and closer. I also somehow felt closer to the Big Guy up there as I walked down the stairs. My friends were telling me to walk carefully, someone were fussing with my veil; it's a recycled veil. I used the same one during my engagement. It was almost poetic; I wanted Nenet (my late grandma) to be with me...

When I sat down on the pillow, CapalPerak was not yet in the house. Everything was a blur of movement; people taking seats around, people passing the hantaran, people saying stuff. Everything was blurry and buzzy. Until I saw CapalPerak at the door. My eyes were glued on him. He looked so... he's going to hate me saying this; he looked so cute in his garb.

There was a little commotion happening between him, the Qadhi and Abah. Both my mother and I was taken by surprised when Abah delivered the akad. I teared again, because I secretly wished and hoped that Abah would give me away instead of wali hakeem. At that moment, I felt really blessed and everything seemed to fall into places, perfectly. When the affirmation came from the witnesses, I was officially a wife, my heart just go back to its normal beating.

I saw my husband for the first time.

Later, we exchanged our rings and took some pictures. Pictures together. Pictures with our parents. Pictures with aunties and cousins. Pictures with other family members. Pictures with friends. I especially love one of our picture together taken by Napie. The moment was captured correctly. And for the first time in my blogging years, I'm putting up my own picture. :-) Just because the picture is perfect in my eyes.

I am not a perfect person. Neither do I expect perfection. But I believe in being better than yesterday. And it is my solemn hope that every action that I do in a day, makes me a better person than the day before. Life is about learning. And there are just so much more to learn.

It has been a little more than two months. I love you, B. For better times ahead, this is us.

My first night without The Hubby saw me missing him like never before. The big room, with that empty space in the bed next to me, was something really new. It's not "actions" that some of you might be thinking that I miss, it's just the presence. And for the first time in my life, I slept with the bedside lamp switched on...

With that, berakhir lah cerita sayu saya pada hari ini.... He he he...

Our Wedding Song

This song was played as we walked into the hall...





The Last Time (I Fall In Love)
Eric Benet

The first time I fell in love was long ago
I didn't know how to give my love at all
The next time I settled for what felt so close
But without romance, you're never gonna fall
After everything I've learned;
Now it's finally my turn
This is the last time I'll fall... in love

The first time we walked under that starry sky,
there was a moment when everything was clear
I didn't need to ask or even wonder why,
because each question is answered when your near
and I'm wise enough to know when a miracle unfolds,
this is the last time I'll fall in love

Now don't hold back, just let me know
Could i be moving much too fast or way too slow
'Cause all of my life, I've waited for this day
To find that once in a lifetime, this is it, I'll never be the same

You'll never know what it's taken me to say these words
And now that I've said them, they could never be enough
As far as I can see, there's only you and only me

This is the last time I'll fall in love
Last time I'll fall in love
The last time I'll fall... in love